Our Girls

Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

my birdie :)

I saw my doctor yesterday, my beloved Dr. C. He said he has a good feeling about this too, and that he thought I looked wonderful :) Dr. F said so to. My blood pressure was perfectly low, and I felt so calm and cool. He said my uterus has already grown. How he can tell that just by palpating, I have no clue, but I'll take it! I'm having HCG (beta) drawn again on Friday, as well as progesterone.

I felt great this morning, but when I had more spotting this afternoon, welcome freak out number one of probably 30 million in the next 30 weeks. C didnt even flinch when I mentioned the spotting yesterday, so he didnt care much today either. Just rest and call back if it's heavier.

I cant believe this is the THIRD time... I've now been pregnant more or as many times as most people I know, including my mom and all SILs. How can I possibly be pregnant for a third time and not have my babies here.

Missing my little cherry verses Kathlyn has become more frequent. Ive said before, I can tell when I'm grieving which one, they are so distinct. By 2 weeks from now, I'll know my little bird more than my little cherry. My body will know him better than her. I am so sad for what might have been. I would be more than half way to meeting her, and now instead I'm starting from the very beginning again.

Wow.. what a wave that just came over me... I love all three of them. I want my babies.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

a little birdie

The other day, I had only 1 pink line. I was disappointed, but hung on to hope that I was testing too early.

Today, I noticed some spotting. Crap, my stupid unwanted period.

But, I took a pregnancy test, because I had implantation bleeding with Kathlyn. 2 pink lines.

Yep :)

It was 2:30 AM. I called and woke my mom (1:30 for her). I called and woke a friend who told me to call her ANYYYYYYYYY time, because I knew she'd want to know. She is 38 weeks and was getting up to pee anyway.

It's going to work this time. I'm claiming a few things. I didn't have implantation bleeding with the cherry babe. Maybe she didn't have a good "catch". My poor, poor cherry. Mommy is so sorry she didnt get to know you. Love you forever. You are SO loved and recognized by SO many people when they see cherries.

But I'm claiming this one. It's going to work. Implantation bleeding like with Kathlyn, who had a healthy pregnancy until the end. We wont go that far this time. 37 weeks tops. It's going to work this time. First instinct, it's a boy.

I want to tell the world! I find no use in 'waiting' to tell. I need the prayers. And if the worst happens AGAIN, I'll need the support, big time. I wouldnt be able to hide it. I'm not mentioning it on facebook though until a few people know. I think only BLMs check this blog anyway. SO shhhhh for now :)

I bought a new (used) car today. A beautiful robin's-egg-blue Dodge Journey. It's SO pretty, a family car. The day i found out I was pregnant with cherry, i was vomiting from a virus. today, a new car.

so this baby is my little birdie. my little blue robin's egg. and wow, birdie stuff is VERY popular right now.. i'll have no problem finding birdie stuff!

in the name of hope... my third pregnancy.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

raw truth.

about now, i should be announcing the gender of my new hope. not debating whether it's too early to take a pregnancy test instead of losing my crap over the fact that it was negative.

sometimes i miss my little cherry outside of missing katie. and i can always tell the difference.

My Cherry Baby,
Mommy loves you! You are still my baby, and I miss you so much. Give Sissy a kiss for me, and tell her I miss her too.
Love you forever,
Mommy

Sunday, June 13, 2010

raw truth

this month, it's been 10 months since I lost Kathlyn and 2 months since I lost my 2nd little cherry on top... in the same month, I reach the point where I've been without both my babies longer than I had them.

still waiting for joy.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

rarely so sleepless

the past two nights, I slept 14 and then 12 hours. Now, it's after 8am Sunday morning, and I havent slept yet. I want to go to church at 11. But maybe I should just stay awake and go at 9:30. then waste the rest of the afternoon and evening asleep. oh wait, i forgot, i dont care. every day is a waste without kathlyn, awake or asleep.

i claim that i "never have trouble sleeping" so i'm very unnerved right now. normally, i can sleep in noisy broad daylight no matter how long i've already been asleep or how long i've been awake. so i figured maybe writing will be enough of a release to make me tired.

once again, there has been a large space since my last note. i dont really have anything new to say anymore. i want my babies. im afraid john is going to die. i hate the universe. the CD is on repeat.

i also had a disappointing occurance at work which caused a massive facebook friend purge. im not getting into details because this isnt high school, but basically it was time for the professional and personal line to be cut. i share my deepest and darkest here, which is something i've become fabulous at hiding in front of my patients and families at work. it became apparent that i needed to be better at hiding it from the co-workers, as it was making some of them uncomfortable. poor souls! kathlyn's death was really hard on them! that's too bad they were uncomfortable with my sad affect at work. it's been really hard for me too. i hope it's all better now.

except it's hard for me *everywhere*. they are uncomfortable at work, then get to go be comfortable in their perfect lives at home and i get to struggle with sleeping too much or not at all.

sarcasm is the 8th stage of grief. actually, it's a subset of anger.

i've typed that before. CD still on repeat.

i dont know what else to say. i still live with my raw truth daily, fighting demons hourly. and now that it's becoming time to start trying again, the stress level is rising even more. john and i were doing our grocery shopping (on a saturday night, how boring are we) and as we were loading the car, suddenly i became royal and snapped at him for no reason. i apologized later in the car, saying that i want to start trying again but im so afraid the baby will die. im terribly conflicted. this is more than a control issue. more than a faith issue. more than a desire. more than grief. more than heartbreak.

i dont know *what* it is.

oh, and when i want your opinion, on whether i should start trying again now or wait, i'll give it to you.

sincerely,
sleepless in stage 8