Our Girls

Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
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Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saturday, November 20, 2010

sweet cherries

Cherry Baby's due date today :,( love you forever babygirl.. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.. Big sissy will take care of you until I get there.. be sweet to each other.. You're still mine.


I've been having a lot of dizziness and palpitations lately.. I had a scary one at work.. I was just walking and I coughed and I started to go black :/ I guess the cough was a vagal response... and it's all probably because I need to drink more water all the time, and eat more at work... but work is so busy, I barely have time to sit down, eat, even go to the bathroom. would have been nice if I had a chance in 13 horus to even take my own blood pressure.. I kinda see 8hour shifts in my future... so anyway.. I barged straight into my OB after work that day without an appointment.. haha... BP was ok.. higher than usual for me but within normal limits. and my hemoglobin was ok too.. but since I have the palpitations almost every day, they asked me to see a cardiologist. so I did that yesterday.. and he said everything sounds fine.. but i'm wearing a 24 hour event monitor right now to see if there are any problems during an actual event... so, fingers crossed it's nothing... and DRINK MORE WATER!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

ruined.

i wish my life wasn't ruined. point blank. i wish my life wasn't ruined.



don't take this to mean i dont recognize my blessings, because i do. i have one of the most wonderful husbands a woman could ask for. my mother is one of my best friends and always has been... we've never had "rough patches" or anything, and i'm also very close to my brothers and we were all the center of my dad's world before he died. i had basically a picture perfect childhood. i even feel very close to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins even though some of them i saw less than once a year. they're all just a group of very compassionate, loving, and fun people to be around.



but in 2009, my life was ruined. with all those other close relationships, all i ever wanted was a daughter. (and what depresses me on top of that, was that my mom had the picture perfect life and young motherhood, only for the 2nd half of her life... her retirement with her wonderful husband and grandchildren... also to be ruined when my father died.)



i am so in love with my new baby. i dreamed last night that i thought she was dead, and i was screaming and screaming.. i just screamed for days and no one could handle it.. people were abandoning me because i was beyond help... and then someone brought me an ultrasound machine and there she was... alive and moving, and she looked just like my baby pictures. such a relief. i live that every day... screaming inside at the thought of losing her... and then sweet relief with a swift kick or the doppler.



but it's still ruined. losing a firstborn just ruins everything. i never got that feeling where i can have a picture of myself and my husband and all my kids and just look at the picture and say "i'm so blessed!" i can still feel blessed, and i do... i feel blessed just *knowing God* .. but it will always be that picture "i'm so blessed.. BUT..." But Kathlyn isnt here. how can it ever be ok without her?! i wanted "I'm so blessed" period, point blank. no buts. it's ruined now. ruined until my life is over and i'm in heaven.. then it will be "ok." basically then i feel like my life is already over, because it can never be ok here. i sitll have a lot more i wanna do before i die... well no, not a lot more actually. i just want to raise a child. there's nothing more i want. i've done everything else. i have a husband, job, and family that i love and get a lot out of. the cherries on top are my children.



i know so many of you who have lost your firstborns. i'm not saying it's less dificult if you lost a child somewhere else along the sibling line, and i'll probably get slammed for this, but at least you had a time in motherhood where you had all your children with you and it wasnt ruined and you werent a jaded mother at the time like i'm going to be. i feel sorry for Little G and i've had a ton of people... new friends, old friends, family, coworkers, and my therapist, to name a few... worried that my love for kathlyn will make her feel overshadowed and less loved and less worthy. my next children will think they can never live up to kathlyn, who was simply perfect and pure. it's such a fine line... i love and want all my children all the same... how do i express it so they dont get hurt? and so that i dont get hurt feelng like i've denied my katie-cat her proper place in the family? it's sibling rivalry at a whole other sickening level.



for those who have lost a newborn.. or any child really.. have you ever come to a point where you feel like your life isnt ruined? does it ever feel ok? can you feel blessed without the "buts" ?



sometimes i still can't believe this happened to me. i have lost a child, before i even knew what it was like to have one.

Monday, November 8, 2010

appointment updates

i had an appointmet on Nov 2 and there was nothing to report. which is good news :) my main concern was that im not feeling the baby kick very often yet. ive been feeling flutters since maybe 17 weeks... and at the appointment, i was 22, and hoping they would be consistent. i never felt flutters with kathlyn until 22 weeks... so it was at least sooner than that. but she was never very active and i think this baby wont be either. or maybe im just unlucky with my larger frame, i just cant feel kicks as much as a thinner person.

ive been buying WAYY too many clothes... i really didnt need anything at all. i had it all for kathlyn. but just a few things to make up for seasonal differences.. a february baby instead of a july baby.. but it goes beyond that. i have NO will power... i shouldnt be allowed to go into a mall for any reason!!

whenver i see a pregnant person buying things... or even my own friends having their showers... i think to myself, that's cute, but you know your baby could still die... dont assume. and now here i am.. buying things for my new baby when there's no guarantee. i'm so jaded. but i still wanted the new baby to have some of her own things too. she deserves it.

and i love her so much <3

next appointment with ultrasound/growth scan... Nov 30!! then two weeks after that, my glucose test.. then 2 weeks after that, i'll start weekly NSTs... getting closer!!! :)