When I was in my deepest grief, I would write all the time. Sometimes I would spend hours writing long entries, pouring out my broken heart, and sometimes I would just write one-liners which I called "raw truths." Some of the really heartbreakingly memorable ones still haunt me, such as "there's a memory box in our bassinet" and "why the f**k are we planning a funeral?" At the time I didn't block out the swear words: they were my raw, true feelings and I needed to get them out (although it was John who said that particular one).
I still have that deep grief, but it is so much more easily processed and healed by my many blessings in life, namely my two living children. That by no means indicates that these children have replaced her; they just reminded me that there can still be joy in life amidst such a devastating loss.
I was already an anxious person before Kathlyn died. I am a worrier by nature. I think I was destined to worry endlessly about my children, as everyone does. But some of my worries were going to be completely unfounded and difficult for the people around me to reassure me about them. I believe it was already going to be this way.... and then my child died. My first child, my healthy child, before I even got the chance to be a doting and worrying mother, I had to bear the burden of being a grieving one. I never had a fighting chance to be a normal, easy-going kind of worrier about my children! I know many of my worries are extreme and ridiculous... but MY CHILD DIED. I don't really feel the need to apologize anymore. I am going to worry. And I've earned it.
Alex has been having a hard time sleeping lately. He resists his naps, he resists his crib, and he's such a light sleeper. If he falls asleep in the car, he wakes up if someone talks too loud. (Four year old sister next to him = quintessential loud person.) He wakes if the radio turns off, if the car stops, if the car gives that annoying ding ding ding if the headlights are on or if my keys are in the ignition and the door opens. He wakes up if the garage door opens or closes. Transferring to or from crib/carseat/lap/absolutely anywhere --- very unlikely to go smoothly! If he's asleep in my bed with me, if I adjust my position or heaven forbid, get up to go to the bathroom.. he wakes. All these frustrating things about parenthood I am so thankful to have the luxury of suffering. I wanted this, I waited for this, and I welcome this. I would much rather have this terribly light sleeper than to not have him at all. He has earned the names "grumpy pants", "Mr. No Nap" and many others.
Last evening, after having no nap (shocking!), he fell asleep early (for him) on my lap on the couch. I spent some time just sitting with him and letting him sleep because #1, he's my baby and I love to snuggle him :) And #2, because I was afraid if I put him in his crib, he would simply just wake up again and I'd have to start over with the bedtime process. Mommy wants to rest too! As John was getting off the couch to go to bed, I asked him to move Alex to his crib, as he usually has more success with the transfer than I do. It worked! He was so tired, he went straight into the crib with no fuss. When I went to bed, I didn't even check on either of my children! Glory had gotten up once already to use the bathroom, and sometimes simply just hearing me tiptoe on the creaky floor towards his room will cause Alex to wake. I assumed John had turned Alex's monitor on: it measures movement (including breathing) and alarms if 15 seconds passes with no movement. Which by the way, was a safety feature, a crutch, a reassuring piece of baby equipment I purchased when I was pregnant with Kathlyn BEFORE I had even lost a child. Worriers love reassurance. Certainly it's not fool-proof, it's not even reccommended by the AAP to prevent SIDS, but it always helped me sleep easier knowing that I would be alerted if my baby stopped moving.
Every morning between 5 and 9, Glory comes to our bed and sleeps with us for the rest of the morning. This has always been how it is for her: I used to come home from work and bring her to my bed to nurse her so I could sleep for a few hours after being up all night. Usually Alex wakes up at some point during that time as well. Usually when I've worked, he hears me come home and cries to get up. If I'm not working, I usually hear him stir once in the night earlier than that, and usually I ignore it and he will settle back down. Last night, he never stirred. He never cried or made any noise. He was so tired! When John left to go work at the church this morning, he didn't wake then either. It had been 9 hours straight at that point. Great! He's finally getting some solid sleep that he so desperately needs. I went back to sleep in my bed and as always, Glory was next to me. Another hour passed. I woke up thinking, is he ok in there? I went back to sleep, another hour passed. 11 hours... this is SO unusual, and only getting more and more unsettling for me. At 11 and a half hours straight with absolutely no noise from my son, there was really only one answer: he must be dead.
I was avoiding getting up to check on him because I really did not want this news. I did not want to have to grieve like that again. I did not want to have to call my husband AGAIN to tell him our child has died. Yes, it's true. It's the raw truth: this is where the brain of a chronic lifetime worrier who has already lost a child goes: they must be dead. It happens when someone we love goes any length of time not answering their phone or is later arriving home than usual. And I'm not even going to scratch the surface to what it's like being married to a police officer on top of all this.
I got out of bed (the whole two feet of the king sized bed left for me after my daughter has snuggled in "the middle" next to me). I walked halfway down our long hall, and it creaked. Back to regular form, Alex heard this very low decibel of noise. He popped immediately up in his crib and as I rounded the corner into his doorway, he reached up high and said "Mama!" What music to my ears, what a sight for sore eyes. I wonder how much longer he would have slept if he had a different, non-worrying mother or didn't have a dead older sibling. I would like to believe that he wouldn't trade me, HIS MAMA, for the world. Or for another hour of sleep.
So it all turned out ok. He wasn't dead. My heart can relax for the moment, but I will continue to worry. I have read too many blogs detailing the first part of this story: the normal daily process for someone's children, how their day was going business as usual but that one day, something is slightly amiss, and it turns out, the child was found dead under a pillow, or tangled in the bumpers of their crib, hanging in the window blinds, or face down in a puddle in the backyard. These worst nightmares are reality for some parents.
I do my best not to live life just assuming all these worse-case scenarios are happening right under my feet. They certainly do happen, perhaps more often than people even want to imagine, and with just one-too-many unexpected losses, I can't seem to help myself. I know the best solution is just to lay my burden down in prayer, and to find comfort in other places like writing it out and with the support of family and friends.
Thank you for reading.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Sunday, September 13, 2015
County Fair
The kids had an absolute blast today at the fair and so did I! The weather was perfect. The clouds kept some of the bigger crowds away it seems. We rode lots of rides, ate delicious chicken and potatoes, refilled our fresh lemonade as much as we wanted, had flavored ice cream, watched the dog and horse shows twice each, and walked until we couldn't anymore! Can't wait to do it again in a few weeks at Denver Days!
Family days like this are my favorite.... but they are always laced with the sadness of who is missing... Glory pretty much isn't afraid of anything... she will ride every ride and even asks to ride the really high and fast ones meant for older kids... There are some of the kiddie rides that Alex can't ride yet... I would let him if I could, but legally he is too short, even if he's strapped in next to Glory...so she has to ride many of these rides alone. As we are smiling and waving at our brave girl riding all by herself and enjoying it none the less, our hearts break a little sharper as the sister pairs pass us in the cars all around her.
It's just the hand we have been dealt. We walk around looking like the perfect family of 4 and are expected to just feel blessed with what we have.. and we do. Next year Alex will be big enough and they can ride together on all on the rides. And we will laugh and smile and wave at them happily like we always do.. then late at night, when everyone is asleep but me, I will write about the open space, the empty swing, the one less person in line, the unbuckled, unused seatbelt, and the person who I know was meant to fill it, but never got the chance.
riding the ferris wheel as a family
sweet girl still all smiles even riding alone, I can't help but see the seat next to her and feel sad.
Alex is allowed to ride the rides that an adult can go on, too!
We rode this mini ferris wheel together, just Mommy and Daughter. I still see the empty seatbelts and imagine what should have been...
Sunday, August 16, 2015
greetings
Sometimes we get little unexpected greetings from our baby girl... the other day randomly in our travels we passed Hartsell Funeral Home in Midland... the place where our baby was cremated. By that point in 2009 we were in such a daze, I can't even remember if it was Sunday August 9, Monday August 10, or Tuesday August 11. Our pastor drove us there. So we really paid no attention to where it was on the way there or the way back. But somehow we found ourselves there again, almost 6 years to the day. Later that very same day (this year), we passed Hartsell Funeral Home in Concord too... where her services were held. Neither of these routes were planned at all that day, they were just happenstance. Sometimes coincidences are nice even though they are associated with such painful memories. I wish I had held my baby at that funeral home. And I wish I had peeked at her beautiful face one last time at the crematorium. Missing her always... thanks for the little "Hello" sweet baby girl... we love you. Sleep tight and wait for us. You are still ours..
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Sisters
Earlier tonight someone asked me how Glory was understanding about her sister. I know she understands to a point but not completely. For years I have talked about "Kathlyn in Heaven" and I think all this time she thinks I have been saying "Kathlyn and Heaven" so she thinks Heaven is a person too. She talks about sending balloons up to Heaven, as if "Heaven" is another name for her sister, rather than a place. I've also asked her before who her best friend is and she sometimes says Heaven. Recently, I referred to Kathlyn as an angel and she said "but Kathlyn is a baby." So she definitely hears what I'm saying but there has never seemed to be a deep understanding of it or any sadness about it, other than me saying how much I miss her.
So tonight we got back out the book Someone Came Before You. It's actually been awhile since I read it to her. More often this past year it's been books about the big sister/little brother coming after her. So this book is about how there are two parents who love each other very much, and they decide to have a baby, and they are very happy, but then the baby dies, and they are very sad, until they have another baby: that's you!!
I was choking up as I was reading the page about how the baby dies. Glory could tell. She was holding her favorite stuffed puppy, and she started saying that his tail was ripping. She started to cry and wouldn't stop talking about this tail. I have never seen such a defense mechanism in such a young child. I finally just said "Glory it's ok, his tail is fine, but is the book making you sad?" And she said yes and started to cry more. The picture of the Mommy and the Daddy hugging and crying made her very sad. I told her it was ok to be sad, that Mommy and Daddy were very sad too, but to let me finish the book. It shows how the Mommy and Daddy are still sad, and they have tears, but their hearts grow and they have another baby. It shows the Mommy with the baby in her belly again and there is an angel baby on her shoulder. I showed her how the Mommy had a picture of the baby on the table, just like we have a picture of Kathlyn on the wall. I pointed to the angel in the book and I said "who's that?" and she said with a smile "Kathlyn!" And as the Mommy and Daddy have their new baby, she understands that that was her! And we said how we needed to draw a new baby Alex into the book too! It was such a sweet family moment as we all read the book together cuddled in each other's arms in our bed.
So tonight we got back out the book Someone Came Before You. It's actually been awhile since I read it to her. More often this past year it's been books about the big sister/little brother coming after her. So this book is about how there are two parents who love each other very much, and they decide to have a baby, and they are very happy, but then the baby dies, and they are very sad, until they have another baby: that's you!!
I was choking up as I was reading the page about how the baby dies. Glory could tell. She was holding her favorite stuffed puppy, and she started saying that his tail was ripping. She started to cry and wouldn't stop talking about this tail. I have never seen such a defense mechanism in such a young child. I finally just said "Glory it's ok, his tail is fine, but is the book making you sad?" And she said yes and started to cry more. The picture of the Mommy and the Daddy hugging and crying made her very sad. I told her it was ok to be sad, that Mommy and Daddy were very sad too, but to let me finish the book. It shows how the Mommy and Daddy are still sad, and they have tears, but their hearts grow and they have another baby. It shows the Mommy with the baby in her belly again and there is an angel baby on her shoulder. I showed her how the Mommy had a picture of the baby on the table, just like we have a picture of Kathlyn on the wall. I pointed to the angel in the book and I said "who's that?" and she said with a smile "Kathlyn!" And as the Mommy and Daddy have their new baby, she understands that that was her! And we said how we needed to draw a new baby Alex into the book too! It was such a sweet family moment as we all read the book together cuddled in each other's arms in our bed.
Also in the book they talk about how there's a special box that has memories about the baby. I told Glory that we have a box like this and so of course she wanted to see it. This was also very sweet. She wanted to see the dress, the blankets, the little heart pillow, some cards, and this little heart stone that the hospital chaplain gave me and I held it in my hands for almost the entire rest of my hospital stay. She loved that little stone and she said she wanted to hold it for a long time too. She wanted to "make Kathlyn's bed"... she put the blankets out all neatly and put the pillow on top. She put the hats together and stacked up the cards. It was so sweet. This is the first time I've showed her this box and I know now she's gonna wanna get it out and look at all of Kathlyn's things. I really think after tonight, she understands a lot more about who her sister is. And that it's sad but we can still celebrate her.
My heart is just bursting.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
6 years ago
6 years ago today, July 28, 2009, was also a Tuesday. I had a normal NST that day. That means that Kathlyn was monitored for approximately 30 minutes with a strap across my belly that measures her heart rate and if there were any contractions (which there were not). Her heart rate was having normal ups and downs for a baby at her gestation. Every time I felt her move, I would push a little button. Whenever a baby moves, his or her heart rate should go up, and hers did. The doctor can see when I pushed the button and that her heart properly responded by beating faster with her movements and then going back down. She was not in distress. Even though she was about to die.
So no one knows why that happened less than 48 hours later. I had NSTs like that every week for the previous 8 weeks and they were all normal. No one saw this coming. None of the doctors could have predicted this. No one knows why I don't have a little rising 1st grader in my house right now. I don't really care that God knew and knows why. I need her here. I'm never gonna be ok with her not being here.
Mommy misses you, baby girl. I am so sorry. I didn't know. I would have done anything to change what happened to you. I wish your heart rate had dropped right there that afternoon 6 years ago right now. Maybe we could have saved you. Maybe you'd be here now, begging me for your birthday presents just a little bit early. Or maybe if your heart rate had dropped that day, then today would be your birthday instead of Friday when the c-section was supposed to be. Today would be the day we say "oh thank GOD we were at the doctor's office right then and I was rushed to the OR and we saved her!" Maybe we'd have a big pool party planned for Saturday.
But no. Thursday is your birthday: the day you died. The day you died, without my knowledge or permission. The day we became parents without a baby. The day my world shifted off its axis into an alternate universe where babies die for absolutely no reason. And it has never shifted back.
I love you, Katie Kat. Sleep tight and wait for me: you are still mine.
So no one knows why that happened less than 48 hours later. I had NSTs like that every week for the previous 8 weeks and they were all normal. No one saw this coming. None of the doctors could have predicted this. No one knows why I don't have a little rising 1st grader in my house right now. I don't really care that God knew and knows why. I need her here. I'm never gonna be ok with her not being here.
Mommy misses you, baby girl. I am so sorry. I didn't know. I would have done anything to change what happened to you. I wish your heart rate had dropped right there that afternoon 6 years ago right now. Maybe we could have saved you. Maybe you'd be here now, begging me for your birthday presents just a little bit early. Or maybe if your heart rate had dropped that day, then today would be your birthday instead of Friday when the c-section was supposed to be. Today would be the day we say "oh thank GOD we were at the doctor's office right then and I was rushed to the OR and we saved her!" Maybe we'd have a big pool party planned for Saturday.
But no. Thursday is your birthday: the day you died. The day you died, without my knowledge or permission. The day we became parents without a baby. The day my world shifted off its axis into an alternate universe where babies die for absolutely no reason. And it has never shifted back.
I love you, Katie Kat. Sleep tight and wait for me: you are still mine.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
this week, 6 years ago
Posted this photo at 0025 (12:25am) on July 30, 2009.
The actual photo was taken on Friday, July 24, 2009, right before I left for my last shift at work.
I just worked last night too, Friday, July 24, 2015.
She was alive and kicking when I posted it. I remember feeling her as I sat at my computer desk at home. She was a typically quiet baby. I was reassured every time she moved.
I went to bed shortly after posting it. I had an appointment for a blood draw and paper work at 10 in the morning. She gave me a big kick when I got in bed. So big that I thought she was trying to turn over from her breech position.
I slept straight through to my alarm for the appointment. Strange, I thought, that I didn't wake at all to pee. I was 38 weeks and 6 days.
You know the rest.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
significance
I also wanted to add something else about today, the date I am writing these blogs, although in the other entry, when I said "today" it was referring to the other little girl's birthday which is June 27.
June 28 or 6/28 is very significant to me. Kathlyn was born at 6:28 and I see that number almost every day of my life whether it's on the clock (either morning or evening, sometimes I catch both in the same day!) I see it on signs, addresses, everywhere.
I got my current car on 6/28/10, the same day I found out I was pregnant with Glory. I wanted to be pregant again before the 1 year mark, and I made it. And she is Glorious.
So today, as I make an effort to pick writing back up, it's 6/28. All day.
June 28 or 6/28 is very significant to me. Kathlyn was born at 6:28 and I see that number almost every day of my life whether it's on the clock (either morning or evening, sometimes I catch both in the same day!) I see it on signs, addresses, everywhere.
I got my current car on 6/28/10, the same day I found out I was pregnant with Glory. I wanted to be pregant again before the 1 year mark, and I made it. And she is Glorious.
So today, as I make an effort to pick writing back up, it's 6/28. All day.
Writing helps heal
Somehow I went the entire year of 2014 without making a post. It was a very busy year for me; I was learning how to juggle raising two children. And I still am! They are the biggest blessings I could have ever asked for: a boy and a girl, my little salt and pepper shaker set. They take absolutely every ounce of my energy, and as much as I want to write, as much as it helps me heal, most of the time once I have a second to sit down, I just fall asleep.
Kathlyn is still in the very forefront of my mind most of the day. I think of her and miss her every time our family is together, wishing it was completely full. When I was younger, I suppose I thought the "perfect family" would have been 2 boys and 2 girls. But now that I have it, and don't have it at the same time, 2 girls and a boy would really have been what was perfect for me. I just always dreamed of having a daughter, a little princess to dress up and play with and laugh with. I wanted a boy too because it would seem the manly husband I wanted, would want a boy too. 2 girls, sisters, like I never had, and a boy for the dad. Perfection.
I suppose it was too good to be true. Maybe someday I'll have another girl... that sister I wish Glory had, and could grow up with instead of be cheated out of. But I was told by my high risk doctor not to have any more children. My regular doctor seems to think it would be ok. We're still deciding. I would rather make the decision on my own that I'm done having children, with my heart and my mind, rather than my stupid apparently doesn't always work reproductive system. Thanks a lot. Thanks for housing my first two yet not allowing them to make it out alive to this side. And thanks for the "no more for you!" It's just infuriating.
And then on the other side, what a sacred space it was, for giving me the most perfect girl and the most perfect boy.
These constant up and down emotions I have, they are exhausting.
Tonight we had a good family night. We went to a movie, came home and got everybody settled in bed. I signed onto facebook while nursing Alex like I usually do, and something popped up that made me so sad. I am not typing this out to upset that person's family or to begrudge them in any way, because that's not what this is about. I would not trade this family's friendship or the support they have given us the past 6 years. But it was a picture of a little girl who turned 6 today (although it was really yesterday by date, because it's past midnight now). I knew it was today; I had already thought about it. I already bought her a gift for the party that's next week. I know July is coming, Kathlyn's month. I still cry for her all the time, but not every day. It's usually in my quiet moments alone, in bed, looking at her picture or praying about her. But there she was, the other little girl, with a sweet post from her mom about the wonderful girl that she is, with her beautiful smile and beautiful curly hair. I remember the day they brought her home and stopped by our bible study group to say hello. She was strapped in her carseat and I was largely pregnant. I cried that night, gave them a hug and said I was so happy for them and that "I'm next!!!" And a month and 3 days later, I was certainly next. They were born in the same room at the same hospital, into the same doctor's hands, at the same height and same weight. This little girl is my true shadow baby and I have honestly and wholeheartedly enjoyed watching her grow up, although there were many, many more tears of sorrow during and after seeing her for the first few years and especially first few months.
Kathlyn, I am so, so sorry. I want to sit you at the table with a pretty bow in your hair and take your 6th birthday picture. I bet we would have trouble deciding which party theme to have... because I bet we've already used Ponies, Frozen, Minnie, Hello Kitty, and all the popular ones. I wish I knew which one you'd pick. I wish I knew if you'd want a nail polish party or American Girl, rollerskating or swimming, horses or puppies. I miss you with all my heart, sweet girl. I long for the relationship you'd have with your sister and brother. I wanted to watch YOU grow, not just those other amazing two, and not just all your little friends around you who get 6 candles and a kindergarten graduation this year. I am surrounded by blessings, Kathlyn, but tonight, I cry for you, for what might have been. You are still my baby. Sleep tight and wait for Mommy.
Thank you for reading.
Kathlyn is still in the very forefront of my mind most of the day. I think of her and miss her every time our family is together, wishing it was completely full. When I was younger, I suppose I thought the "perfect family" would have been 2 boys and 2 girls. But now that I have it, and don't have it at the same time, 2 girls and a boy would really have been what was perfect for me. I just always dreamed of having a daughter, a little princess to dress up and play with and laugh with. I wanted a boy too because it would seem the manly husband I wanted, would want a boy too. 2 girls, sisters, like I never had, and a boy for the dad. Perfection.
I suppose it was too good to be true. Maybe someday I'll have another girl... that sister I wish Glory had, and could grow up with instead of be cheated out of. But I was told by my high risk doctor not to have any more children. My regular doctor seems to think it would be ok. We're still deciding. I would rather make the decision on my own that I'm done having children, with my heart and my mind, rather than my stupid apparently doesn't always work reproductive system. Thanks a lot. Thanks for housing my first two yet not allowing them to make it out alive to this side. And thanks for the "no more for you!" It's just infuriating.
And then on the other side, what a sacred space it was, for giving me the most perfect girl and the most perfect boy.
These constant up and down emotions I have, they are exhausting.
Tonight we had a good family night. We went to a movie, came home and got everybody settled in bed. I signed onto facebook while nursing Alex like I usually do, and something popped up that made me so sad. I am not typing this out to upset that person's family or to begrudge them in any way, because that's not what this is about. I would not trade this family's friendship or the support they have given us the past 6 years. But it was a picture of a little girl who turned 6 today (although it was really yesterday by date, because it's past midnight now). I knew it was today; I had already thought about it. I already bought her a gift for the party that's next week. I know July is coming, Kathlyn's month. I still cry for her all the time, but not every day. It's usually in my quiet moments alone, in bed, looking at her picture or praying about her. But there she was, the other little girl, with a sweet post from her mom about the wonderful girl that she is, with her beautiful smile and beautiful curly hair. I remember the day they brought her home and stopped by our bible study group to say hello. She was strapped in her carseat and I was largely pregnant. I cried that night, gave them a hug and said I was so happy for them and that "I'm next!!!" And a month and 3 days later, I was certainly next. They were born in the same room at the same hospital, into the same doctor's hands, at the same height and same weight. This little girl is my true shadow baby and I have honestly and wholeheartedly enjoyed watching her grow up, although there were many, many more tears of sorrow during and after seeing her for the first few years and especially first few months.
Kathlyn, I am so, so sorry. I want to sit you at the table with a pretty bow in your hair and take your 6th birthday picture. I bet we would have trouble deciding which party theme to have... because I bet we've already used Ponies, Frozen, Minnie, Hello Kitty, and all the popular ones. I wish I knew which one you'd pick. I wish I knew if you'd want a nail polish party or American Girl, rollerskating or swimming, horses or puppies. I miss you with all my heart, sweet girl. I long for the relationship you'd have with your sister and brother. I wanted to watch YOU grow, not just those other amazing two, and not just all your little friends around you who get 6 candles and a kindergarten graduation this year. I am surrounded by blessings, Kathlyn, but tonight, I cry for you, for what might have been. You are still my baby. Sleep tight and wait for Mommy.
Thank you for reading.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
missing her
I spent part of tonight cleaning out an old "catch-all" drawer. (some might like to call that a junk drawer, but it's not junk to me, as you will see.) It's in Kathlyn/Glory's room, the top drawer of one of her dressers. And let's face it, I need the room for all her clothes. I started putting instruction manuals to the baby equipment, spare parts, spare buttons, warranty information, recall information, cards, letters, a few old picture frames, stuff from my baby shower like an extra paper plate and a napkin, the invitation, the deck of cards from the shower game we played. I knew all that stuff was in there. But what I'd forgotten about was this large file envelope of receipts.
I still need the instructions to most of that stuff and the warranty info because Glory is either still using it or we're gonna use it for the next baby, so it's good to have that stuff around. It's not really as heartwrenching to see those manuals because we have been using the equipment itself for so long. It's all Glory's now, but it was Kathlyn's first and whether she is here or not, I know she wouldn't mind sharing.
The thing that gets me about the receipts is that they are all dated. Most of them dated in April 2009. I was 6 months pregnant, knew it was a girl, and about to have my baby shower so I got a lot of gifts in the mail. The stroller system from my mom. Giraffe bouncer from my SIL Jessica. Baby Monitor and a little bath toy from John's cousins. Some yellow and white neutral onesies I ordered myself. I remember getting all of that stuff and being so excited. I had no idea. No idea what was ahead. I was a lovefool and I was DEEPLY in love, and yet DEEPLY fooled.
I threw those receipts away because I have no use for them now. No reason to return and way past the limit of time to return anyway. I got my rainbow baby and I got to use all my baby stuff. The receipts just take up space in a drawer or box now. But it still stings. It's still hard to throw away something that represents part of her life. Part of her life where she was ALIVE.
I never got a receipt for Kathlyn. I want to return that part of my life and get a new one, one where she lives instead of dies. Apparently I saved every receipt "just in case" something was wrong. I never thought there'd be something wrong with the baby. Except there wasn't.. there was NOTHING wrong with her and yet she slipped away from me... slipped through more than my fingers, she slipped away from my whole body, and took the majority of me with her.
I miss her so much. I never even got to know a fraction of who she was gonna be, but I miss her more than any human has the capacity to do. My grief is part of my every day life. I ache for her and her abscense still affects our marriage. I miss Kathlyn in everything I do with Glory, too. It's not fair to her either. They would have been such a sweet pair. At the park today there was another little girl who liked Glory's little push car. She told us she just turned 4 years old, which means she was born about the time I was getting all those receipts collected. She wanted to get in the car, but her grandma told her she was too big (I would have let her). so instead she pushed the car while Glory was in it. Her grandma said, "you're going to be such a good big sister when you're new baby gets here!" and I was thinking, Glory would have been such a great little sister. She doesn't know what she's missing yet. I can miss her enough for the both of us.
I packed away the rest of the contents of the drawer.. the instructions, the cards, the baby shower stuff. Some day I can look through and read the cards from her shower again. With messages and sweet cliches about congratulations and how they can't wait to meet her and how I'm gonna be a great mommy and she's gonna be so cute.
She would have. And I would have. It would have been wonderful. I know because it's what I have with Glory. I know what I missed with Kathlyn, and I know how very blessed I am to have Glory. I hope she gets to have a sister on this side some day, that she gets to grow up with. But then I'm sure I will still be upset that they didn't get to be a group of three. Is having 66% of your children here with you, better than having 50% ? Or is having 75% of them better?
I want 100% of them. And I can't ever have that.
It would have been wonderful.
I still need the instructions to most of that stuff and the warranty info because Glory is either still using it or we're gonna use it for the next baby, so it's good to have that stuff around. It's not really as heartwrenching to see those manuals because we have been using the equipment itself for so long. It's all Glory's now, but it was Kathlyn's first and whether she is here or not, I know she wouldn't mind sharing.
The thing that gets me about the receipts is that they are all dated. Most of them dated in April 2009. I was 6 months pregnant, knew it was a girl, and about to have my baby shower so I got a lot of gifts in the mail. The stroller system from my mom. Giraffe bouncer from my SIL Jessica. Baby Monitor and a little bath toy from John's cousins. Some yellow and white neutral onesies I ordered myself. I remember getting all of that stuff and being so excited. I had no idea. No idea what was ahead. I was a lovefool and I was DEEPLY in love, and yet DEEPLY fooled.
I threw those receipts away because I have no use for them now. No reason to return and way past the limit of time to return anyway. I got my rainbow baby and I got to use all my baby stuff. The receipts just take up space in a drawer or box now. But it still stings. It's still hard to throw away something that represents part of her life. Part of her life where she was ALIVE.
I never got a receipt for Kathlyn. I want to return that part of my life and get a new one, one where she lives instead of dies. Apparently I saved every receipt "just in case" something was wrong. I never thought there'd be something wrong with the baby. Except there wasn't.. there was NOTHING wrong with her and yet she slipped away from me... slipped through more than my fingers, she slipped away from my whole body, and took the majority of me with her.
I miss her so much. I never even got to know a fraction of who she was gonna be, but I miss her more than any human has the capacity to do. My grief is part of my every day life. I ache for her and her abscense still affects our marriage. I miss Kathlyn in everything I do with Glory, too. It's not fair to her either. They would have been such a sweet pair. At the park today there was another little girl who liked Glory's little push car. She told us she just turned 4 years old, which means she was born about the time I was getting all those receipts collected. She wanted to get in the car, but her grandma told her she was too big (I would have let her). so instead she pushed the car while Glory was in it. Her grandma said, "you're going to be such a good big sister when you're new baby gets here!" and I was thinking, Glory would have been such a great little sister. She doesn't know what she's missing yet. I can miss her enough for the both of us.
I packed away the rest of the contents of the drawer.. the instructions, the cards, the baby shower stuff. Some day I can look through and read the cards from her shower again. With messages and sweet cliches about congratulations and how they can't wait to meet her and how I'm gonna be a great mommy and she's gonna be so cute.
She would have. And I would have. It would have been wonderful. I know because it's what I have with Glory. I know what I missed with Kathlyn, and I know how very blessed I am to have Glory. I hope she gets to have a sister on this side some day, that she gets to grow up with. But then I'm sure I will still be upset that they didn't get to be a group of three. Is having 66% of your children here with you, better than having 50% ? Or is having 75% of them better?
I want 100% of them. And I can't ever have that.
It would have been wonderful.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Once upon a time..
Once upon a time I had a daughter. Even on ultrasound, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her face was already just so cute and precious. The first time I saw her little thigh and knee-cap and shin and calf so perfectly formed, I just adored every little piece of her. I couldn't wait to photograph that face myself and bend those little legs into my arms. All I ever wanted in life was a daughter, and I was about to get one. She was my dream come true.
You all know the story. The dream come true that never came true. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. When you lose your only child, you lose your parenthood too. For me, it was my entire identity completely flushed down the drain in one foul swoop. You know the story. You don't have to read about it again, even though I still live with it every day.
Once upon a now... I have a daughter. And oh my goodness gracious, she is my dream come true. She lives up to her name and more. You all know the story! I photograph her face every day and I carry her around in my arms. It is wonderful to carry a baby in your actual arms, and not just your heart.
Once upon a time in between, I had another daughter. I only got to physically be connected to her for less than two months. I never even got official medical confirmation that she was a daughter... but I don't need that. She was my daughter too. I saw her body on the screen and I saw her little heart beating. Hope. Motherhood. My baby.
On April 5, 2010, I turned 30 years old. It was a beautiful day spent in the mountains with my husband after having a homemade pancake breakfast with my best friend and her little girl. I was pregnant with that little daughter in between. We stopped at our favorite overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway and took a picture. I burned my leg on the side of the motorcycle. I was pregnant and happy. Still grieving, but filled with hope and promise of another little dream come true.
The next day, I had an ultrasound and heard the words no one should ever have to hear "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't see a heartbeat." That sentence again. It was a different ultrasound technician than the first time. A different room. A different machine. A different doctor. The same heartbreak. The same devastation. The same loss of hope. The same loss of motherhood.
I don't have an uplifting end to this. Even in my worst of days and rawest and most painful blog entries, I tried to end on some kind of positive note or hope for better times. But I don't have one here (unless you want me to talk about Glory again). My husband and I suffered tremendous losses, and nothing can fill them up or make it better. What happened to us is not ok and never will be. There are only two things we wouldn't trade to have those babies back.
I'm sorry we didn't get to know you better my 2nd little love. I'm sorry if you feel like you aren't mentioned or honored as much as your big sister. But you will always hold a special place in Mommy's heart, just for you. You were just as wanted and wished for as the others. Kisses to the sky for you my little cherry. Sleep tight and wait for me. You are still my baby.
You all know the story. The dream come true that never came true. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. When you lose your only child, you lose your parenthood too. For me, it was my entire identity completely flushed down the drain in one foul swoop. You know the story. You don't have to read about it again, even though I still live with it every day.
Once upon a now... I have a daughter. And oh my goodness gracious, she is my dream come true. She lives up to her name and more. You all know the story! I photograph her face every day and I carry her around in my arms. It is wonderful to carry a baby in your actual arms, and not just your heart.
Once upon a time in between, I had another daughter. I only got to physically be connected to her for less than two months. I never even got official medical confirmation that she was a daughter... but I don't need that. She was my daughter too. I saw her body on the screen and I saw her little heart beating. Hope. Motherhood. My baby.
On April 5, 2010, I turned 30 years old. It was a beautiful day spent in the mountains with my husband after having a homemade pancake breakfast with my best friend and her little girl. I was pregnant with that little daughter in between. We stopped at our favorite overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway and took a picture. I burned my leg on the side of the motorcycle. I was pregnant and happy. Still grieving, but filled with hope and promise of another little dream come true.
The next day, I had an ultrasound and heard the words no one should ever have to hear "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't see a heartbeat." That sentence again. It was a different ultrasound technician than the first time. A different room. A different machine. A different doctor. The same heartbreak. The same devastation. The same loss of hope. The same loss of motherhood.
I don't have an uplifting end to this. Even in my worst of days and rawest and most painful blog entries, I tried to end on some kind of positive note or hope for better times. But I don't have one here (unless you want me to talk about Glory again). My husband and I suffered tremendous losses, and nothing can fill them up or make it better. What happened to us is not ok and never will be. There are only two things we wouldn't trade to have those babies back.
I'm sorry we didn't get to know you better my 2nd little love. I'm sorry if you feel like you aren't mentioned or honored as much as your big sister. But you will always hold a special place in Mommy's heart, just for you. You were just as wanted and wished for as the others. Kisses to the sky for you my little cherry. Sleep tight and wait for me. You are still my baby.
Monday, January 14, 2013
What to expect..
Spoiler Alert...
Earlier this evening I watched "What to Expect When You're Expecting".. John was half watching with me, but it's not really his kind of movie and he was busy doing other things. But we had this conversation early in the movie.
Him: This is a movie all about pregnancy?
Me: Yes, it's "What to Expect When You're Expecting"..
Him: oh. did we expect to lose our baby all the way at the end of the pregnancy?
Me: No, we definitely didn't expect that.
So I was kind of trying to light-heartedly watch this movie without comparing my awful pregnancy loss history to it, like I always do, but there went that idea. John doesn't often say things like that. Only every once in awhile. oh well. So I guess I'll just have to be disappointed in this movie when everyone has a beautiful perfect pregnancy with no mention of baby loss, like most movies.
I was wrong. Very sad. But actually NOT disappointed.
The movie follows about 5 women on their pregnancy journeys. Some married, some not. They all have different situations except it's the first pregnancy for all of them. I was actually impressed with the movie and how it explored lots of different things you can "expect" when pregnant and trying to conceive. It explored one couple on an adoption journey and touched on difficulty with fertility as well. I did not see it coming for one of the women to actually lose the baby. It definitely made me cry, but I was glad to see them tell that story, because it IS so common, and it IS something some women might have to expect or go through when they are pregnant. They don't say how many weeks the loss is, but they kind of imply second trimester. She was showing, but had an ultrasound before the loss where it wasn't quite time to tell the gender yet, which is usually about 20 weeks. They also showed how it feels when you're having a difficult pregnancy, or difficulty getting pregnant, or have lost a baby, and have to watch as other women have seemily perfect, happy, and easy pregnancies.
I vaguely remember this movie getting bad reviews. Not sure why. It was nothing spectacular, but it was well rounded. I can say that I'm "glad" that baby died because it's not a real baby. I would never want this to happen to anyone, but it does. All the time. It's nice to have someone to relate to, to know I'm not alone, but not have to be sad for them in return because it's not real. And they could probably make a sequel "What the Expect the First Year" and it could be pretty cute, and give the bereaved their rainbow baby... which I know is not reality either. Not everyone gets that. But that's usually how Hollywood works.. ties everything up in a nice little bow, with happy endings. The real raw stuff, the real emotions, is left for only us, not often explored enough in the movies.
Unless you want to watch "The Other Woman".. with Natalie Portman or "Rabbit Hole" with Nicole Kidman. Or even "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"... those movies all do an excellent job or showing true grief.... when you least expect it..
Earlier this evening I watched "What to Expect When You're Expecting".. John was half watching with me, but it's not really his kind of movie and he was busy doing other things. But we had this conversation early in the movie.
Him: This is a movie all about pregnancy?
Me: Yes, it's "What to Expect When You're Expecting"..
Him: oh. did we expect to lose our baby all the way at the end of the pregnancy?
Me: No, we definitely didn't expect that.
So I was kind of trying to light-heartedly watch this movie without comparing my awful pregnancy loss history to it, like I always do, but there went that idea. John doesn't often say things like that. Only every once in awhile. oh well. So I guess I'll just have to be disappointed in this movie when everyone has a beautiful perfect pregnancy with no mention of baby loss, like most movies.
I was wrong. Very sad. But actually NOT disappointed.
The movie follows about 5 women on their pregnancy journeys. Some married, some not. They all have different situations except it's the first pregnancy for all of them. I was actually impressed with the movie and how it explored lots of different things you can "expect" when pregnant and trying to conceive. It explored one couple on an adoption journey and touched on difficulty with fertility as well. I did not see it coming for one of the women to actually lose the baby. It definitely made me cry, but I was glad to see them tell that story, because it IS so common, and it IS something some women might have to expect or go through when they are pregnant. They don't say how many weeks the loss is, but they kind of imply second trimester. She was showing, but had an ultrasound before the loss where it wasn't quite time to tell the gender yet, which is usually about 20 weeks. They also showed how it feels when you're having a difficult pregnancy, or difficulty getting pregnant, or have lost a baby, and have to watch as other women have seemily perfect, happy, and easy pregnancies.
I vaguely remember this movie getting bad reviews. Not sure why. It was nothing spectacular, but it was well rounded. I can say that I'm "glad" that baby died because it's not a real baby. I would never want this to happen to anyone, but it does. All the time. It's nice to have someone to relate to, to know I'm not alone, but not have to be sad for them in return because it's not real. And they could probably make a sequel "What the Expect the First Year" and it could be pretty cute, and give the bereaved their rainbow baby... which I know is not reality either. Not everyone gets that. But that's usually how Hollywood works.. ties everything up in a nice little bow, with happy endings. The real raw stuff, the real emotions, is left for only us, not often explored enough in the movies.
Unless you want to watch "The Other Woman".. with Natalie Portman or "Rabbit Hole" with Nicole Kidman. Or even "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"... those movies all do an excellent job or showing true grief.... when you least expect it..
Friday, December 28, 2012
Christmas Eve
3 years ago on Christmas Eve, 2009, I wrote this...
"it is currently 19 minutes into december 25th, and christmas is officially over for me. what a relief. i made it through the christmas eve service, with minimal tears and a hefty dose of denial. as we were walking out the door, john and i opened the mail and found a gift card to applebees from his cousins. and they were open, so that's where we had dinner after church. christmas dinner at applebees for bereaved parents: perfection. the waitress placed the food on the table, and john put ketchup onto his burger. as i poured sugar into my coffee and picked up my fork, i said, totally as if i was in passing conversation, "thanks for the food, happy birthday, i'm sad, amen," made eye contact with john, and we both laughed. that was that. when we paid the bill, it was completely covered by the gift card, so all that was left was to tip the waitress. john gave her all the cash in his wallet, which turned out to be just short of a 100% tip. he said, because it's christmas eve, and we know how it feels to work on a holiday. he also heard her saying her boyfriend was in iraq, and that she was a student. sometimes, i wonder how john's big heart doesnt just burst out of his chest. he's so very kind. i dont know how i can manage to be so blessed and so lucky, and yet so unlucky at the same time."
http://safeinthishouse.blogspot.com/2009/12/blue-christmas.html
Just a few days ago on Christmas Even this year, we went to Applebees again, after church service again, because it was the only place open. Who would have thought in my misery the last time we were there on Christmas Eve, that we'd sit at a table adjacent to the first one... this time with our little rainbow baby with us. She was in rare form.. a massive grump, a little toddler grinch who hadn't had a nap that afternoon. She had a few bites of an appetizer but was so tired and having one mini-tantrum after another that I had to take her to the car to calm down, with the suggestion just to get the rest of the meal to go. It was frustrating sure, but I will take a grouchy toddler any day over that childless parenting miserable grief. Our waitress also seem frazzled, not because of our grinch, but because apparently there was another table giving her a hard time. Over jalepenos, as John overheard. Jalepenos, really?! that's your issue?! it's Christmas Eve! 3 years ago we sat here miserable because our baby was dead, not because they were out of jalepenos. Tell me about a real problem.
When we returned from the car, Glory had calmed down and was eating little pieces of chicken with her bare hands right off the top of my chopped chicken salad with mango corn salsa... go for it my baby girl! you can have as much of Mommy's salad as you want. I will go without. Because all I wanted for Christmas was her, anyway. The only thing missing was my 3 year old. Only. Only that enormous hole in my heart.
The bill was around $30. And John left $30 for the waitress. 100% tip again. Just like last time. For the crying, for the mess, for the jerks wanting jalepenos, for having to work on Christmas. I still wonder how his heart doesn't burst with all that kindness. And how mine doesn't burst from the constant overwhelming pull of heartbreak versus pure joy.
"it is currently 19 minutes into december 25th, and christmas is officially over for me. what a relief. i made it through the christmas eve service, with minimal tears and a hefty dose of denial. as we were walking out the door, john and i opened the mail and found a gift card to applebees from his cousins. and they were open, so that's where we had dinner after church. christmas dinner at applebees for bereaved parents: perfection. the waitress placed the food on the table, and john put ketchup onto his burger. as i poured sugar into my coffee and picked up my fork, i said, totally as if i was in passing conversation, "thanks for the food, happy birthday, i'm sad, amen," made eye contact with john, and we both laughed. that was that. when we paid the bill, it was completely covered by the gift card, so all that was left was to tip the waitress. john gave her all the cash in his wallet, which turned out to be just short of a 100% tip. he said, because it's christmas eve, and we know how it feels to work on a holiday. he also heard her saying her boyfriend was in iraq, and that she was a student. sometimes, i wonder how john's big heart doesnt just burst out of his chest. he's so very kind. i dont know how i can manage to be so blessed and so lucky, and yet so unlucky at the same time."
http://safeinthishouse.blogspot.com/2009/12/blue-christmas.html
Just a few days ago on Christmas Even this year, we went to Applebees again, after church service again, because it was the only place open. Who would have thought in my misery the last time we were there on Christmas Eve, that we'd sit at a table adjacent to the first one... this time with our little rainbow baby with us. She was in rare form.. a massive grump, a little toddler grinch who hadn't had a nap that afternoon. She had a few bites of an appetizer but was so tired and having one mini-tantrum after another that I had to take her to the car to calm down, with the suggestion just to get the rest of the meal to go. It was frustrating sure, but I will take a grouchy toddler any day over that childless parenting miserable grief. Our waitress also seem frazzled, not because of our grinch, but because apparently there was another table giving her a hard time. Over jalepenos, as John overheard. Jalepenos, really?! that's your issue?! it's Christmas Eve! 3 years ago we sat here miserable because our baby was dead, not because they were out of jalepenos. Tell me about a real problem.
When we returned from the car, Glory had calmed down and was eating little pieces of chicken with her bare hands right off the top of my chopped chicken salad with mango corn salsa... go for it my baby girl! you can have as much of Mommy's salad as you want. I will go without. Because all I wanted for Christmas was her, anyway. The only thing missing was my 3 year old. Only. Only that enormous hole in my heart.
The bill was around $30. And John left $30 for the waitress. 100% tip again. Just like last time. For the crying, for the mess, for the jerks wanting jalepenos, for having to work on Christmas. I still wonder how his heart doesn't burst with all that kindness. And how mine doesn't burst from the constant overwhelming pull of heartbreak versus pure joy.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
122112
Those Mayans got nothin on my bible.
Yesterday here is what happened to us instead of the world ending: my SLR camera fell down a flight of spiral stairs in the Biltmore House while I was trying to carry my stroller up. Smooth move. Broke completely in half. It still works, you just have to kinda hold the lens in place. And, while we were gone, a tree fell into our backyard and broke the fence, including the gate. It is a miracle that the dogs were still there when we got home. Unless they went out for an adventure and we didn't know it. Thank goodness they weren't hurt from the fall either!
My precious Katie-cakes... Mommy misses you so much, and I am sorry it turns out we didn't get to meet again yesterday. Sleep tight and keeping waiting for me. Kisses to the sky for you every day, you are still mine.
Yesterday here is what happened to us instead of the world ending: my SLR camera fell down a flight of spiral stairs in the Biltmore House while I was trying to carry my stroller up. Smooth move. Broke completely in half. It still works, you just have to kinda hold the lens in place. And, while we were gone, a tree fell into our backyard and broke the fence, including the gate. It is a miracle that the dogs were still there when we got home. Unless they went out for an adventure and we didn't know it. Thank goodness they weren't hurt from the fall either!
My precious Katie-cakes... Mommy misses you so much, and I am sorry it turns out we didn't get to meet again yesterday. Sleep tight and keeping waiting for me. Kisses to the sky for you every day, you are still mine.
Monday, December 17, 2012
just anxiety
It's been a long time. Such a long time. I feel like I need to update the look of this thing.. the music player doesn't work anymore, some of the links and photos are broken. I feel like I need to write tonight but I don't even know which blog I should write on. There was a point where I had so much to say, that I had 3 blogs. I am saddened that I haven't written to Kathlyn since her 2nd birthday. It doesn't matter though, and I know that, because I talk to her every day, multiple times. My heart is still just as broken as it was 3.5 years ago; I feel her absence in everything I do, everywhere I go, with every breath I take, but I just don't use writing as an outlet like I used to.
Today is Monday. On Friday, a crazy, heartless psychopath broke into an elementary school and killed 26 people, 20 who were children. Although really, the other 6 people, they were someone's children too. Some of those adults were really young. I know the teachers who died were in their 20s, though the administrators may have been in their 40s or 50s. But I wonder if THEIR parents, in the angry stage of their grief, will resent the "this is such a horrible thing, ESPECIALLY because it was children!" Those adults I'm sure had just as many loved ones as the children. Of course it is extra sickening for innocence to be attacked, I'm just saying, the families of those 6 adults will have just as much heartbreak.
I just read this comment on the bottom of an article on yahoo - "The breaking news portion of this event is over, now begins the media's seemingly ghoulish delight in rehashing a horrific event from every possible angle. Leave the people to mourn their dead in peace." It's so true. and after you see what I've been through this weekend, you may possibly scold me for reading an article at all.
On Saturday, I started feeling sick and weak, and I had this horrible episode which almost brought me to the emergency room. I was terribly short of breath, lightheaded, with a tight chest and racing heart. It was terrifying. when you have a 1 year old though, it's not that easy to coordinate a trip to the ER. do I drive myself, while John stays with her? does he drive me, and we bring her? that's the worst idea. ask someone to watch her? that would have been the best idea, but I wasn't sure I really needed to go or not. so I went to sleep. I slept for hours, basically the rest of the day and all through the night and all morning and afternoon into Sunday. I still felt weak, but no more chest tightness. all day I still felt so shaky and weak though, with short bouts of shortness of breath. I felt like I couldn't get out a sentence. bending down to pick up a toy exhausted me. we managed a trip to get some groceries, but I was feeling so bad while we were there, that we drove past 2 urgent care centers on the way home; they were both closed. so I slept another 3 hours after we got home, and decided (with the help of 2 good nurse friends who turned out to have the exact same opinion) just to call my regular doctor in the morning. at the doctor, my exam, numbers, and chest xray were all normal, except my blood pressure was 144/92. the other day i actually had it checked and it was 100/62. big difference! so it's anxiety. "just anxiety." fantastic. I used to feel this way all the time after Kathlyn died... quick heart rate, lightheaded, tight chest, short of breath.. definite panic attacks and i do NOT want to feel that way all the time anymore.. it was awful.... except now i also have this weakness which im not sure where that's coming from. the doctor said maybe with this "dose of reassurance" that there's nothing wrong with my heart and lungs, maybe i can feel better.
I know EVERYONE is shaken by the shooting but the reality is, children die every day everywhere. crime occurs every day everywhere. I have had that reality spit in my face that we cannot protect our children no matter how much we love them or how much we try. there have been lots of platitudes about how now there are 20 children who will never graduate, never get married, never have children of their own, but that is the same for all the rest of the children who died on Friday in this country and around the world and every day since then. i am NOT NOT NOT taking away the grief of those families or the severity and horror of this event. they have a lifetime of sadness and struggle ahead of them, i can tell you that from personal experience. but as that other commenter stated, maybe we should let these people mourn in peace and not bombard them with media. it has caused my PTSD to surface and show it's ugly face. ironically, the appointment to see my medical doctor caused me to cancel my weekly appointment with my therapist, which is probably what i really needed. my heart beats fast for those families, children, and staff of that school. PTSD will rule their hearts and minds forever now too.
Death Barged In
by Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno
Today is Monday. On Friday, a crazy, heartless psychopath broke into an elementary school and killed 26 people, 20 who were children. Although really, the other 6 people, they were someone's children too. Some of those adults were really young. I know the teachers who died were in their 20s, though the administrators may have been in their 40s or 50s. But I wonder if THEIR parents, in the angry stage of their grief, will resent the "this is such a horrible thing, ESPECIALLY because it was children!" Those adults I'm sure had just as many loved ones as the children. Of course it is extra sickening for innocence to be attacked, I'm just saying, the families of those 6 adults will have just as much heartbreak.
I just read this comment on the bottom of an article on yahoo - "The breaking news portion of this event is over, now begins the media's seemingly ghoulish delight in rehashing a horrific event from every possible angle. Leave the people to mourn their dead in peace." It's so true. and after you see what I've been through this weekend, you may possibly scold me for reading an article at all.
On Saturday, I started feeling sick and weak, and I had this horrible episode which almost brought me to the emergency room. I was terribly short of breath, lightheaded, with a tight chest and racing heart. It was terrifying. when you have a 1 year old though, it's not that easy to coordinate a trip to the ER. do I drive myself, while John stays with her? does he drive me, and we bring her? that's the worst idea. ask someone to watch her? that would have been the best idea, but I wasn't sure I really needed to go or not. so I went to sleep. I slept for hours, basically the rest of the day and all through the night and all morning and afternoon into Sunday. I still felt weak, but no more chest tightness. all day I still felt so shaky and weak though, with short bouts of shortness of breath. I felt like I couldn't get out a sentence. bending down to pick up a toy exhausted me. we managed a trip to get some groceries, but I was feeling so bad while we were there, that we drove past 2 urgent care centers on the way home; they were both closed. so I slept another 3 hours after we got home, and decided (with the help of 2 good nurse friends who turned out to have the exact same opinion) just to call my regular doctor in the morning. at the doctor, my exam, numbers, and chest xray were all normal, except my blood pressure was 144/92. the other day i actually had it checked and it was 100/62. big difference! so it's anxiety. "just anxiety." fantastic. I used to feel this way all the time after Kathlyn died... quick heart rate, lightheaded, tight chest, short of breath.. definite panic attacks and i do NOT want to feel that way all the time anymore.. it was awful.... except now i also have this weakness which im not sure where that's coming from. the doctor said maybe with this "dose of reassurance" that there's nothing wrong with my heart and lungs, maybe i can feel better.
I know EVERYONE is shaken by the shooting but the reality is, children die every day everywhere. crime occurs every day everywhere. I have had that reality spit in my face that we cannot protect our children no matter how much we love them or how much we try. there have been lots of platitudes about how now there are 20 children who will never graduate, never get married, never have children of their own, but that is the same for all the rest of the children who died on Friday in this country and around the world and every day since then. i am NOT NOT NOT taking away the grief of those families or the severity and horror of this event. they have a lifetime of sadness and struggle ahead of them, i can tell you that from personal experience. but as that other commenter stated, maybe we should let these people mourn in peace and not bombard them with media. it has caused my PTSD to surface and show it's ugly face. ironically, the appointment to see my medical doctor caused me to cancel my weekly appointment with my therapist, which is probably what i really needed. my heart beats fast for those families, children, and staff of that school. PTSD will rule their hearts and minds forever now too.
Death Barged In
by Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno
Death barged in In his Russian greatcoat slamming open the door with an unpardonable bang, and he has been here ever since. He changes everything, rearranges the furniture, his hand hovers by the phone; he will answer now, he says; he will be the answer. Tonight he sits down to dinner at the head of the table as we eat, mute; later, he climbs into bed between us. Even as I sit here, he stands behind me clamping two colossal hands on my shoulders and bends down and whispers to my neck, From now on, you write about me. | ||
Sunday, January 15, 2012
air above water
I don't know if I ever posted this on the blog... it was from 9/28/10. I was pregnant with Glory, and thinking of Kathlyn, as always.
------------------------
underwater she breathes,
she blooms,
without light,
with sound, with love.
in transparent silhouettes
she is photographed,
bloming perfection, love
hopes, dreams.
light of heaven becomes her
not the light of earth as expected
gentle, comforting sounds and touches
love even more eternal than a mother's.
above water
i can't breathe.
with sunlight
i no longer bloom.
all i hear is the cries of
brokenhearted mothers
struggling to breathe
to walk
to understand
to be understood.
we failed
and we were failed.
succeeding only at loving our babies.
leaves turn
snow falls
cherries blossom
birds take flight.
i breathe,
a different air than before,
air above water,
air she never felt.
underwater
she breathed,
occupied the space
under my heart
with love.
------------------------
underwater she breathes,
she blooms,
without light,
with sound, with love.
in transparent silhouettes
she is photographed,
bloming perfection, love
hopes, dreams.
light of heaven becomes her
not the light of earth as expected
gentle, comforting sounds and touches
love even more eternal than a mother's.
above water
i can't breathe.
with sunlight
i no longer bloom.
all i hear is the cries of
brokenhearted mothers
struggling to breathe
to walk
to understand
to be understood.
we failed
and we were failed.
succeeding only at loving our babies.
leaves turn
snow falls
cherries blossom
birds take flight.
i breathe,
a different air than before,
air above water,
air she never felt.
underwater
she breathed,
occupied the space
under my heart
with love.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
raw truth
I'm get really tired of listening to people talk about how hard it is to have 2 children. you know what, I have 2 children too. and I agree, it's really fucking hard.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
rummaging
i went through my attic today. twice. because the first time, glory was not allowing me to put her down :) i love it when i can't do something (not being sarcastic!) because my baby needs me. i have waited my whole life for that. so the second time i went through the attic was just now, at 5am. she does let me put her down to sleep, but that's about the only time.
among various other vintage 80s toys (the ORIGINAL care bears, ponies, and rainbow brite), term papers and flashcards and notes and photos from high school (we were so unnecessarily dramatic over absolutely nothing), i found the following: ticket stub from the roof of the World Trade Center, a keychain that says "I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time" (made me laugh!), the shoe and sock i was wearing when my foot got run over by a car, my retainer (nasty!), and a little family history book my grandma wrote for me, that I'm going to read to her when I visit in October. i did NOT find what i was looking for.. a small metal license plate for a child's bike that says "i brake for smurfs" lol. how vintage! i know it's up there somewhere! i might break down and buy it on ebay for $2 to $10. it's so classic. apparently it came from a cereal box. i really wanted to put it in the back of my car while the smurfs movie is popular right now. we had 2 or 3 different ones, but that one was my favorite. whatever, i know at least half of you are looking it up on ebay right now.
i also found some of my books from when i was a baby/young child that i set aside for glory... after being properly cleaned, of course. and i was thinking the whole time i was going through these boxes how much fun glory will have when i let her go through them. i'm going to try my best not to go through them again until then, because if you go through that stuff too often, you just know what's in there and it's not exciting to find it all again. but everything, and i mean everything, that i get excited about for glory also gets clouded with missing kathlyn and how much fun she would have had, all 3 of us would have had, doing it together. kathlyn is in heaven. and none of us can fathom what that's like. but isn't quality time with mommy and sister a little piece of heaven too? how come she couldnt have both? she should have been able to come here and do this part first, then get the glory of heaven after she lived her life like the rest of us. i miss her so much. and it's not that glory falls short in any category at all. i am happier with her than i've ever been in my life, and that is a groundbreaking statement considering the 18 months of utter misery i had before her arrival. going from far beyond rock bottom to absolute blissful cherry on top.. it's exhausting.
as i was rummaging through all these things i found a little trinket that my brother gave me for christmas when i was about 4 or 5. he bought it with his own money from the christmas fair at school. (i have an awesome memory, yes). it's a little girl on a keychain and it says "super sister."
i always wanted a sister. my best friend growing up had two sisters and i just had two mean older brothers. i also loved babies, and i was the youngest, so i never got to play with a baby sibling either. i have been telling john that i would really like to have another girl.. a sister for glory. one that she gets to grow up with, because it's not fair. people have said that it won't hurt glory, she never knew kathlyn so she won't grieve her. but i know what it's like to long for a sister. except really, i never had one, so i never lost one. glory has one, one that she'll never know. one that she'll long for. that's not to say that if we have another girl, all will be well and right in the world, because then kathlyn and glory and the new baby will miss the experience of having TWO sisters each. but i still want it for glory. i'm getting to raise a daughter like i always wanted and i know i'm so blessed for that. so i want that super sister for glory. i put the little girl back in that box for us to rummage back out in a few years. even if we don't have anymore children, glory will know she's a super sister already. i'm scratching my head right now as why i put it back in the box. i think maybe it belongs in her room.
among various other vintage 80s toys (the ORIGINAL care bears, ponies, and rainbow brite), term papers and flashcards and notes and photos from high school (we were so unnecessarily dramatic over absolutely nothing), i found the following: ticket stub from the roof of the World Trade Center, a keychain that says "I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time" (made me laugh!), the shoe and sock i was wearing when my foot got run over by a car, my retainer (nasty!), and a little family history book my grandma wrote for me, that I'm going to read to her when I visit in October. i did NOT find what i was looking for.. a small metal license plate for a child's bike that says "i brake for smurfs" lol. how vintage! i know it's up there somewhere! i might break down and buy it on ebay for $2 to $10. it's so classic. apparently it came from a cereal box. i really wanted to put it in the back of my car while the smurfs movie is popular right now. we had 2 or 3 different ones, but that one was my favorite. whatever, i know at least half of you are looking it up on ebay right now.
i also found some of my books from when i was a baby/young child that i set aside for glory... after being properly cleaned, of course. and i was thinking the whole time i was going through these boxes how much fun glory will have when i let her go through them. i'm going to try my best not to go through them again until then, because if you go through that stuff too often, you just know what's in there and it's not exciting to find it all again. but everything, and i mean everything, that i get excited about for glory also gets clouded with missing kathlyn and how much fun she would have had, all 3 of us would have had, doing it together. kathlyn is in heaven. and none of us can fathom what that's like. but isn't quality time with mommy and sister a little piece of heaven too? how come she couldnt have both? she should have been able to come here and do this part first, then get the glory of heaven after she lived her life like the rest of us. i miss her so much. and it's not that glory falls short in any category at all. i am happier with her than i've ever been in my life, and that is a groundbreaking statement considering the 18 months of utter misery i had before her arrival. going from far beyond rock bottom to absolute blissful cherry on top.. it's exhausting.
as i was rummaging through all these things i found a little trinket that my brother gave me for christmas when i was about 4 or 5. he bought it with his own money from the christmas fair at school. (i have an awesome memory, yes). it's a little girl on a keychain and it says "super sister."
i always wanted a sister. my best friend growing up had two sisters and i just had two mean older brothers. i also loved babies, and i was the youngest, so i never got to play with a baby sibling either. i have been telling john that i would really like to have another girl.. a sister for glory. one that she gets to grow up with, because it's not fair. people have said that it won't hurt glory, she never knew kathlyn so she won't grieve her. but i know what it's like to long for a sister. except really, i never had one, so i never lost one. glory has one, one that she'll never know. one that she'll long for. that's not to say that if we have another girl, all will be well and right in the world, because then kathlyn and glory and the new baby will miss the experience of having TWO sisters each. but i still want it for glory. i'm getting to raise a daughter like i always wanted and i know i'm so blessed for that. so i want that super sister for glory. i put the little girl back in that box for us to rummage back out in a few years. even if we don't have anymore children, glory will know she's a super sister already. i'm scratching my head right now as why i put it back in the box. i think maybe it belongs in her room.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
the easy part
Glory is 1 month old today! How is that possible?! Time when I was pregnant went so, so slow, and now it's moving at the speed of light. She still looks and feels and acts like a brand newborn though... probably because she's only 4 days past her actual due date. She has her 1 month check later today and I'm definitely anxious to see what she weighs.
I've had a few people ask me, my therapist included, if I've been, or if I'm going to be writing about Glory. My simple answer is this.. I guess I'd rather be with her than write about her. Even right now, I wasn't thrilled about putting her down to write anything. I *do* put her down... sometimes :) But not very often. I don't know HOW I'm going to go back to work. Ever. I have never been separated from her except for a few minutes to run into Target or the grocery store while my mom or John stayed in the car with her. Yesterday, I was going into the store and told my mom to drive across the street to mail some letters, then come right back to pick me up.. but then I said nevermind. I wanted her to wait in the parking lot for me. I didn't want her driving away with Glory. She had to at least be as near as right outside the store I was in. Seriously... going to work??? HOW?!
Yesterday we were in Old Navy and the woman behind me in line said "aw, that's a little baby. how old is she?" I said "4 weeks." She said "they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up", referring to her toddler aged son in her cart. I was just half-grinning, I guess... the check-out clerk said "how old is he?" and she said "almost 2."
uh-huh. I have another daughter. and she'd be "almost 2" too. I think it's a little rude.. or weird at best, to give advice to a complete stranger.. let alone how audacious it is to tell the mother of a newborn how easy she has it. I wonder how many hours of sleep SHE got the past few nights, because we could perhaps compare notes. I imagine the conversation could have gone a little different if I'd chosen to speak more than two words to her (the two words being "four" and "weeks".)
her - how old is she?me - four weeks.
her -they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up.
me - this isn't my first.
now technically, although she's not my first, i don't know what it's like to have an almost 2 year old or what it was like to have a newborn until now. regardless.. she was making assumptions about my life. and how easy it is because i dont know yet how hard toddlerhood is. please, no lectures about her good intentions. after all, i spared her her own fat foot in her mouth, although i dont know why i spared her, she's the one who got personal in the first place. my mom said "because it's hard to talk about it all the time". i said "it's hard NOT to talk about it".. and she said "it's just hard."
anyway... perhaps...
me - this isn't my first.
her - oh ok, how old is your other one?
me - she'd be almost 2, too, but she died the day she was born. [edit - she was born the day she died.]
her, mortified - oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!
and she may or may not have asked me what happened. some people do, some don't. I imagine she would have asked, because she'd want to know if she's immune to it, if it's something that only happens to other people. Either way, she could have gotten a free lesson on assuming what other people have been through. Just because I'm walking around happy and blessed with my beautiful newborn, I'm not a new mom. And maybe this is the easy part, but only because it's ALL "the easy part" when your child is actually alive. I'm sure her little guy keeps her running. I'm hoping and praying that in about a year, I'll experience "the hard part" of raising a toddler, too. But I promise her, it's harder to be without your toddler than it is to have the luxury to be utterly exhausted by them.
I wrote about Kathlyn all the time in my early grief, because I felt like I couldn't do it alone. I needed an outlet, I needed people to listen. I still think about her every minute, but the grief thoughts are the same and I ran out of new things to write. But I think I miss her more now that I have Glory, which I didn't think was possible. I miss her more now because I'm learning exactly what I missed. Those eyes staring up at you while you're nursing. That soft skin. Those baby noises. Pushing the stroller. Taking photographs. Dressing her up. Watching her with John. Just plain looking at her. I want it with Kathlyn. I want to be doing this the second time around. I want to be a seasoned pro at the newborn thing and be learning the toddler thing. A question that's also come up recently is "how many children do you want?" when we talk about having more. (not quite as hard as the ever popular "how many children do you have?" that comes from complete strangers). I've always been the kind of person who would love to have a lot of children.. my dad was one of seven. But now, really, I would give anything to just have the two I already had. My Kathlyn and my Glory. With a cherry on top.
.
I've had a few people ask me, my therapist included, if I've been, or if I'm going to be writing about Glory. My simple answer is this.. I guess I'd rather be with her than write about her. Even right now, I wasn't thrilled about putting her down to write anything. I *do* put her down... sometimes :) But not very often. I don't know HOW I'm going to go back to work. Ever. I have never been separated from her except for a few minutes to run into Target or the grocery store while my mom or John stayed in the car with her. Yesterday, I was going into the store and told my mom to drive across the street to mail some letters, then come right back to pick me up.. but then I said nevermind. I wanted her to wait in the parking lot for me. I didn't want her driving away with Glory. She had to at least be as near as right outside the store I was in. Seriously... going to work??? HOW?!
Yesterday we were in Old Navy and the woman behind me in line said "aw, that's a little baby. how old is she?" I said "4 weeks." She said "they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up", referring to her toddler aged son in her cart. I was just half-grinning, I guess... the check-out clerk said "how old is he?" and she said "almost 2."
uh-huh. I have another daughter. and she'd be "almost 2" too. I think it's a little rude.. or weird at best, to give advice to a complete stranger.. let alone how audacious it is to tell the mother of a newborn how easy she has it. I wonder how many hours of sleep SHE got the past few nights, because we could perhaps compare notes. I imagine the conversation could have gone a little different if I'd chosen to speak more than two words to her (the two words being "four" and "weeks".)
her - how old is she?me - four weeks.
her -they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up.
me - this isn't my first.
now technically, although she's not my first, i don't know what it's like to have an almost 2 year old or what it was like to have a newborn until now. regardless.. she was making assumptions about my life. and how easy it is because i dont know yet how hard toddlerhood is. please, no lectures about her good intentions. after all, i spared her her own fat foot in her mouth, although i dont know why i spared her, she's the one who got personal in the first place. my mom said "because it's hard to talk about it all the time". i said "it's hard NOT to talk about it".. and she said "it's just hard."
anyway... perhaps...
me - this isn't my first.
her - oh ok, how old is your other one?
me - she'd be almost 2, too, but she died the day she was born. [edit - she was born the day she died.]
her, mortified - oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!
and she may or may not have asked me what happened. some people do, some don't. I imagine she would have asked, because she'd want to know if she's immune to it, if it's something that only happens to other people. Either way, she could have gotten a free lesson on assuming what other people have been through. Just because I'm walking around happy and blessed with my beautiful newborn, I'm not a new mom. And maybe this is the easy part, but only because it's ALL "the easy part" when your child is actually alive. I'm sure her little guy keeps her running. I'm hoping and praying that in about a year, I'll experience "the hard part" of raising a toddler, too. But I promise her, it's harder to be without your toddler than it is to have the luxury to be utterly exhausted by them.
I wrote about Kathlyn all the time in my early grief, because I felt like I couldn't do it alone. I needed an outlet, I needed people to listen. I still think about her every minute, but the grief thoughts are the same and I ran out of new things to write. But I think I miss her more now that I have Glory, which I didn't think was possible. I miss her more now because I'm learning exactly what I missed. Those eyes staring up at you while you're nursing. That soft skin. Those baby noises. Pushing the stroller. Taking photographs. Dressing her up. Watching her with John. Just plain looking at her. I want it with Kathlyn. I want to be doing this the second time around. I want to be a seasoned pro at the newborn thing and be learning the toddler thing. A question that's also come up recently is "how many children do you want?" when we talk about having more. (not quite as hard as the ever popular "how many children do you have?" that comes from complete strangers). I've always been the kind of person who would love to have a lot of children.. my dad was one of seven. But now, really, I would give anything to just have the two I already had. My Kathlyn and my Glory. With a cherry on top.
.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
made it to february!
after posting these 5 status updates on facebook in a row early this morning... i made a long note after the day was through so i figured i should update here too... i have neglected this blog so much :(
appointment at 10:30. been awake since 5.
pray for dr. F today because im a total basketcase right now.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF BABIES ARE BORN ALIVE AND HEALTHY.
aren't they?! :/
God please wrap your arms around me.. and Glory.. and John.. and my OB. please.. calm my heart and mind. being a basketcase is so exhausting.
===================================================================================
first of all, thank you to everyone who messaged me today in response to my little meltdown of text messages to facebook this morning. i get a lot of messages, texts, and calls every day but today there were more than usual and i appreciate that so much. i am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the extra friendships and attention i have gotten over the past year and a half. when i just typed "a good way" at first i typoed "a god way" and I dont think that was a coincidence. God is at work in my life and He gives me little things that help me get through. now i'm just waiting for THE BIG THING... my long awaited Glory. i've been pregnant since 2008. isn't it time?!
those 4 agonizing hours i spent awake early this morning were with God.. I've resorted to just begging.. it goes around and around and around... please let me keep her.. don't You want me to be happy now?! what good will i be if she dies too.. i will spend the rest of my life kicking and screaming on the floor because if i can't be a mother i dont want to be anything... why God, why would you make me the person who loves children so much if i wasnt meant to have any of my own, why?! then i just feel like i'm bargaining with Him, or threatening Him somehow, let me keep her or else.. and who am i to threaten Him? i know He's not intimidated by me, but im afraid He thinks I dont trust Him and so I dont deserve her. what a terrible thing to think! I trust Him... but I think trusting Him only means knowing that He'll always be there.. not necessarily that we'll get what we want. last week i emailed someone when i was having a really hard time with this, someone who i consider to be one of the most faithful Christians I know, well-read on the bible, very kind and wise and she told me when I'm afraid, to read Psalms... and it helps.. it really does. those writers are just crying and pleading and begging too and together we find comfort, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years apart... it's the same God. I read Psalm 30 every day now -- God has restored my health and rescued me from death.. got me through 2010 and into a healthy pregnancy... weeping lasts for the night, but morning will come, and my mourning turns into joy.
i've told the horror story so many times... Kathlyn had a healthy NST on July 28, 2009, and then died out of the blue on July 30. this makes it nearly impossible for healthy reports from the doctor to reassure me for longer than a few hours afterwards. i remember just after it happened, Dr. F (or one of them... but i think it was him) saying it's extremely unusual to lose a baby within a week of a healthy NST. something drastic must have happened... something that killed her instantly. or, she just died for no reason. just like that. alive one second, dead the next. there is no way to predict or prevent drastic or reasonless deaths. i knew that very day, july 30, 2009, that i wanted something to be wrong with my sweet girl. somethig wrong with her heart or an infection or a big, huge, ugly, nasty, obvious knot in that cord. when i saw blood coming from her nose, i asked if something was wrong with her brain. (a ridiculous question, but i was in shock to say the least). if there was something wrong, we could rule it out this time. nothing wrong with Glory's heart, or cord, or brain, or any of her organs. but nothing wrong with kathlyn's either?! where is my reassurance?! there is none. i'm riding solely on faith... and as i went in circles with God early this morning and as i do most days... forgive me my loving God, but it's not enough and fear is winning. they tell you as a pregnant woman if you "feel like something is wrong" to tell someone.. use your instinct. but I told Dr. F today that my instinct is so clouded by what happened in the past, something i cant get over. what if my instinct is telling me something is wrong and im ignoring it?! i cried my eyes out about this during my appointment, but they just cant justify an amnio to check lungs and an elective 35 week delivery on a healthy baby.. her NST was picture perfect and could not have been more reactive. she's doing just what she's supposed to do. the definite reassuring part is that it looks like my stress is not affecting her... her heart is healthy even when mine is breaking and my mind is overcome with fear. and when i asked God to calm me, i know He did.. because when I was in bed, i know my BP was through the roof, i was short of breath with a horrible dizzy headache.. but at the appointment my BP was 118/72 and absolutely no cause for concern. i think a high BP and nonreactive NST, although might buy me an earlier delivery, would also frighten me to the core... so i am very, very careful not to wish for that. she's healthy and i want it to stay that way.. i want to have her while it's that way! i want to have her before she dies. and when i'm in a rational state of mind, i dont want to to have a preterm baby either because that puts her at risk for a whole new set of extra problems. just please, please God, keep me healthy and calm and keep that baby healthy and alive inside me. i also have to remember, i keep saying, "i want to have her early while i know she's alive!", early meaning NOW... but i AM having her early... 37 and a half weeks... which is 2 weeks away. i made it to february. and they're letting me come twice this week for extra reassurance and another ultrasound! (they said my fluid was borderline high last time... something they kept from me, im sure because there was no reason for me to worry extra over that, but still, yikes, every little thing is scary). so i get to look forward to seeing that beautiful face and seeing and hearing that beautiful healthy heart.
thank you hearing and seeing a piece of my beautiful broken healing heart too.
.
appointment at 10:30. been awake since 5.
pray for dr. F today because im a total basketcase right now.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF BABIES ARE BORN ALIVE AND HEALTHY.
aren't they?! :/
God please wrap your arms around me.. and Glory.. and John.. and my OB. please.. calm my heart and mind. being a basketcase is so exhausting.
===================================================================================
first of all, thank you to everyone who messaged me today in response to my little meltdown of text messages to facebook this morning. i get a lot of messages, texts, and calls every day but today there were more than usual and i appreciate that so much. i am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the extra friendships and attention i have gotten over the past year and a half. when i just typed "a good way" at first i typoed "a god way" and I dont think that was a coincidence. God is at work in my life and He gives me little things that help me get through. now i'm just waiting for THE BIG THING... my long awaited Glory. i've been pregnant since 2008. isn't it time?!
those 4 agonizing hours i spent awake early this morning were with God.. I've resorted to just begging.. it goes around and around and around... please let me keep her.. don't You want me to be happy now?! what good will i be if she dies too.. i will spend the rest of my life kicking and screaming on the floor because if i can't be a mother i dont want to be anything... why God, why would you make me the person who loves children so much if i wasnt meant to have any of my own, why?! then i just feel like i'm bargaining with Him, or threatening Him somehow, let me keep her or else.. and who am i to threaten Him? i know He's not intimidated by me, but im afraid He thinks I dont trust Him and so I dont deserve her. what a terrible thing to think! I trust Him... but I think trusting Him only means knowing that He'll always be there.. not necessarily that we'll get what we want. last week i emailed someone when i was having a really hard time with this, someone who i consider to be one of the most faithful Christians I know, well-read on the bible, very kind and wise and she told me when I'm afraid, to read Psalms... and it helps.. it really does. those writers are just crying and pleading and begging too and together we find comfort, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years apart... it's the same God. I read Psalm 30 every day now -- God has restored my health and rescued me from death.. got me through 2010 and into a healthy pregnancy... weeping lasts for the night, but morning will come, and my mourning turns into joy.
i've told the horror story so many times... Kathlyn had a healthy NST on July 28, 2009, and then died out of the blue on July 30. this makes it nearly impossible for healthy reports from the doctor to reassure me for longer than a few hours afterwards. i remember just after it happened, Dr. F (or one of them... but i think it was him) saying it's extremely unusual to lose a baby within a week of a healthy NST. something drastic must have happened... something that killed her instantly. or, she just died for no reason. just like that. alive one second, dead the next. there is no way to predict or prevent drastic or reasonless deaths. i knew that very day, july 30, 2009, that i wanted something to be wrong with my sweet girl. somethig wrong with her heart or an infection or a big, huge, ugly, nasty, obvious knot in that cord. when i saw blood coming from her nose, i asked if something was wrong with her brain. (a ridiculous question, but i was in shock to say the least). if there was something wrong, we could rule it out this time. nothing wrong with Glory's heart, or cord, or brain, or any of her organs. but nothing wrong with kathlyn's either?! where is my reassurance?! there is none. i'm riding solely on faith... and as i went in circles with God early this morning and as i do most days... forgive me my loving God, but it's not enough and fear is winning. they tell you as a pregnant woman if you "feel like something is wrong" to tell someone.. use your instinct. but I told Dr. F today that my instinct is so clouded by what happened in the past, something i cant get over. what if my instinct is telling me something is wrong and im ignoring it?! i cried my eyes out about this during my appointment, but they just cant justify an amnio to check lungs and an elective 35 week delivery on a healthy baby.. her NST was picture perfect and could not have been more reactive. she's doing just what she's supposed to do. the definite reassuring part is that it looks like my stress is not affecting her... her heart is healthy even when mine is breaking and my mind is overcome with fear. and when i asked God to calm me, i know He did.. because when I was in bed, i know my BP was through the roof, i was short of breath with a horrible dizzy headache.. but at the appointment my BP was 118/72 and absolutely no cause for concern. i think a high BP and nonreactive NST, although might buy me an earlier delivery, would also frighten me to the core... so i am very, very careful not to wish for that. she's healthy and i want it to stay that way.. i want to have her while it's that way! i want to have her before she dies. and when i'm in a rational state of mind, i dont want to to have a preterm baby either because that puts her at risk for a whole new set of extra problems. just please, please God, keep me healthy and calm and keep that baby healthy and alive inside me. i also have to remember, i keep saying, "i want to have her early while i know she's alive!", early meaning NOW... but i AM having her early... 37 and a half weeks... which is 2 weeks away. i made it to february. and they're letting me come twice this week for extra reassurance and another ultrasound! (they said my fluid was borderline high last time... something they kept from me, im sure because there was no reason for me to worry extra over that, but still, yikes, every little thing is scary). so i get to look forward to seeing that beautiful face and seeing and hearing that beautiful healthy heart.
thank you hearing and seeing a piece of my beautiful broken healing heart too.
.
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