my heartbreak on top...

I have been awake for 29 hours. I really have no idea what is keeping me from completely falling out right now. I think it's because I know when I put down the computer, I will be alone.

Please don't be alarmed. I am safe in this house. Just heartbroken, ripped from the inside by the emotional pieces. It's a familiar feeling, but that doesn't make it any less raw.

I had a peaceful night working in the NICU. I held a sweet baby girl and smiled instead of cried for what might have been. She slept comfortably swaddled on me for a long time.

I was asked to go to employee health after my shift since I missed so many days in a row. I had to have paperwork signed by my manager and one of the CEOs, approving yet another leave of absence. My medical leave was exhausted as maternity leave last fall, now my manager allows me to take the time off as personal leave. I am blessed that he allows me to do this. I've lost so much; I dont want to lose my job too, holding those babies, making them feel better, making me feel better.

I met with my counselor at Kindermourn after employee health. She wants to see me at minimum once a week, and gave me every phone number she has. She will meet me at the office at any hour of any day if I need her to. She knows she doesn't work a 9 to 5. She's always on duty. She will not rest until I am "out of this" (her words).

I went back to work to have my papers signed and to catch up with one of the assistant managers and one of my coworkers. They listened. I crave that. Tell me you are heartbroken with me. I need to hear it outloud.

I drove home in a daze, the bright sunlight somehow not squinting me into sleep on the highway.

A message from the doctor waiting for me when I got home. A nurse, not the one I know best, but the one who needs to take some ativan herself, told me that the pathology was normal. It was halfway official: my baby, yet again, died for no reason. I braced for the news of the gender of my precious baby.. this is it.. alone, without John, I was about to find out. But the news wasnt available. I asked her to please ensure that the chromosomes were sent as well so I could find out later. Chromosomes tell us if we need to be tested for anything, along with the gender of our sweet little cherry.

Still awake. Waiting for the call back. Organizing Kathlyn's Walk on Saturday. Honoring my baby keeps me going.

I got the call back, this time from the nurse I'm comfortable with. There wasn't enough tissue to send for chromosomes.

There is no limit to how many times my heart can shatter.

We had decided not to name the baby when we found out, but I still wanted to know.

I know though, I know it was a girl. I know she was healthy. I know she died, just like her sister, for no reason in particular. Just the wrong end of the odds, an unsafe place, once again.

I wanted to be told though, I wanted the medical proof that her chromosomes were normal and that we could proceed into loving and creating and planning for our third child without any increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. No more tests. No more statistics, no more risk factors.

I wanted to hear, "it's a girl."

I know in my heart, this was another daughter, and that will have to be enough. It's never enough, never ever will be enough.

My sweet little girls, I'm so sorry. I am suffering so much, but you will never have to. I'm doing two extra lifetimes worth of suffering, just for you. Take good care of each other. Sleep tight and wait for me. My little cherry on top, I'm so sorry I didn't get to know you better. I loved you, I wanted you, I grieve for you, don't you ever think that I'm only grieving your big sissy... you have a special place in my heart too. There are tears shed just for you, tears for Kathlyn, and tears for both of you together, and my poor broken and overeducated heart can tell which are which.

There are so many broken hearts out there too, little one, broken hearts that prayed for hours over you, broken hearts who smile and think of you when they see cherries now.

for cherry baby

once again... I have never felt so much pain, sorrow, regret, love, and gratitude all at the same time...

For Cherry Baby

<3

it's over.

See you Tuesday, little cherry!

Keep growing.. I need you, baby.

Love you forever,
Mommy

second baby's first ultrasound

Photos here.


I have been looking forward to today for 3 weeks... well actually... for 8 months. But 3 weeks since the appointment was made I was counting the days. The ultrasound tech and room were both different from when we lost Kathlyn, but I know that tech remembers me too. She was training the new one. (The one who delivered the news no one should ever have to hear, doesnt work there anymore.) Despite the fact that she was training, she said absolutely nothing the entire actual scan. I was shaking so hard the tissue paper under me was rattling.

Last year, at my first ultrasound, I was 6 weeks, she zoomed right in on the baby, and immediately the heartbeat, which was 110. She said "that's good, that will go up." She measured the baby, labeled her as "baby" and differentiated the yolk sac.

This time, I saw a perfect circle, but she grazed right over it and measured my ovaries about 4 times each. I was sure the baby was dead. Why focus on the ovaries unless you were wondering what went wrong. She zoomed back in on the baby, zoomed in again, and again, and again, as if she was looking for something more that just the sac, and it felt like a million years until I saw the heartbeat. She clicked on "early gestation." then she clicked on "HR" (heartrate) and the little EKG strip appeared at the bottom for her to measure the beats. (The strip I so desperately looked for on July 30, 11am, with Kathlyn, and never saw.) The first measure was 86.

Fuck.

The second measure, 94. She stopped the ultrasound, I say again, after absolutely NO words of reassurance, because she had none.

She printed the pictures, didn't give me one, and said "the baby is measuring behind and the heartbeat is low... so we'll see what the doctor says." I hugged John and he tried to tell me not to panic. We went into the next room and I burst into tears and laid down, thinking WHY?! WHY GOD?! WHY AGAIN!? HAVENT I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ADVERSITY?! WHY CANT IT JUST BE OK THIS TIME?! I was so sad I didn't get a picture and was thinking the worst must be about to happen; but not that I'm not used to having pictures of my dead child all over the house already. I still want a picture if the baby dies!

I know Dr. Finlon was seeing everyone else so he could see me last like they always do. He came in, shook John's hand, and gave me a hug, and handed me my picture, which is a blob but it's MY blob and I'm in love with it. He said "we know this is going to be a rollercoaster the whole time." He told me he wasnt blowing smoke, that he acknowledges and understands the anxiety, but that it's just that I'm 6 weeks instead of 7, the heartrate should be over 100 but we're close, and the shape and size look normal. (sometimes the sac or baby can look "distorted" or something.) He just expects to see one week normal growth next week when I have another scan, and at that time we'll set the accurate due date based on the two scans. He said he won't lie or give false hope, that I have the same 15-20% miscarrage risk that everyone has. My "unfortunate obstetric history" doesnt raise my risk for miscarriage, and miscarriage and stillbirth happen for different reasons (most of which are unknown.) I forgot to ask if my HCG or progesterone should or could be redrawn to make sure they're in the right direction, and I forgot to get my pap that was due. I think he just knew I'd been through enough and we can do it next week. A pap smear! Just what I want for my 30th birthday! I will take 1000 pap smears every birthday for the rest of my life, over a miscarriage. I also forgot most of my questions, the only one I remembered was the stupid "ask a doctor before taking these PRENATAL vitamins if you are pregnant." Of course, it's fine.

Part of the problem with the tech, was that based on my last period, I was due Oct 31, so she looked at that and saw that I should be 9 weeks, and saw this tiny 6 week size baby. She didnt know what we and the doctors already know... that we know that's inaccurate because we know I ovulated much later than that.

So That's part of why she scared me and was so quiet... because SHE was probably scared too.


I told him I was impressed the other day when I called with a question, and one of the doctors I dont know as well was the one to answer, but she made it clear that she was familiar with my case right away. I am so attached to my favorite two or three doctors, and I told him that, but that I was happy to see was familiar with my case too, and he said "they all are." It's a huge practice... so that is very good to know. When scheduling my next appointment, he wrote a request for me to see him or the other favorite specifically. Last time, I just saw whoever was on. It's comforting to know they'll let me see who I want, but also that I'm in good hands with the others too.

Such an emotional day... but what else is new...

Keep growing my little cherry... Mommy loves you so much!

time away

We had a nice time in Charleston this weekend. It's nice to get away from work, the house, the chores, and spend some quality time with our friends and our faith. For the first time in 8 months, I did not resent the sun. I found on the way home though, as it poured rain, for that to be comforting too.

I honestly think if I wasnt pregnant, I would not have enjoyed myself. At all. Because Charleston on the Church Marriage Retreat was constant reminders of my pregnancy last year. This was supposed to be the first time we left Kathlyn overnight. If I had no prospects of that hope again, I would have been devastated. I "announced" my pregnancy, again like last year, as we went around the room to introduce ourselves, even though in that church, my story pretty much preceeds me. Regardless, I got a round of applause. My pastor told me when I saw him again today that I have more people praying for me than maybe he's known anyone to ever be prayed for, and that means a lot coming from such a popular pastor.

It was very different to have just the adults in my church and none of the babies. I love those babies from the bottom of my broken heart... to not have them there feels very strange. I would say part of me was relieved... it wasnt just babies everywhere and a reminder that mine is missing while the others are being fawned over and passed around (by me included, I love to hold them too). But then again, it's a horrible reminder that she's missing, when they're ALL missing. What would it be like without any of them? It would be nice for maybe a day to just be the adults, but it's just not the same. It's so much more terrible than it is a relief... LIFE IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT THE BABIES.

This is the life I have ahead of me. I missed those three baby girls, someone else's children, over one weekend; imagine the emptiness in my heart every day for as long as I live, without my own flesh and blood.

What's it going to be like, when I have one of my own (pretty please!??!?!), and yet one is still missing. It's as they all say, the baby-bereaved: Life is just full of sad-happy moments. So is the joy to finally raise a crying, hungry, pooping, living child, and yet a minutely reminder of what was missed the first time around.

I am waiting impatiently for... well, pretty much every milestone in pregnancy. I want to see my baby's heartbeat, even though I'm quite sure it will be the same room where I saw my first baby's heart, but not beating. I want to know what the gender is. I want to know that it's healthy. I want to see the belly growing. I want to feel this baby kick, and kick, and kick, and always kick so I never have to wonder if it's alive. This baby has already been named (not telling), although pending approval from Daddy on the new girl's name. We had a name picked out, quite a lovely one, but a movie coming out soon, the star will be named the gorgeous, exotic, never-heard name that I had picked out for the middle. I wanted it to be something no one had ever known anyone with that name... now it's gonna be "oooohhh! after the girl in that movie!!!" Actually, no. And that's part of the reason we're not telling the name ahead of time, because I got too many unsolicited opinions on my names. I want to do some of the things differently this time... so the name will just be between us.

I have pictures to show, and a sweet story about writing Kathlyn's name in the sand in Charleston, but uploading is a pain and I don't feel like it right now. I'm too busy being worried.

counting

8 more sleeps until I see my new baby. 217 or less until I hold her. i do not know the countdown to seeing my first baby, and i never will until the countdown's over.