rummaging

i went through my attic today. twice. because the first time, glory was not allowing me to put her down :) i love it when i can't do something (not being sarcastic!) because my baby needs me. i have waited my whole life for that. so the second time i went through the attic was just now, at 5am. she does let me put her down to sleep, but that's about the only time.

among various other vintage 80s toys (the ORIGINAL care bears, ponies, and rainbow brite), term papers and flashcards and notes and photos from high school (we were so unnecessarily dramatic over absolutely nothing), i found the following: ticket stub from the roof of the World Trade Center, a keychain that says "I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time" (made me laugh!), the shoe and sock i was wearing when my foot got run over by a car, my retainer (nasty!), and a little family history book my grandma wrote for me, that I'm going to read to her when I visit in October. i did NOT find what i was looking for.. a small metal license plate for a child's bike that says "i brake for smurfs" lol. how vintage! i know it's up there somewhere! i might break down and buy it on ebay for $2 to $10. it's so classic. apparently it came from a cereal box. i really wanted to put it in the back of my car while the smurfs movie is popular right now. we had 2 or 3 different ones, but that one was my favorite. whatever, i know at least half of you are looking it up on ebay right now.

i also found some of my books from when i was a baby/young child that i set aside for glory... after being properly cleaned, of course. and i was thinking the whole time i was going through these boxes how much fun glory will have when i let her go through them. i'm going to try my best not to go through them again until then, because if you go through that stuff too often, you just know what's in there and it's not exciting to find it all again. but everything, and i mean everything, that i get excited about for glory also gets clouded with missing kathlyn and how much fun she would have had, all 3 of us would have had, doing it together. kathlyn is in heaven. and none of us can fathom what that's like. but isn't quality time with mommy and sister a little piece of heaven too? how come she couldnt have both? she should have been able to come here and do this part first, then get the glory of heaven after she lived her life like the rest of us. i miss her so much. and it's not that glory falls short in any category at all. i am happier with her than i've ever been in my life, and that is a groundbreaking statement considering the 18 months of utter misery i had before her arrival. going from far beyond rock bottom to absolute blissful cherry on top.. it's exhausting.

as i was rummaging through all these things i found a little trinket that my brother gave me for christmas when i was about 4 or 5. he bought it with his own money from the christmas fair at school. (i have an awesome memory, yes). it's a little girl on a keychain and it says "super sister."

i always wanted a sister. my best friend growing up had two sisters and i just had two mean older brothers. i also loved babies, and i was the youngest, so i never got to play with a baby sibling either. i have been telling john that i would really like to have another girl.. a sister for glory. one that she gets to grow up with, because it's not fair. people have said that it won't hurt glory, she never knew kathlyn so she won't grieve her. but i know what it's like to long for a sister. except really, i never had one, so i never lost one. glory has one, one that she'll never know. one that she'll long for. that's not to say that if we have another girl, all will be well and right in the world, because then kathlyn and glory and the new baby will miss the experience of having TWO sisters each. but i still want it for glory. i'm getting to raise a daughter like i always wanted and i know i'm so blessed for that. so i want that super sister for glory. i put the little girl back in that box for us to rummage back out in a few years. even if we don't have anymore children, glory will know she's a super sister already. i'm scratching my head right now as why i put it back in the box. i think maybe it belongs in her room.