Our Blessings

Friday, December 17, 2010

other updates

I'm realizing as I read through my old posts that I've been terrible about updating this blog..

My heart monitor results were normal.. just regular pregnancy stuff, rather than a heart issue or arrythmia. I'm seeing the cardio again on Dec 30 for follow up.

I'm going to have U/S's every 4 weeks to check fluid and growth.. so far, so good! The next one is Dec 28.

My doctor is going to schedule my c-section for 37 weeks. (The last day we knew Kathlyn was ok was at 38 +3... so I'm NOT going to 38...way too close for comfort). Starting at 32, I'll have weekly scheduled NSTs... the baby will be born in mid-February.

As proven last night, I can go in extra whenever I'm worried for more NSTs and checks.

Slowly.. getting there...

how it's gonna be..

I know this was to be expected.. everyone did. The nurses at my OB office have said they are surprised actually how *little* I've called so far. It's because of the doppler... anytime I needed reassurance that the baby was ok, that she was alive, I just used the doppler. Otherwise, I bet I would have been in there twice a week the entire first 24 weeks.

When she finally started kicking, I was constantly praising how often and strong her kicks are.. she kicks so much more often than Kathlyn ever did.. it makes me feel so guilty.. what if something was wrong with Kathlyn the whole time.. what if she was just weak? I didn't know.. I have nothing to compare it too. I didn't know.. I just didn't know.. would have done anything to save her... I didn't know she needed saving. I cried over this many times.. so happy that Glory's kicks seem so healthy but in so much regret for my precious firstborn. I saw Dr. F on Tuesday and he said every baby is different and I should NOT feel guilty over it... all Kathlyn's tests and checks were normal. She WAS a strong healthy baby.. we just dont know what happened at the end.. a horrible, unfathomable tragedy that strikes many full term babies.

So how exactly are all these reports that Glory is "strong, perfect, and looks great" supposed to reassure me? Kathlyn looked that way too. This is why I actually wanted her to have a defect or disease.. something we can rule out with Glory and the rest of my children. Not just "she was fine, and then died for no reason at full term." Fuck. YES, that merits a nasty curse word from a Christian woman. SHE DIED FOR NO REASON - FUCK!

2 days ago, I had to start eating my words about Glory being a good kicker. Normally, when I'm in the middle of something, and realize she hasnt kicked in awhile, if I lay down on my left, she'll deliver. She's so good to me. If I'm already laying down or asleep, and I wake up and she's not kickng... if get up, move around, and then lay down again, she'll deliver. Wednesday night, I was addressing Christmas cards, stuffing envelopes, sticking stamps, and I realized how quiet she was. Laid down. Nothing. Poked her. Nothing. Walked around, got a drink, laid down again... one little flutter that was entirely unconvincing. (It also doesnt help that I could feel Kathlyn kicking after we knew she had died.) Doppler to the rescue... HB 130s 140s.. She hates that thing.. it makes her kick and she turns away from it. My poor sweetheart has been subjected to that thing since she was 10 weeks old. I try not to use it now that she's kicking and I know she dosnt like it. So I tried to do a kick count.. 3 kicks in 20 minutes.. good average.. and I fell asleep before I could finish.

Thursday morning I got my glucose and bloodwork results.. everything was normal except my platelets are low... it's because I take aspirin in case i had a clot in my cord and that's what happened to Kathlyn. Will repeat before delivery and probably have to come off the aspirin. ugh.. how do we avoid a clot close to full term if I dont have the aspirin on board? Stressful. All of this. But anyone having surgery has to come off anti-coags before hand...so I figured that might happen anyway.

I got a great kick count in then.. 9 kicks in 15 minutes when I got that call about the bloodwork. I went back to bed beacuse I was supposed to work Thursday night. Woke up at 3pm.. nothing. Quiet. Still. Even after getting up for a drink. Come on baby... please?! Doppler again.. HB 130s-150s.. kicking at it as usual. I called a friend for reassurance. but she still thught I should go in. It's not just "oh she kicked once, she's ok now. It's a serious pattern change over less than 2 days. Except that I NEED my hours at work.. I need a certain amount in order to earn my full maternity leave. But at what cost? What if I go to work, and she's NOT ok?! My "maternity leave", again, wont be maternal at all.. so I called the office and the instant I say she's not kicking... the nurse doesnt even ask the doctor... with my history.. it's straight to the hospital. Good! I deserve that attention!

As soon as they strap the NST monitor around me, she goes nuts. Of course! Make a liar out of me. But it's such a musical sound.. kicks so hard that you cant even hear the heartbeat over them when she does it ... sweet sweet relief. So as we're talking and waiting for the doctor, in normal fashion, she squirms away from the monitor because she hates it as much as the doppler. So they were trying to find her heartbeat... FUN MEMORIES. Can't find it anywhere... praise God she was kicking... I dont do well with the whole monitor-searchng-for-heartbeat process. Done it twice and that as two times too many. They could hear the placenta too though, (which they couldnt with Kathlyn.. another sure sign it was over.) So the doctor came in and felt around for her, couldnt tell exactly where she was, so he did an ultrasound. SHE'S BREECH NOW. UGH!!!! She was so perfectly head down at 26 weeks. It doesnt matter at all for delivery that she's breech... I'm havng a section regardless.. and since she's moved, thats why we had such a drastic change in movement... we could see her legs kickng into the aminotic fluid, and I couldnt feel it, because sh's not kicking the uterus. Maybe thats why I couldnt feel Kathlyn as much, because she was breech too. So much for my strong frequent kicks from Glory.. they were so reassuring :( So the doctor was saying that she looks great, she's very active, what we got on the NST was perfect, plenty of fluid, all a good report. He said 1/3 of babies are breech at this point. I asked if breech babies are more likely to be stillborn.. more likely to compress the cord.. it's just so hard since we dont have a reason, I feel like Kathlyn maybe laid on her cord? Or tried to flip and cut off circulation? He said, emphatically, no, it's not more likely for stillbirth, but he knows he cant convince me and he kinda wishes I didnt know she was breech then :-/ He also said she could still turn back. After he left the room, I cried and said "I dont want her to be breech, I dont want her flipping back and forth, she's going to get tangled in her cord" and the nurse said "no she's not!"

Kathlyn, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. And Glory, I'm sorry too, that I'm a worried and overprotective mother. I love you both so much.

I have to hand it to those nurses, again. I saw a lot of them (I was there on shift change) and at least a few of them remember me.. they were saying "dont feel bad, you did the right thing, come in any time, better safe than sorry, we're 24 hours, we understand, etc etc." One of them said "see you when it's time!" and I said "no, I think you'll see me a few times before then" and we both laughed, and she said "and that's ok!"

8 weeks to go... let's try for less than 8 hospital trips, eh?

Written on Nov 30th

I know everyone is anxiously awaiting to hear our new baby's name... there are a few things I've been wanting to write about first, but I don't know if that will be futile and everyone will just skip to the end where the name is.. especially since there is a picture :)

Tomorrow I'm having another ultrasound.. my first "growth scan". This is the 4th or so visit since, but first ultrasound since I had the big 18 week anatomy scan where we found out she's a she :) This was a relief for me.. not because I didnt want a boy.. I would have loved my son with all that I am.. but I was so afraid of the task of taking down Kathlyn's things.. her bedding, wall decor, curtains, and packing up her clothing like it's not needed and not loved anymore.

Today I did some nesting and turns out, it's still hard. We took down the "K D" from above her crib and put the new baby's name up. I took the nameplate off the door and put the new baby's nameplate up there too (though there is still a Kathlyn Painting perched above the doorframe, where it will stay forever and ever Amen.) The holes from the K D are still there, of course, and we dont have any more of the yellow paint to cover them, so it makes John not want to move them. He also meticulously put them up there over 18 months ago, and with his hardwood floor project coming up, he doesn want to make NEW holes on a DIFFERENT part of the wall for a "Kathlyn's Wall Area" of sorts. But you can't have it say "K D" over the new baby's crib. So do you move the crib altogether? Should it be in a new place for a new baby anyway? Am I dissing Kathlyn by moving her stuff, or dissing birdie by not making it her own? UGH. It's frustrating and sad.. I said to John in my frustration "why did our baby have to die?" Changes to her untouched and unseen nursery is yet another part of the cruel reality. John was busy trying to figure out how to hang everything. I made a sniffling sound, just because I'm a little congested. He looked back to see if I was crying. I wasnt. Not on the outside. But on the inside, I was. On the inside, I always am. Always. It's just a matter of when it physically comes out, which is less often than it used to be, but still every day. Usually when I'm alone and just quietly for a minute. But just because the physical sobs are less often, doesnt mean it hurts any less. I still need the thoughts and prayers. I still need you to ask about Kathlyn. I still need to hear her name. She still counts. She absolutely cannot be erased just because her sister is almost here. I’m going to talk about her as often as I want, and dare not be the person who thinks my new baby will be overshadowed by her memory. They are both my daughters!

John and I traveled for Thanksgiving and I knew the whole time I would be imagining what it would be like to be traveling with a toddler and how tired I’d be but how much everyone would fawn over her. I didn’t get to show her off to John’s side of the family the way I wanted to. So I brought her memorial baby book and some pictures and I wore her photo necklace so she could be close to my heart. Everyone was so sweet and just loved looking at the book and many of them read it from front to back and cried. It means so much to me when people do that. I can’t be the one who cries ALL the time… it’s so tiring.. I need some to bear some of the burden and cry for me sometimes… and these people, though family, hardly know me or my daughter and still cried for us. It was very comforting.

Thanksgiving Day though.. that physical display of emotional holiday tears came at the absolute worst time it possibly could have… right as we were serving ourselves buffet style and about to sit at the table.. And when I say “the table” I mean 4 tables full of adults.. I was powerless to dam up the impending flood of tears. I could feel it building for about an hour, so I went and sat quietly by myself for a few minutes to just relax in a rocking chair and feel my sweet rainbow kicking… but there were so many people, I wasn’t alone for long and everyone was full of holiday cheer to be reuniting around family and I was the big Thanksgiving Grinch, though hiding it well. ~ I want my baby! It’s not fair! No one got to meet her! She would have been afraid of everyone at first and terrifed clinging all over me, but would have warmed up eventually! I hate this! I want her! ~ So when it was time and I got up to fix my plate, I thought I would calm down, but I could barely compose myself while serving up turkey and cranberry and stuffing and bread and cheese dip. I sat at the table next to John, leaned away from everyone and towards his ear and said “I’m sorry this is coming now, I can’t help it, why now?? I’m sorry” and I got up and fled for the back hallway and rooms. I don’t know if he said anything before leaving the table, probably not, but he left our plates and dutifully followed me, which honestly I wasn’t sure he would do. He wanted to know what happened, what brought this on… NOTHING. Nothing new. It’s a holiday and my baby has died. I want her back and my heart is broken. He was so sweet and gentle; I thought he’d be frustrated with me, but he wasn’t. He did want me to try to focus on family and our blessings and especially our biggest blessing kicking about and growing inside me in the secluded darkness of that very hallway that very minute as we grieved. She is our hope, our joy, but she doesn’t replace my Kathlyn. I just needed to cry for her. And I needed to hear John say that he was sad too.. He said of course he was. And I said “I just need to hear it.. I can’t do this alone, I can’t be the only one who’s sad.” He said he just CAN’T dwell on it.. Or else he’ll be a mess of tears too.. And that he “can’t be the only one who’s happy.” So together, we press on. Happy and sad together. Back to our cold, waiting food plates. I warmed mine back up in the microwave, and John held my hand at the table. On Sunday, he felt the baby kick for the first time. Together… we do it together. I could not do this without him.

Together, we could not have done this without our supportive family and friends and church and without our God. God has gotten us through this. God has gotten me through this. God has helped John help me get through this. All the glory to Him…

And so we are naming our precious new baby Glory Joy Davis, after our wonderful God, and after her beautiful sister. Without God, we’d have neither of them. They are His for eternity.. The strongest prayers of my life are thanking Him for saving my Kathlyn, and thanking, BEGGING Him, to let me take care of Glory.. But she’s still His. His Glory, my Glory, our Glory.

the dragonfly didn't move from above the crib.. the K and the D will be elsewhere in the room..

Saturday, November 20, 2010

sweet cherries

Cherry Baby's due date today :,( love you forever babygirl.. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.. Big sissy will take care of you until I get there.. be sweet to each other.. You're still mine.

I've been having a lot of dizziness and palpitations lately.. I had a scary one at work.. I was just walking and I coughed and I started to go black :/ I guess the cough was a vagal response... and it's all probably because I need to drink more water all the time, and eat more at work... but work is so busy, I barely have time to sit down, eat, even go to the bathroom. would have been nice if I had a chance in 13 horus to even take my own blood pressure.. I kinda see 8hour shifts in my future... so anyway.. I barged straight into my OB after work that day without an appointment.. haha... BP was ok.. higher than usual for me but within normal limits. and my hemoglobin was ok too.. but since I have the palpitations almost every day, they asked me to see a cardiologist. so I did that yesterday.. and he said everything sounds fine.. but i'm wearing a 24 hour event monitor right now to see if there are any problems during an actual event... so, fingers crossed it's nothing... and DRINK MORE WATER!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


i wish my life wasn't ruined. point blank. i wish my life wasn't ruined.

don't take this to mean i dont recognize my blessings, because i do. i have one of the most wonderful husbands a woman could ask for. my mother is one of my best friends and always has been... we've never had "rough patches" or anything, and i'm also very close to my brothers and we were all the center of my dad's world before he died. i had basically a picture perfect childhood. i even feel very close to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins even though some of them i saw less than once a year. they're all just a group of very compassionate, loving, and fun people to be around.

but in 2009, my life was ruined. with all those other close relationships, all i ever wanted was a daughter. (and what depresses me on top of that, was that my mom had the picture perfect life and young motherhood, only for the 2nd half of her life... her retirement with her wonderful husband and grandchildren... also to be ruined when my father died.)

i am so in love with my new baby. i dreamed last night that i thought she was dead, and i was screaming and screaming.. i just screamed for days and no one could handle it.. people were abandoning me because i was beyond help... and then someone brought me an ultrasound machine and there she was... alive and moving, and she looked just like my baby pictures. such a relief. i live that every day... screaming inside at the thought of losing her... and then sweet relief with a swift kick or the doppler.

but it's still ruined. losing a firstborn just ruins everything. i never got that feeling where i can have a picture of myself and my husband and all my kids and just look at the picture and say "i'm so blessed!" i can still feel blessed, and i do... i feel blessed just *knowing God* .. but it will always be that picture "i'm so blessed.. BUT..." But Kathlyn isnt here. how can it ever be ok without her?! i wanted "I'm so blessed" period, point blank. no buts. it's ruined now. ruined until my life is over and i'm in heaven.. then it will be "ok." basically then i feel like my life is already over, because it can never be ok here. i sitll have a lot more i wanna do before i die... well no, not a lot more actually. i just want to raise a child. there's nothing more i want. i've done everything else. i have a husband, job, and family that i love and get a lot out of. the cherries on top are my children.

i know so many of you who have lost your firstborns. i'm not saying it's less dificult if you lost a child somewhere else along the sibling line, and i'll probably get slammed for this, but at least you had a time in motherhood where you had all your children with you and it wasnt ruined and you werent a jaded mother at the time like i'm going to be. i feel sorry for Little G and i've had a ton of people... new friends, old friends, family, coworkers, and my therapist, to name a few... worried that my love for kathlyn will make her feel overshadowed and less loved and less worthy. my next children will think they can never live up to kathlyn, who was simply perfect and pure. it's such a fine line... i love and want all my children all the same... how do i express it so they dont get hurt? and so that i dont get hurt feelng like i've denied my katie-cat her proper place in the family? it's sibling rivalry at a whole other sickening level.

for those who have lost a newborn.. or any child really.. have you ever come to a point where you feel like your life isnt ruined? does it ever feel ok? can you feel blessed without the "buts" ?

sometimes i still can't believe this happened to me. i have lost a child, before i even knew what it was like to have one.

Monday, November 8, 2010

appointment updates

i had an appointmet on Nov 2 and there was nothing to report. which is good news :) my main concern was that im not feeling the baby kick very often yet. ive been feeling flutters since maybe 17 weeks... and at the appointment, i was 22, and hoping they would be consistent. i never felt flutters with kathlyn until 22 weeks... so it was at least sooner than that. but she was never very active and i think this baby wont be either. or maybe im just unlucky with my larger frame, i just cant feel kicks as much as a thinner person.

ive been buying WAYY too many clothes... i really didnt need anything at all. i had it all for kathlyn. but just a few things to make up for seasonal differences.. a february baby instead of a july baby.. but it goes beyond that. i have NO will power... i shouldnt be allowed to go into a mall for any reason!!

whenver i see a pregnant person buying things... or even my own friends having their showers... i think to myself, that's cute, but you know your baby could still die... dont assume. and now here i am.. buying things for my new baby when there's no guarantee. i'm so jaded. but i still wanted the new baby to have some of her own things too. she deserves it.

and i love her so much <3

next appointment with ultrasound/growth scan... Nov 30!! then two weeks after that, my glucose test.. then 2 weeks after that, i'll start weekly NSTs... getting closer!!! :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

rain for cherry

went to a craft fair the other morning after work. a pretty pink snowflake/snowman handmade quilt caught my eye.. thought it might be nice with our outside winter pregnancy photos in December.. also a scarf with the same pink snowman print.. after chatting with the sweet lady who made them, found out she lost a baby girl at the... end of her pregnancy over 20 yrs ago and pink sunsets make her cry :,) sweet, sweet coincidences.

I look to the outside right now as a downpour begins. I love the rain. the rain expects nothing from me, and are gloomy like me. sunny days I feel expected to go outside and enjoy them and comment on how nice the day is. I dont care for that. I prefer the pretty, calming, yet sometimes sad and angry rain.

my little cherry's due date is approaching and for whatever reason I had October 24th in my head as her delivery date. she was due Nov 20th, my mom's birthday. well, the doctor's had her written as Nov 21, but I changed it to the 20th to match my mom. so that would have made Oct 24th, 36 weeks and that is when I wanted to have her.

so yesterday, I couldnt help but think of my sweet second baby when I thought of the date. Oct 24, 2010.

it's so strange though, and I've said it a million times, I love my little birdie so much too, and she wouldnt exist if I had a baby yesterday. it's just a swirl of emotions that dont calculate. how could I not long for all 3 of my children?

so let it rain today for my little cherry baby, the baby I never got to know, but for the 3-4 weeks I was aware of her living existance, and wanted so badly.. the one and only ever you - you are loved.

Friday, October 15, 2010

history of loss

I have always known that I have numerous cousins who have been lost to miscarriage in the 70s and 80s. There were also at least two who were born later term, April and Alethea, who I believe both lived for a short time after birth. I am sad now that I never included them whenever I listed all my cousins on my dad's side (there are approximately 20). They count too.

I also always knew that my great grandfather, William (who my dad is named after), was a triplet, and that one triplet died. I dug a little deeper today, and I see that William, Anna, and Samuel were born on August 24, 1881. It was UNHEARD of to have triplets back then... my great-great grandparents James and Keziah were embarrased and felt like a circus. So when Samuel died, they just said they had twins, because it was "less weird" to have twins than triplets. Poor Samuel, and poor Mommy Keziah who felt ashamed to speak of her baby, and probably didn't have a proper funeral to heal some of her heartbreak. I REMEMBER SAMUEL TODAY, my great-great uncle.

I never ever knew though, that my great-grandfather William had a stillborn named Charles. This would have been my grandfather James' brother, my father's uncle, my great uncle. My grandfather James "Opa" was born in 1917, so it had to be around that time. My mother didn't know about this baby - he is not in our family history book, though Samuel is. I REMEMBER CHARLES TODAY, my great uncle.

My mother and I were just talking about this recently, it's ironic. Her father is an only child, but I said that I wondered if there were other babies anywhere who were stillborn or miscarried or died as infants that were just never ever spoken of. Maybe my mom had an uncle or cousin or great uncle somewhere on her side. Times were different then, babies died all the time (although I'll argue that they still do), but no one spoke of them like we do now. I have come to believe that probably 100% of women in history have miscarried at some point.. a lot just don't know it. And now here, a stillborn baby that was never spoken of, my Great Uncle Charles.

I pray that my great grandmother Eleanor and great great grandmother Keziah had grand, long awaited reunions with their babies upon their deaths.

<3 Baby Samuel <3 Baby Charles <3

October 15

Kathlyn Joy Davis, July 30, 2009, and my 2nd little cherry on top, carried lovingly under my heart until April 14, 2010. Missing my babies today on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, October 15, and every day.

This is where I'll be tonight...

for my wonderful friends who have allowed me to be weak, made me strong, cried with me, and made me smile.

Love to all the babies gone before us.. it's just too unbearable to even describe how it feels and so terrible how often it happens.

We will see them again..

Friday, October 8, 2010

little pink birdie

i'm so in love.

it's a girl. a sister. a daughter. a healthy baby with every organ of the right shape and size working as it should. she has a name, but we aren't sharing it yet. asking will not make me share it any faster. i will share when i am
ready <3 if you're curious, the boy's name would have been shane william davis. i still love it and hope i guess to use it later :)

i am so in love with this baby. i was thinking on the way home from the scan how much i really do. it's amazing to feel that strong love for kathlyn a second time. i never doubted that i would love all my children the same; i've heard a lot of people wonder how they could love more children as much as the first. i have never felt this before. such a strong love for two individuals at once. i love them both so much.

it doesnt come without guilt and ambivalence though. i never got to love my little cherry with this intensity. i loved her, i loved the idea of her, and i wanted her as badly as i want the other two, but i never got to see her looking and moving like a real baby. i never knew her. it feels so sad and unfair. but i truly believe i will know her someday.. all beause of the Glory of God. it's also very scary to love my lady-bird this much.. i can probably never reach a place where i'm convinced this isn't just too good to be true. will i really get to take her home? i just blindly assumed i would take kathlyn home. i can't do that now. this time with my new daughter is so beyond precious.

Please God, please let me take this one home, and I will raise her to know You. Thank you for my children. I know they are Yours, but I love them so much.

I prayed that same prayer when I was pregnant with Kathlyn. If it's possible, I might be more devastated if I lose this baby. I shiver at the thought; it is hard to imagine there is a "worse" than what i've already been through.

i walked into a store today, and this little baby just kathlyn's age, unmistakably looked right at me and said "baby!" i heard her parents later say that she was 15 months. kathlyn would be 14 right now. i wonder if it was a coincidence.. but whatever it is that made her say that, i know kathlyn is ALWAYS right by me.

yesterday i had a less pleasant encounter in a store. i was looking at the most darling pink puppy outfit (pink puppies, cherries, birdies, love them :) and this woman walked into the store, speaking quite loudly on her cell phone as she walked. rude, if you ask me. no one really needs to hear your conversation in the confines of this tiny mall store. here's what i heard:

"yea, i'm in gymboree. i know, it's so tempting to be in here, they just have the CUTEST stuff for girls. i'm always in trouble since i have two. can you believe that? ME.. i cant believe i have TWO girls, i spend so much money, i guess that was God's punishment to me for not being good, to have two girls."

you have GOT to be kidding me.

THIS is my example of "clueless". people who have no freaking idea what they have, what they take for granted, and what idiotic and selfish things come out of their mouths. i would give my four limbs to have my two girls, my three girls, whatever, just to have ALL my children present with me so i can overspend on clothes. your PUNISHMENT?! really?! if 2 girls is punishment, what word describes when one of your girls dies and you only have one left?

i remember another sad mommy, who lost her first baby, writing about when she was pushing her child on a swing and there were 2 mothers talking about "how hard it is to have two children". she had to walk away. it's MUCH harder to have two children, but only get to raise one of them... than it is to chase around two at once.

i couldnt walk away though. i had to buy the pink puppy outfit. along with a purple lambie outfit. for my baby girl.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I dont know if this is because of tomorrow specifically, but I've had a lot of worries this week. The only reason I say it's not totally about tomorrow is that I've always had these worries. they're just manifesting all at once right now.

round ligament pain, decreased kicking, not kicking at all, deli meat, fish, hot dogs, soft cheese, soft serve ice cream, listeriosis, artificial sugar, refined sugar, caffeine, not enough water, not enough folic acid, too much vitamin A, constipation from too much iron, anemia from not enough iron, toxins in plastic, styrofoam, sleeping on your back, not sleeping enough, gingivitis, bleeding gums, anti-depressants, infection exposure at work. all these worries. in additon, worry itself is a problem.

but on top of that, what about the laundry list of things that could actually be wrong tomorrow?

i know - worrying about things doesnt help or change whether they will happen or not. because what about all that could be right and perfect tomorrow...

the raw truth is, kathlyn had nothing of those things wrong. nothing. makes it very difficult to rest easy or to feel safe. a healthy report tomorrow will be such a blessing.. but it wont make the worry stop.

i'm trying.. i'm really really tryng.

last night i had to put down the grief and pregnancy books and picked up a parody. it's called "what to expect when you're expected" and it's written from the point of view of a fetus, to a fetus.


the first line of the book was a preface from the stork, and it starts "first of all, fuck you" and i burst out laughing in the store. i knew this dark humor would be just what i needed in times like these. the traditional pregnancy magazines and books have proven to be too much for me (remember the line "these body blunders (like weight gain, leg cramps, other annoying ailments of pregnancy) will go away, but thankfully, the baby is here to stay!") - just can't read that anymore.

there's a part where the fetus is saying that Mommy will need lots of new clothes, and that she can either lose weight and need yet *another* set of new clothes after you're born, or choose to remain 40 pounds heavier for the rest of her life and keep wearing maternity clothes. and how Daddy will especially love shopping with her Sundays in the fall.

my personal favorites though -

"Should Mommy give up coffee for me? -

This is a matter of some controversy.. some studies have shown no link between caffeine and pregnancy.. so the consesus is that you're in no danger of Mom's coffee drinking, as long as it's in moderation (under forty cups a day). Frankly, this is one indulgence you might want to cut Mommy some slack on. She's already given up booze, marijuana, and horse tranquilizers for you, so it's a lot to expect of her to give up all chemical enhancement whatsoever. Yes, the caffeine may keep you up all night, but what, like you've gotta work tomorrow?"

hahah, that's so wrong. but it makes me laugh.

(click images to enlarge)

obviuosly my anxiety isn't "baseless", as it isn't for any of us bereaved mothers, but somehow, the dark humor of laughing at myself and my urges to call the office every day, helps just a little.. since I know I'm totally guilty of all of that. i bring pens and notepads to each appointment and i've brought printed articles too. he also talks of "anxiety as a more creative approach to useless worry" and taking a months-long tour through the "american museum of things that could theoretically happen but are extremely unlikely."


whatever gets me through though.. prayer, my supporters, sick humor, or total denial of the horror that pregnancy can turn into (aka "hope").. i'll get thru it somehow. oh, and of course, with the help of unsolicited advice from clueless passer-bys, too.

8 more hours..

excerpts and photo from What to Expect When You're Expected by David Javerbaum

Friday, October 1, 2010

I Will Carry You

I am going to see Angie Smith speak tonight, author of "I Will Carry You", the story of sweet Audrey Caroline. Her husband and his band, Selah, will also be there ♥

I Will Carry You by Selah

Scouting For Hope

Thursday, September 30, 2010

round ligament pain

Boring pregnancy details here. But I meant to be documenting more of it.. so here's a little update.

I woke up this afternoon with terrible abdominal pain... so bad that I had to call out of work. It was in my upper and lower stomach area so I didnt know if this was GI related or uterine. It was difficult to walk, which really sucks when you think you're going to vomit. (I never did though, thank goodness). So I went back to sleep hoping it would go away.

14 hours later, it hasn't. It isn't GI related, and the pain has lessened in my upper stomach. Eating doesn't change anything, and fluids have only helped with the matching headache I had. I did take a hot bath (semi-hot, since you're not really allowed) and that helped. After talking to one of my maternity nurse friends and being reassured by the doppler a whopping 5 times in 10 hours, I have self diagnosed this as round ligament pain. Usually I feel that when I change positions after sitting or laying for a long time, but this is constant. It feels like muscular tightness rather than cramping. Who's had a pregnancy after a c-section? was your round ligament pain worse? do you think it's because the muscle is sore? or does the 2nd pregnancy just result in faster growth, so therefore worse RLP?

I dont like it at all. The baby's heart rate has been up slightly.. not much... but I would think the all day pain and maybe the hot water (after the bath was the fastest) has affected my poor little bird :( I'd rather know it's high than wonder if it's there at all. If I didn't have my doppler, I'd definitely have been in triage last night.

I cant miss work again tonight.. I dont have very much paid time off and every hour that I miss basically translates to less time of guaranteed maternity leave. I guess I'm just gonna be moving slowly at work if/when I go, because although right now the pain is steady, it still causes those worse twinges if I move too much.

I wish pain could just be pain, a nusiance, and not be horrifying worry.

I'm sorry baby.. I dont mean to stress. I hope this pain just means that your nest is growing bigger for a healthier you!

Six days until anatomy scan!

Monday, September 27, 2010


for those of you in the "doppler is a bad idea" camp, i had a needless scare just now. couldn't find the heartbeat. turns out, my bladder was in the way. the instant i came out of the bathroom and put the wand on my stomach, there it was, 141. daddy even heard it from the other room. we laughed.. my poor squished organs. we love you baby bird!

8 more days until we find out the health status and gender of our birdie!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


.i dreamed of kathlyn last night. this is about the 4th or the 5th time i've dreamed of her. each time, she has been dead, or alive but i knew she was about to die. my brain wont allow, even for a second of my unconscious, for my heart to think she's alive. my brain knows my heart would shatter once again to have to wake back up from that. so even in my dreams, she's still dead. despite that, the feel of her 7 pounds in my arms was a temporary cure for my grief. i wish i could hold her like that every night.

the details of the dream are too strange to share. all my dreams lately are very strange; i guess those are "pregnancy dreams". but in the dream, even though she was dead, she cried, stretched, and spit up. it's not really that strange that she spit up, because the whole time i was holding her in real life on july 30, i was afraid her meconium would expel (what a thing to be thinking of when bonding for the one and only time with your daughter).

i heard her cry... i have never, ever heard that before, not for real, not in my imagination or my dreams. and, i saw her eyes. since i never saw them in real life, my dreams have never showed them to me. my dreams have even teased me before, where i was about to see her eyes and at the last second she closes them. but there they were... such a shining, sparkly, icy blue. they were amazing. i put a new diaper on her. and a pair of green and pink kitty cat pajamas. and swaddled her in a pink, white, and yellow flower blanket. and held her. i remember thinking in my real conscious (i knew i was dreaming) what a gift it was to hear those cries, see her stretch and get an idea of her body movements, see her eyes, and dress her.. things i never got to do. and i just wanted to hold her to my chest, heart to heart, baby blue eyes on my shoulder, and never let go.

i close my eyes.. only for a moment and the moment's gone..

raw truth

my instant karma punishment for allowing myself to watch "baby diaries" is the narrator saying "and the 6lb 14oz baby's two vessel cord turned out to be of no concern at all." he was born at 38+6, just like kathlyn, and was only 3oz different. im not begruding them. just sad for me. they are also repeatedly showing ...a march of dimes commercial about how 60,000 american newborns a year never see their own room.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Question for rainbow mommies...

During your pregnancy with your rainbow baby, were you afraid to do the things you did while pregnant the first time? (or whichever pregnancy it was that your baby died.) Did you feel that either it's a bad omen, or somehow that it would contribute to the baby's death again?

I know everyone will tell us that it wasn't our fault that the baby died. We'lll even reassure each other of that, and then in the next sentence be sure that we ourselves DID have something to do with our own baby's death. I'm the mother. Any mother would feel responsible for something bad happening to their child, especially under our own supervision, and even when not. It's the mother's job to protect the child. It's the female's body's job to carry and deliver offspring. And so far, I'm batting zero. If you don't understand how I could think it's partially or totally my fault (or my body's fault), then you obviously haven't been through it.

I'm very excited because my brother is coming to visit this weekend. He wanted to come this weekend instead of for Kathlyn's birthday so that he could have me all to himself :) We decided to go stay in a cabin in the mountains for the weekend for some beautiful views, cool breezes, and some light hiking. John and I took the same trip when I was 33 weeks pregnant with Kathlyn, and I never, ever thought I'd be able to go back there again. It would just be too sad. But I decided that instead of being too sad, it would be nice to go somewhere to experience a happy time we had with Kathlyn. Still sad, because everything is sad without her, but a bittersweet sad.

What was I thinking?!

The hikes were not very strenuous. I was so big, they couldn't be. But did I do too much?? Too much uphill?? If that was the case, wouldnt she have died right then and not 6 weeks later? I don't know! How can you know?!

We did some swimming. Not really "swimming", but we dipped in some knee and waist deep water to cool off. I even thought at the time "this can't be very clean" but I know my closed amniotic sac protects germs from entering the body and going near the baby.

But what if there WAS an infection from the water? What if it took 6 weeks to kill her, but by the time the autopsy was done, the infection had died down? Would I have been sick too?? I don't know! How can you know?!

And now I'm going to do this AGAIN!?

It's such a shame, because everything enjoyable I try to do causes me to question if it's going to cause me, or someone I love, to die. TO DIE. THIS IS MY WORRY. WHAT IF SOMEONE DIES?

Oh Dear God. I'm not using Your name in vain. I'm constantly talking to You. Please don't let anyone die, please not my new baby. I'm doing everything I can for this baby's safety. I want to enjoy my brother's visit and the beautiful scenery of Your Blue Ridge Mountains. That breeze... I love that cool fresh air breeze. I've been looking forward to that cool breeze. A cool breeze cannot make someone die. (can it?!)

It's exhausting.

i'm not normal.

article: "New Mom Body Bummers"

magazine: "American Baby"

"..Remember, though postpartum aches and pains may be frustrating, they're only temporary- and the fleeting souvenirs of bringing your amazing newborn into the world. And, thankfully, she's here to stay."

Well, that's an empty guarantee, eh?

I should know better than to read these magazines for normal pregnant people. I should be reading "Trying Again" and "Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss." Am I trying to be normal? To read the magazines that I so dreamily read through the first time? I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I've already named this baby. I've already bought things for this baby. I've already planned some things for March and April. I'm counting this baby.

And then I have this horrifying feeling that it's all too good to be true. Will this one be "here to stay?" Will this one plan my funeral in 60 years? I have practiced for 7 years as a policewife on just not thinking of all the bad things that could happen while my husband is at work. But you can never become "used to it." I didn't even get the chance to act as a real mother before every mother's biggest worry, worst nightmare, the one she tries not to think about, came true for me. I'm terrified. I don't want any more of my babies to die. Terrifed.

Screw "American Baby" for making promises they can't keep. I'm supposed to put my faith in my awesome God, not some stupid magazine for the society that denies that babies ever die. But faith in God doesn't protect me from the feelings, worries, and emotions that make me human. God understands what happened, but I don't, and I shouldn't be expected not to grieve for what I lost and worry for what I still have to come.

Anyway, my first trimester screen came back normal.. I use the doppler anywhere from 0-2 times per day, and it's always between 147 and 164. Everything looks healthy and on time. My next appointment is October 6... the anatomy scan ! Normal results for a totally non-normal feeling Mommy.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

in other news..

I had my first trimester screen and ultrasound yesterday. It was so much easier going to this appointment since I had already confirmed the heartbeat the night before! As expected though, my doctor teased me about having it. He said "if the baby comes out shivering and shaking, we'll know why." I cant believe he said that! My husband said "he was just kidding!" (ugh, men!), but still... saying that to me of all people, he should know I would worry. So I said "is it really a risk?" and he said there's no proof whether it's a risk or not... but it has lower sound waves than an ultrasound, so the risk is low. Hm. What's "low?" The risk for stillbirth of a healthy term baby is "low" too, by some standards. Crap. I guess I'll be limiting the use to every other day instead of every day. He said he understood how hard it is, especially before you can feel movement, but he said the risk of maternal stress isn't good either.

Bottom line - nothing is easy in pregnany after loss. TWO types of losses. Will I feel safe in trimester 2 because I've never had a loss during that time? Doubtful.

It's a good report though... heartbeat 160s, all bloodwork looks good, I lost a pound (gained a bunch at first because I was so hungry! leveling off now..) my blood pressure is stellar at 118/68. I've never had such good BP as I do in pregnancy! We had a good talk about some plans for later in the pregnancy such as when to deliver, seeing the MFMs, when NSTs will start, what we'll do if there's a questionable one, whether I'll need an amnio/steriods depending on how far I go... I felt really good about the appointment. One of my two favorites is leaving for Iraq very soon, and this one I saw (the one who's not leaving) said he's ok if I just see him while the other is gone (there are 8 in the practice.) I feel most comfortable with those two.. and they will do the c-section. He's the one who delivered Kathlyn, and the other one did Cherry baby's "delivery", so I know they are honored and excited about delivering tweetie bird for me :)

I think it's a girl... some people I know sometimes see the beginnings of a boy at these 11-12 weeks appointments... but nothing here. We'll see.. doesn't matter to me. Next appointment: September 1.

sad with me

i'm sitting here on the couch with my feet up, in my nice, cool, air conditioned house, with the day off, plenty to eat and drink, and the confidence that the miracle inside me is doing just fine. one might say in such a situation, "life is good", but i know i will never speak those words for as long as i live.

i was looking at a picture the other day that i have hanging in our pantry in an attempt to stave off snacking (it doesn't work). it's from july 4, 2001. the towers were still standing. my daddy was alive. i was thin. i had a new boyfriend and we were in that blissful beginning stages of a relationship which, unbeknownst to us at the time, would last forever. we hadn't lost baby. or two. life was good. in other words, we were clueless.

i'm still in that blissful stage. i love him so much. i just cried when he left. that might not be normal for an adult wife, but for me, it's standard. i dont want him to leave. i want to spend every minute with him. i've never been one who needed "alone time" and suddenly, i'm inundated with it. even if he's home, outside doing yard work, or in the garage, or watching something i'm not interested in on tv and i'm doing something else, i'm still not alone. he's home. home is where the heart is. my heart is wherever he is. we have a plaque on our wall, a wedding gift from his parents, that says "when i say i am going home, i mean i am going to where you are."

our doggies are at my feet and they are sad with me. they don't want daddy to leave either. i was going to say, they don't know what they're missing about the baby girl they never met, but they're sad for her because i am. but really, that's inaccurate. when she died, john and i were in the hospital for 3 days. usually c-sections stay for 4, but they gave me the option to leave a day early since it's less than ideal to be surrounded by newborns after your own has died. perhaps the comfort of our own home and bed would be suitable. but i was terrified to go home without my baby. i was being nurtured at the hospital, i could be a victim. if i went home, i'd have to take care of myself. i dont want to take care of myself! i want to take care of my baby! so i was on the phone with my poor mother who had been in my house for those 3 days by herself. (we miss my daddy so much, even more in thes situations.) she said she was too lonely, and if i wasnt coming home, she was coming to the hospital. i just couldnt decide what to do. she then said "your dogs miss you. they are sad. they arent eating." i burst into harder tears than were already endlesslly falling, and i looked at john and said "we're going home."

we have vacationed many times and they've never stopped eating without us. they pretty much never miss a meal. we weren't even home, and they knew we were sad. they knew a big change was coming, which was suppossed to be the baby, and then, the world was knocked off its axis, and they knew. they know what they're missing. they're sad with me. everyone i know is sad with me. God is sad with me.

I can find healing and happiness in my huband, my dogs, in God, in the sound of my baby's heartbeat, in honoring the memory of my daughter, in collecting cherries, in wearing pink, in milk and cookies, an uplifting book, a kind gesture, a new friend, an old friend, a song lyric that could have come straight from my own heart. but the sad will always be with me.

Saturday, August 14, 2010


It's so frustrating at this point of pregnancy because there's no way to know if the baby is ok between appointments. My next appointment and ultrasound is this Tuesday, August 17, but there were many days this past week where I woke up in a panic wanting to know if the baby was ok. I dont want to go overboard and call the doctor for a heartbeat check all the time.. so I broke down and ordered a doppler.

I tried it for the first time this morning, and at first, found nothing but my own heartbeat, which was exactly what happened the day we found out Kathlyn died. I tried not to panic because I'm still early and it takes some skill to find it at any point before 3rd trimester, really. After some advice from my friend who's a maternity nurse, I tried a second time and what sweet relief... 161, and it lasted a long time!! John was asleep, so I tried to move into the bedroom to let him hear (he couldnt hear me calling him, hmph), but I lost it after that :( In all the craziness, I forgot to take my progesterone! Crap. I found my healthy baby and then forget to medicate for her correctly :-/ So of course, when I got up again just now, I had to check again... still in the 160s :)

Torture.. but totally worth the reward... just like this entire pregnancy <3

Saturday, August 7, 2010

due date

August 7, 2009 was my due date, 40 weeks. That is, until mid-July when my official delivery date was going to be July 31. Sounds like a whole month in advance, but it was only a week. I was to have my baby at 39 weeks, full term. She died at 38 and 6.

As if I havent written about it 50 million times already.

August 7, 2009 instead was the very last day I ever laid eyes on my precious firstborn, on Friday night visitation. Wearing her white going-home dress and sweet little baby tights and socks, which I never saw, and wrapped in a matching pink hat and blanket. John didn't let me unwrap her, though I wanted to. I didn't know that I could have held her if I had asked. I should have taken a picture. There was nothing left to do but cry. The only words I remember from that open casket moment were from my brother Brian, who just said "oh my God, Beth" in the most compassionate and sympathetic voice I have ever heard. She was too beautiful and perfect to be dead. But there was nothing left to say or do. We were helpless. I don't remember them closing the casket, so I must have blocked it from my memory. I remember Travis said a prayer, and we motioned the director to come close it, and I panicked thinking there had to be something more to do. One more kiss, one more hug, one more "I love you". I remember in my panic literally and awkwardly forcing John's hand underneath mine to touch her one more time. And then it's blank. The casket was closed and I stared at it all night. I looked straight through my mourners to that casket. My baby is in there! I made her from scratch! Someone get her out! This has to be a mistake! Take those pink and white roses and that pink puppy off of there and open it back up. I'm leaving with her; do not follow me. Only John. Do not try to contact me. I want my baby.

I cant see the casket being closed, and it's appropriate because one never, ever reaches closure after an event like that one.

I have been delayed in writing the 2nd half of her birth story and writing about her party because they have to be perfect, and I am too drained for perfect. And maybe because it's another piece of closure that I dont want to be true. If I'm finished with her birth story, there will be nothing left to write. The story of Kathlyn ends there. If I write about her first birthday, then I'm officially in year two. The bereaved say that year two is harder. HARDER THAN WHAT I JUST WENT THROUGH?! How is that possible?! What is harder than grieving a child?! NAME SOMETHING!

And fuck you, fate, because I dont believe in you, you dirty temptress. DONT TRY TO SHOW ME SOMETHING HARDER. I'M NOT ASKING FOR IT! Sell tragedy somewhere else, I'm all stocked up.

I was shocked the other day when a friend asked me how my pregnancy was going, and added "you havent said much about it." Ouch. How is that possible either, because my 3 pregnancies are all I ever think about. ALL I EVER THINK ABOUT. In the past 372 days, has their been an entry or a status update about absolutely anything else? Maybe one about my dad on his birthday (but I probably thanked him for holding my baby for me) or one about John on his birthday or our anniversary, but John IS the other half of my children. It all points back to Kathlyn, my little cherry on top, my little lovebird.

There isnt much to tell about this new pregnancy yet. I want this baby as much as the other two, and honestly, as much as I want my 4th child who doesnt exist yet. But I cant feel her move yet. I dont even know if she's a she, though that's where I'm leaning now, where I first felt I was having a boy. I dont have any way to know if she's alive at any given moment. Even once my beautiful ultrasounds are over, the baby could die 5 minutes later or 30 seconds later or 2 seconds later and no one would be the wiser. I feel more exhausted than ever, after such a draining year, and now a new life growing inside me. The nausea is becoming less and less, which is disconcerting, but the fatigue is more and more. The heartrate at 8 weeks had gone all the way up to 174 from 108 and everything looked right on time. My next appointment is August 17, at almost 12 weeks, for my first trimester screen. Right now, my little baby would fit inside a peanut shell, yet exhausts me, I believe, more than a newborn would.

I welcome it. I would lay down my life for any of them.

Friday, July 30, 2010

July 30

Today wasn't supposed to mean anything. Tomorrow was supposed to be her birthday.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm supposed to be getting last minute stuff together for the memorial tonight. I wish I could sleep longer. As of now, she was gone. I suppose I don't know that for sure, but so they say, it often happens during maternal sleep. (Um, how am I EVER supposed to sleep during my third trimester?!) I found out at 11am. I spent 7 long hours in a hospital staring at the wall and crying, and she was born by c-section at 6:28. My guests are set to arrive at 6:30. I should have started earlier so we could do the balloon release at 6:28. It's ok.. it means we'll be releasing them at the time we were holding her. Releasing these balloons *does not* symbolize letting her go. I will never, ever let go. It was hard enough to let go of her physically this night a year ago. I will be talking about her more often than every day for the rest of my life. She's still my baby. My little angel baby forever. Those were the words I whispered to her right after she was born. "I'm so sorry my baby. My little angel baby forever." I will never forget her closed eyes and perfect nose peeking out from behind the blanket with her sweet pink and white hat as the nurse cradled her to show me. I was still lying flat on the operating table, so I couldn't get a good look. But God, she was beautiful.

The text message that so many of you still don't believe:

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. We lost our angel Kathlyn Joy before she had the chance to bless this earth. We don't know why. No calls please."

I was told from those who received that text that there were still people who didn't know yet congratulating me on facebook on "my big day tomorrow" after she was already gone. Most people deleted them after they found out, so I never saw them. And every day since then, I get at least 50 if not 100 messages a day. Today, between 1am and 8am, I have already received 49.

Thank you for carrying me in your hearts, so I may have the strength to carry her in mine.

I love you my princess. Send me something pink today so I know you're safe. And get all your little baby angels to help you catch the balloons.

1 year without her

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful baby girl in the history of the world. Kathlyn Joy, Mommy is so sorry. You are still my baby and I love you forever.

I am heartbroken to go to bed because then it will be exactly a year from when, and where, she died. In my belly, in my arms, in my heart, inside ALL OF ME, and she slipped away suddenly without my knowledge and against my permission.

Kathlyn Joy Davis
July 30, 2009
6:28 pm
7 lb. 1 oz.
20 inches

Friday, July 23, 2010


the last few weekends, i have been sleeping all through the day to recover from long nights at work. by the time i get up, it's way too late to do anything or see anyone. tonight i got up early (after only 4-5 hours sleep, less than half of what i need) to go have dinner with friends. i enjoyed myself, though I miss john (who's working) and of course kathlyn. as everyone was winding down, finishing their meal, ready to go, i get more and more uneasy. i anticipate being back home, alone, with all night ahead of me and nothing to do. i want my baby.

july has been ok for me. i've been planning her memorial gathering and my mom's coming, my house will be sparkling clean once she gets her hands on it, and everything i'm doing is kathlyn centered. i do best that way.

im dreading august. most sad mommies say the days leading up to the birthday are the worst, then the actual day isnt so bad. for me, i will be nuclear winter. august means the year is over. no more firsts. it will be the "second everything without her." grief doesnt expire after a year. it just restarts. with a bang. the nuclear kind. stop. stop. right now. august can't come. it's still kathlyn's year.

just like this lonely depression is possibly worse after a nice dinner. i have nothing to do right now. i'll have nothing to do in august.

i'm still seeing my therapist twice a week, with no plans to lengthen the time between appointments anytime soon. it so tiring, expensive, and time consuming, but when there's a week without a second appointment, i panic. all i have to do is wait a few days between visits and i can go back. i can make it.

although sometimes i feel like i start out in an ok mood, and then end up drudging up all the anger and hurt when i wouldnt have otherwise needed to talk about it in that moment. she tells me that i should try to keep writing since it helped me so much in the past, but i dont write as often because i have nothing new to say and i repeat myself. but she says that is how people get through traumas... talk about it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, and then maybe it will hurt a little less. if the anger and hurt are coming out, that means they needed to. at some point, they needed to. there's still so much of it. probably way more than 2 hours a week's worth.

on the way to my appointment this morning after work, i drove past some abortion protesters. there were signs with pretty babies that said "i was saved, my mother decided not to abort, honk for life" etc etc. and then there were the signs with pictures of aborted babies. ugh. i didnt have time to stop, but i thought maybe after the appointment i would. i talked about it some, and decided i wouldnt stop because i didnt want to get all worked up and then not be able to sleep. i didnt have to drive past them again to get home, so i knew it would be fine.

so much for that. they had spread. i did have to pass them again, so i couldnt stop myself. i pulled into a parking lot for KFC and walked my awake-for-20-hours--pregnant-sensitive--just-had-therapy--still-in-scrubs-from-last-night self up to a man with a megaphone and one with one of the disturbing signs and showed them a picture of my daughter. i said "this is my daughter" and he said "oh! how cute! how old is she?!" and i said "she's dead in this picture" and his expression of course completely dropped. i said "can you tell?" and he said "oh, yea, i can now." what the flip is that?! anyway, he's wrong. in that picture i showed, you can't tell. i told him my story and how im sensitive and discrete about showing her pictures, how i only show the ones where you can't tell anything is wrong (very, very few people have seen EVERY unretouched picture), and that his photograph is completely and utterly disturbing. they claim that it stops people from aborting, so if that's really true, then fine, you've convinced me about halfway, but i dont know if i believe it. why not show a photo of an adoptive family instead? education, instead of shock value. i asked how many people stop and complain, and he said "you're the first one... today." hah. it was 1030am. he also said no pro-life person had ever stopped to complain. i rule. i give them credit though. he asked to say a prayer for me and he prayed for my little birdie :)

one thing that struck me was when i said we don't know what happened to our daughter, he said "i dont know either, but i know God is good." good for him not making a claim about a plan or a reason for everything. God is good. one of my new good friends had her rainbow-after-the-storm baby today after a rocky pregnancy. her son is doing great! :) she's getting lots of uplifting comments, such as "God is so good!"

That He is. but if He's good, He has to be good all the time. He was good for 138 other mothers today along with my friend. but that 140th mother who had a stillborn this morning.... what about her? wasn't He good for her too? isn't He there with her like He's been there for me?

I don't support abortion for any reason. I'm not ok, even after a year since my daughter's death, and I never will be. I'll never be ok with losing my little cherry. Right now, little birdie is ok. God is so good, no matter what we go through. Now, if I could only convince myself of that all the time. If I could only remember that when I'm dreading the end of dinner. Or when I'm in bed alone. Or when I'm mad at someone for innocently saying something dumb. Or all through August and year number 2 without her.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

tuesday's ultrasound / approaching birthday

I had a very healthy ultrasound on Tuesday... such a relief! I've been working every day since then, so I didn't get a chance to post until now. The heartbeat was instantly visable and it was 108.. poor LC's was only 84 at this point in her pregnancy :( I am now past the point that I lost her. It is such reassuring news, but makes me all the more devastated that she never had a chance. Such conflicting emotions.. I wouldnt have my little birdie if little cherry was still ok... I love them both so much though. I want them both. I prayed for them both. I need them both. I long for them both. I will love them both forever.

As Kathlyn's birthday approaches I am spending more time planning and planning and planning and buying things for her memorial. It's actually a positive experience for me. I miss her beyond any words could describe.. it's the paradox of grief and guilt (thanks Franchesca).. feeling and looking better only makes the bereaved feel we are denying our angels. But it's ALL for her. There are K's everywhere in this house, in my art, on my body (jewelry), hanging from my purse and keys. I have to change my outfit if there's no pink. Her picture is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last when I go to bed. I cry morning, day, and night, inside and outside of my heart.

July 16, one year from the unsuccessful version procedure, came and went. My doctors gave two valient tries to get her to turn head-down, but she was stubborn. She never brady'd or decelled even the slightest bit. She was untouched, healthy, strong. I had a four hour NST after the procedure, and scheduled her c-section for Friday, July 31, 2009, at 39 weeks. She was on her way! She had two healthy NSTs on July 21 and July 28 as well. What happened my dear? Mommy is so, so sorry. I wish you had brady'd on July 16, 2009, sent for an urgent section at 36 and a half weeks, and this week we would have celebrated your first birthday with a pink party dress and hairbow and sandals and pink cupcakes.

I'm so sorry my baby. I didn't know.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


I have cried every day for the past 345, precisely. Some days it has been just a few tears before bed or before getting up, some days it's while watching or listening to something, or writing or reading or talking or driving, some days it's repressed with all my might at an inappropriate time, and some days it's sobs heard round the world with enough tears to dehydrate. Some days it lasts only a minute, some days, hours or simply every waking moment Sometimes it's in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up already crying. Sometimes I'm alone and tell no one, sometimes I call someone at that moment or after I'm calm again. Sometimes I'm not alone, whether at home or out, and people know I'm doing it, and sometimes even at a crowded table, no one notices.

Grief is not measured by how many times you cry, but for her, i have cried an ocean. Wouldn't you? HAVE you?

Today I felt like I had nothing to do (because I dont, imagine that). I just wanted a lazy or busy Saturday with my daughter. To combat this heartbreak, I slept and slept and slept, and by the time I gathered myself, it was after 8:30pm and everyone already had plans for the night and already eaten dinner. At least this is what I assume, because not a single person answered their phone, except my forever loyal husband. I told him I was lonely, and he said how it would just be one more night of work and we'd have 3 days together. We hung up the phone and I burst into tears. I want my baby. I want this pregnancy to be ok. I want my husband to be home. I feel so alone. I had trouble deciding if this was grief or hormones because lately my cries have been the softer, quieter kind, but this time I could not control the volume or the depth.. and what reason did I have to do that anyway? The dogs, also forever loyal, came to the bed check on me and I said "let's go see Daddy." I got dressed, put them in the car, and off we went. I saw him for only 10 or 15 minutes, if that, had a piece of pizza and a salad on a restaurant's outside patio, walked through the city streets being complimented about my beautiful dogs, realized again how I dont miss the bar life at all, and that I'd much rather be complimented for having the most beautiful baby girl anyone has ever seen. I have come to realize that everyone I know without a daughter truly believes that she is. why isnt she here?! WHY?! She died for no reason! her name was torn right from my heart, leaving a fresh wound that should have rendered it unbeatable like hers, yet it beats on somehow, with something more and something less to it. i bought some new sunglasses the other day, with a sweet pink butterfly on the side rim, and they've already cracked on the lens, and yet they are still perfectly functioning; the crack is not directly in my line of site, but I know it's there, and I know people notice it easily.

Now I'm back in bed where I lay only 5 or 6 hours ago. I saw my husband, gave the pups a little extra attention, picked up ice cream on the way home, and all that's left to do is sleep and cry.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

hcg 701! excellent!

Monday, July 5, 2010


I met such a nice man today at BJs. I asked him if he would pick up my 50lb bag of dogfood and put it in my cart, and he was so nice that he came out to my car to load it up for me too! this was not an employee doing his job, just a random nice guy in the store. he told me he was a nurse, so that explained some.. we're natural helpers :) but it reminded me how much I love being pregnant.. everyone is so nice to you!

Friday, July 2, 2010

the last of the "one year ago today" markers

July 2, 2009, I was hospitalized for shortness of breath and decreased kicks. I was sent home because I could breathe better after a good meal and hydration. My 3 hour NST was perfectly normal. I was just fine. Kathlyn was just fine.

I wish she wasn’t. I wish they had seen 1 second of distress and taken me for an emergency c-section for my 35 and a half weeker. I wish today was Kathlyn’s birthday. I wish she was my little 4th of july weekend baby. She would be fine. She would be 1. She would be healthy. I would be taking her for granted. I would be counting the days until it was “the day she left the NICU” instead of “the day she died and was born.” We would be happy.

My precious little girl, what happened?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

my birdie :)

I saw my doctor yesterday, my beloved Dr. C. He said he has a good feeling about this too, and that he thought I looked wonderful :) Dr. F said so to. My blood pressure was perfectly low, and I felt so calm and cool. He said my uterus has already grown. How he can tell that just by palpating, I have no clue, but I'll take it! I'm having HCG (beta) drawn again on Friday, as well as progesterone.

I felt great this morning, but when I had more spotting this afternoon, welcome freak out number one of probably 30 million in the next 30 weeks. C didnt even flinch when I mentioned the spotting yesterday, so he didnt care much today either. Just rest and call back if it's heavier.

I cant believe this is the THIRD time... I've now been pregnant more or as many times as most people I know, including my mom and all SILs. How can I possibly be pregnant for a third time and not have my babies here.

Missing my little cherry verses Kathlyn has become more frequent. Ive said before, I can tell when I'm grieving which one, they are so distinct. By 2 weeks from now, I'll know my little bird more than my little cherry. My body will know him better than her. I am so sad for what might have been. I would be more than half way to meeting her, and now instead I'm starting from the very beginning again.

Wow.. what a wave that just came over me... I love all three of them. I want my babies.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

a little birdie

The other day, I had only 1 pink line. I was disappointed, but hung on to hope that I was testing too early.

Today, I noticed some spotting. Crap, my stupid unwanted period.

But, I took a pregnancy test, because I had implantation bleeding with Kathlyn. 2 pink lines.

Yep :)

It was 2:30 AM. I called and woke my mom (1:30 for her). I called and woke a friend who told me to call her ANYYYYYYYYY time, because I knew she'd want to know. She is 38 weeks and was getting up to pee anyway.

It's going to work this time. I'm claiming a few things. I didn't have implantation bleeding with the cherry babe. Maybe she didn't have a good "catch". My poor, poor cherry. Mommy is so sorry she didnt get to know you. Love you forever. You are SO loved and recognized by SO many people when they see cherries.

But I'm claiming this one. It's going to work. Implantation bleeding like with Kathlyn, who had a healthy pregnancy until the end. We wont go that far this time. 37 weeks tops. It's going to work this time. First instinct, it's a boy.

I want to tell the world! I find no use in 'waiting' to tell. I need the prayers. And if the worst happens AGAIN, I'll need the support, big time. I wouldnt be able to hide it. I'm not mentioning it on facebook though until a few people know. I think only BLMs check this blog anyway. SO shhhhh for now :)

I bought a new (used) car today. A beautiful robin's-egg-blue Dodge Journey. It's SO pretty, a family car. The day i found out I was pregnant with cherry, i was vomiting from a virus. today, a new car.

so this baby is my little birdie. my little blue robin's egg. and wow, birdie stuff is VERY popular right now.. i'll have no problem finding birdie stuff!

in the name of hope... my third pregnancy.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

raw truth.

about now, i should be announcing the gender of my new hope. not debating whether it's too early to take a pregnancy test instead of losing my crap over the fact that it was negative.

sometimes i miss my little cherry outside of missing katie. and i can always tell the difference.

My Cherry Baby,
Mommy loves you! You are still my baby, and I miss you so much. Give Sissy a kiss for me, and tell her I miss her too.
Love you forever,

Sunday, June 13, 2010

raw truth

this month, it's been 10 months since I lost Kathlyn and 2 months since I lost my 2nd little cherry on top... in the same month, I reach the point where I've been without both my babies longer than I had them.

still waiting for joy.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

rarely so sleepless

the past two nights, I slept 14 and then 12 hours. Now, it's after 8am Sunday morning, and I havent slept yet. I want to go to church at 11. But maybe I should just stay awake and go at 9:30. then waste the rest of the afternoon and evening asleep. oh wait, i forgot, i dont care. every day is a waste without kathlyn, awake or asleep.

i claim that i "never have trouble sleeping" so i'm very unnerved right now. normally, i can sleep in noisy broad daylight no matter how long i've already been asleep or how long i've been awake. so i figured maybe writing will be enough of a release to make me tired.

once again, there has been a large space since my last note. i dont really have anything new to say anymore. i want my babies. im afraid john is going to die. i hate the universe. the CD is on repeat.

i also had a disappointing occurance at work which caused a massive facebook friend purge. im not getting into details because this isnt high school, but basically it was time for the professional and personal line to be cut. i share my deepest and darkest here, which is something i've become fabulous at hiding in front of my patients and families at work. it became apparent that i needed to be better at hiding it from the co-workers, as it was making some of them uncomfortable. poor souls! kathlyn's death was really hard on them! that's too bad they were uncomfortable with my sad affect at work. it's been really hard for me too. i hope it's all better now.

except it's hard for me *everywhere*. they are uncomfortable at work, then get to go be comfortable in their perfect lives at home and i get to struggle with sleeping too much or not at all.

sarcasm is the 8th stage of grief. actually, it's a subset of anger.

i've typed that before. CD still on repeat.

i dont know what else to say. i still live with my raw truth daily, fighting demons hourly. and now that it's becoming time to start trying again, the stress level is rising even more. john and i were doing our grocery shopping (on a saturday night, how boring are we) and as we were loading the car, suddenly i became royal and snapped at him for no reason. i apologized later in the car, saying that i want to start trying again but im so afraid the baby will die. im terribly conflicted. this is more than a control issue. more than a faith issue. more than a desire. more than grief. more than heartbreak.

i dont know *what* it is.

oh, and when i want your opinion, on whether i should start trying again now or wait, i'll give it to you.

sleepless in stage 8

Sunday, May 30, 2010


Only 1 pink line.

It's ok. I took it pretty well, considering my usual reaction to disappointing news. Probably because I'm 99% sure I still ovulated, so at least my body did something right. And because medically, I should wait one more month anyway.

What's more disappointing is that today marks 10 months. So many mommies of fullterm stillborns have their rainbow around the same time they lost the first one the year before. And I'm not even gonna be PREGNANT by a year later!? Ugh. And don't tell me not to compare. Because if I was comparing in the opposite direction and saying "well, thank goodness I havent had 2 and 3 fullterm stillborns like some people" then I'd be told "see, good girl, always look at the positives and count your blessings." Hm. No. If I can't compare, then I can't compare positive or negative. But honestly, I can't help my feelings, no matter whether you tell me I "should" or not. I'm comparing.. and I want an easier time having my rainbow than I've had. I don't think that's too much to friggin ask. Then again, I didnt think my healthy firstborn daughter was too much to ask for either, but I was horribly mistaken. And my poor little Cherry girl didn't even stand a 2nd trimester chance :,(

Also disappointing that I have ZERO possibility of having a baby in 2010 unless I have a micropreemie, and no one would be dumb enough to wish for that (although it would rank in comparision to another one dying). I was supposed to have a baby mid-2009, and now I'm not having one until 2011, or later? What is that?!

No selling angry here, we're all stocked up.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

feeling sad for my little cherry when I realized I'd be 2nd trimester now :,(

Thursday, April 22, 2010

my heartbreak on top...

I have been awake for 29 hours. I really have no idea what is keeping me from completely falling out right now. I think it's because I know when I put down the computer, I will be alone.

Please don't be alarmed. I am safe in this house. Just heartbroken, ripped from the inside by the emotional pieces. It's a familiar feeling, but that doesn't make it any less raw.

I had a peaceful night working in the NICU. I held a sweet baby girl and smiled instead of cried for what might have been. She slept comfortably swaddled on me for a long time.

I was asked to go to employee health after my shift since I missed so many days in a row. I had to have paperwork signed by my manager and one of the CEOs, approving yet another leave of absence. My medical leave was exhausted as maternity leave last fall, now my manager allows me to take the time off as personal leave. I am blessed that he allows me to do this. I've lost so much; I dont want to lose my job too, holding those babies, making them feel better, making me feel better.

I met with my counselor at Kindermourn after employee health. She wants to see me at minimum once a week, and gave me every phone number she has. She will meet me at the office at any hour of any day if I need her to. She knows she doesn't work a 9 to 5. She's always on duty. She will not rest until I am "out of this" (her words).

I went back to work to have my papers signed and to catch up with one of the assistant managers and one of my coworkers. They listened. I crave that. Tell me you are heartbroken with me. I need to hear it outloud.

I drove home in a daze, the bright sunlight somehow not squinting me into sleep on the highway.

A message from the doctor waiting for me when I got home. A nurse, not the one I know best, but the one who needs to take some ativan herself, told me that the pathology was normal. It was halfway official: my baby, yet again, died for no reason. I braced for the news of the gender of my precious baby.. this is it.. alone, without John, I was about to find out. But the news wasnt available. I asked her to please ensure that the chromosomes were sent as well so I could find out later. Chromosomes tell us if we need to be tested for anything, along with the gender of our sweet little cherry.

Still awake. Waiting for the call back. Organizing Kathlyn's Walk on Saturday. Honoring my baby keeps me going.

I got the call back, this time from the nurse I'm comfortable with. There wasn't enough tissue to send for chromosomes.

There is no limit to how many times my heart can shatter.

We had decided not to name the baby when we found out, but I still wanted to know.

I know though, I know it was a girl. I know she was healthy. I know she died, just like her sister, for no reason in particular. Just the wrong end of the odds, an unsafe place, once again.

I wanted to be told though, I wanted the medical proof that her chromosomes were normal and that we could proceed into loving and creating and planning for our third child without any increased risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. No more tests. No more statistics, no more risk factors.

I wanted to hear, "it's a girl."

I know in my heart, this was another daughter, and that will have to be enough. It's never enough, never ever will be enough.

My sweet little girls, I'm so sorry. I am suffering so much, but you will never have to. I'm doing two extra lifetimes worth of suffering, just for you. Take good care of each other. Sleep tight and wait for me. My little cherry on top, I'm so sorry I didn't get to know you better. I loved you, I wanted you, I grieve for you, don't you ever think that I'm only grieving your big sissy... you have a special place in my heart too. There are tears shed just for you, tears for Kathlyn, and tears for both of you together, and my poor broken and overeducated heart can tell which are which.

There are so many broken hearts out there too, little one, broken hearts that prayed for hours over you, broken hearts who smile and think of you when they see cherries now.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

for cherry baby

once again... I have never felt so much pain, sorrow, regret, love, and gratitude all at the same time...

For Cherry Baby


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

it's over.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

See you Tuesday, little cherry!

Keep growing.. I need you, baby.

Love you forever,

Monday, March 29, 2010

second baby's first ultrasound

Photos here.

I have been looking forward to today for 3 weeks... well actually... for 8 months. But 3 weeks since the appointment was made I was counting the days. The ultrasound tech and room were both different from when we lost Kathlyn, but I know that tech remembers me too. She was training the new one. (The one who delivered the news no one should ever have to hear, doesnt work there anymore.) Despite the fact that she was training, she said absolutely nothing the entire actual scan. I was shaking so hard the tissue paper under me was rattling.

Last year, at my first ultrasound, I was 6 weeks, she zoomed right in on the baby, and immediately the heartbeat, which was 110. She said "that's good, that will go up." She measured the baby, labeled her as "baby" and differentiated the yolk sac.

This time, I saw a perfect circle, but she grazed right over it and measured my ovaries about 4 times each. I was sure the baby was dead. Why focus on the ovaries unless you were wondering what went wrong. She zoomed back in on the baby, zoomed in again, and again, and again, as if she was looking for something more that just the sac, and it felt like a million years until I saw the heartbeat. She clicked on "early gestation." then she clicked on "HR" (heartrate) and the little EKG strip appeared at the bottom for her to measure the beats. (The strip I so desperately looked for on July 30, 11am, with Kathlyn, and never saw.) The first measure was 86.


The second measure, 94. She stopped the ultrasound, I say again, after absolutely NO words of reassurance, because she had none.

She printed the pictures, didn't give me one, and said "the baby is measuring behind and the heartbeat is low... so we'll see what the doctor says." I hugged John and he tried to tell me not to panic. We went into the next room and I burst into tears and laid down, thinking WHY?! WHY GOD?! WHY AGAIN!? HAVENT I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ADVERSITY?! WHY CANT IT JUST BE OK THIS TIME?! I was so sad I didn't get a picture and was thinking the worst must be about to happen; but not that I'm not used to having pictures of my dead child all over the house already. I still want a picture if the baby dies!

I know Dr. Finlon was seeing everyone else so he could see me last like they always do. He came in, shook John's hand, and gave me a hug, and handed me my picture, which is a blob but it's MY blob and I'm in love with it. He said "we know this is going to be a rollercoaster the whole time." He told me he wasnt blowing smoke, that he acknowledges and understands the anxiety, but that it's just that I'm 6 weeks instead of 7, the heartrate should be over 100 but we're close, and the shape and size look normal. (sometimes the sac or baby can look "distorted" or something.) He just expects to see one week normal growth next week when I have another scan, and at that time we'll set the accurate due date based on the two scans. He said he won't lie or give false hope, that I have the same 15-20% miscarrage risk that everyone has. My "unfortunate obstetric history" doesnt raise my risk for miscarriage, and miscarriage and stillbirth happen for different reasons (most of which are unknown.) I forgot to ask if my HCG or progesterone should or could be redrawn to make sure they're in the right direction, and I forgot to get my pap that was due. I think he just knew I'd been through enough and we can do it next week. A pap smear! Just what I want for my 30th birthday! I will take 1000 pap smears every birthday for the rest of my life, over a miscarriage. I also forgot most of my questions, the only one I remembered was the stupid "ask a doctor before taking these PRENATAL vitamins if you are pregnant." Of course, it's fine.

Part of the problem with the tech, was that based on my last period, I was due Oct 31, so she looked at that and saw that I should be 9 weeks, and saw this tiny 6 week size baby. She didnt know what we and the doctors already know... that we know that's inaccurate because we know I ovulated much later than that.

So That's part of why she scared me and was so quiet... because SHE was probably scared too.

I told him I was impressed the other day when I called with a question, and one of the doctors I dont know as well was the one to answer, but she made it clear that she was familiar with my case right away. I am so attached to my favorite two or three doctors, and I told him that, but that I was happy to see was familiar with my case too, and he said "they all are." It's a huge practice... so that is very good to know. When scheduling my next appointment, he wrote a request for me to see him or the other favorite specifically. Last time, I just saw whoever was on. It's comforting to know they'll let me see who I want, but also that I'm in good hands with the others too.

Such an emotional day... but what else is new...

Keep growing my little cherry... Mommy loves you so much!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

time away

We had a nice time in Charleston this weekend. It's nice to get away from work, the house, the chores, and spend some quality time with our friends and our faith. For the first time in 8 months, I did not resent the sun. I found on the way home though, as it poured rain, for that to be comforting too.

I honestly think if I wasnt pregnant, I would not have enjoyed myself. At all. Because Charleston on the Church Marriage Retreat was constant reminders of my pregnancy last year. This was supposed to be the first time we left Kathlyn overnight. If I had no prospects of that hope again, I would have been devastated. I "announced" my pregnancy, again like last year, as we went around the room to introduce ourselves, even though in that church, my story pretty much preceeds me. Regardless, I got a round of applause. My pastor told me when I saw him again today that I have more people praying for me than maybe he's known anyone to ever be prayed for, and that means a lot coming from such a popular pastor.

It was very different to have just the adults in my church and none of the babies. I love those babies from the bottom of my broken heart... to not have them there feels very strange. I would say part of me was relieved... it wasnt just babies everywhere and a reminder that mine is missing while the others are being fawned over and passed around (by me included, I love to hold them too). But then again, it's a horrible reminder that she's missing, when they're ALL missing. What would it be like without any of them? It would be nice for maybe a day to just be the adults, but it's just not the same. It's so much more terrible than it is a relief... LIFE IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT THE BABIES.

This is the life I have ahead of me. I missed those three baby girls, someone else's children, over one weekend; imagine the emptiness in my heart every day for as long as I live, without my own flesh and blood.

What's it going to be like, when I have one of my own (pretty please!??!?!), and yet one is still missing. It's as they all say, the baby-bereaved: Life is just full of sad-happy moments. So is the joy to finally raise a crying, hungry, pooping, living child, and yet a minutely reminder of what was missed the first time around.

I am waiting impatiently for... well, pretty much every milestone in pregnancy. I want to see my baby's heartbeat, even though I'm quite sure it will be the same room where I saw my first baby's heart, but not beating. I want to know what the gender is. I want to know that it's healthy. I want to see the belly growing. I want to feel this baby kick, and kick, and kick, and always kick so I never have to wonder if it's alive. This baby has already been named (not telling), although pending approval from Daddy on the new girl's name. We had a name picked out, quite a lovely one, but a movie coming out soon, the star will be named the gorgeous, exotic, never-heard name that I had picked out for the middle. I wanted it to be something no one had ever known anyone with that name... now it's gonna be "oooohhh! after the girl in that movie!!!" Actually, no. And that's part of the reason we're not telling the name ahead of time, because I got too many unsolicited opinions on my names. I want to do some of the things differently this time... so the name will just be between us.

I have pictures to show, and a sweet story about writing Kathlyn's name in the sand in Charleston, but uploading is a pain and I don't feel like it right now. I'm too busy being worried.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


8 more sleeps until I see my new baby. 217 or less until I hold her. i do not know the countdown to seeing my first baby, and i never will until the countdown's over.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

bloodwork update

hcg almost 1000! good news! Dr. C called it "a great rise!" my sweet secondborn is growing ♥

ride, part two

I wrote a note on September 2 that I consider to be one of my best, called "ride". Anytime someone wants to read my entries who hasnt before, and I'm telling them that it's very long, I always alert them to a few of my favorites and that's always one of them.

John and I went on the bike again for the first time this season. It's obviously way too cold in the winter. I was reminded of that ride we took in September, and how we are one on the bike. I said in that entry "if he dies, I die." As he guided the bike out of the garage, it crossed my mind, as it often does, how easily he could die on that thing. And that this time, if he crashed, I would die too. I seem to be preoccupied with (and, terrified of) the subject. At the risk of upsetting a few of you (ok, maybe a lot of you), I dont think I'd really mind if I died, but the idea of John or this new baby dying is something I absolutely will not be able to bear. So there is a sense of relief that I was getting on the bike with him: if he dies, I die too. As opposed to the many times he rides on the bike without me: he dies alone.

I am "saying" this so matter-of-factly, as if in a normal every day conversation about groceries or housework. Just an every day thing. I'm terrified of it happening, but I understand the reality that none of us are safe. My two greatest losses in life, I had absolutely zero time to prepare for. They snuck up on med and attacked without warning. Imagine surviving a strike of lightning or getting hit by a train that you didn't see coming.

I always love the motorcycle rides... I'm alone with my husband and the wind and sky. I don't have to do anything, and I can think about whatever I want or nothing at all. I "wrote" most of the original "ride" while I was on the bike. This time, it was mostly just song lyrics running through my head.. things Kathlyn might be saying to me.

It was March 9, the day of that ride. March 9, exactly one year from the day we found out we were having a little girl. There was a time when I would have had to write about that on the very day, to mark the one year milestone, but I just didnt get to it. After the ride, dinner with friends, I was simply exhausted and went to bed. I definitely suffer from the early pregnancy fatigue.

I suppose that's another sign of my healing, that I dont have to mention the anniversary of finding out we would be buying a lot of pink, until a few days have passed.

But, I saw my doctor today, the second time this week, and he gave me yet another reason to love him. (My favorite doctor, by the way, the different one from who I saw the other day, the one who's going to Iraq.) He asked how I was feeling about everything, the pregnancy, my anxiety, etc, and I told him that the depression still finds its way to the surface. I said how everyone notices and points out how much better I'm doing and how much better I look, and with the therapy and the new pregnancy, everything must be ok now, right? His response was something I've said myself... and something that is extremely sensitive and compassionate and totally surprising coming from a man: he said "they do that because they WANT you to feel better, because they care about you, but also because it's MUCH easier on THEM if you're better now. It's easier to handle." Wow,seriously, what do I need a therapist for?? Can't I just have him?

I know I *am* doing better. He pointed it out too, and the other doctor had told him already, "she looks great" and he was so happy to see it for himself. I told him I was so sad that he was leaving, how I wanted him and the other doctor (the one I saw Monday) to do my c-section and he said "yea, I know, we wanted that too" which is also just so nice to hear. It means so much to me that he's upset that he'll miss the birth too. I love that they've already discussed it behind the scenes and I can tell that they really care about me. He assured me that even though he's leaving, he's still going to be the one making the plan for me, and the other doctors will follow it after he leaves.

He also said that my blood levels came back consistent with very early pregnancy, and he was reassured that there would have been no reason to see anything on ultrasound on Monday. It was redrawn today to make sure it is still rising, so it was good that I was neurotic and wanted to go back 2 days later! My progesterone level came back slightly low. Nothing that would concern him too much, but for me, he's taking extra extra precautions, so he gave me the choice for a progesterone suppplement, if I wanted it, and of course I said yes, because it will significantly decrease my chances of miscarriage. When I went to pick it up, it was a whopping $365 per month, for 3 months. I said to the pharmacist, knowing full well it wasnt her doing, "JEEZ! This is so my baby doesnt die!! How could it not be covered?!" After 17 phone calls, I'm going to be taking a different brand that I have to drive an hour to a freakin apothecary to get. Anything for the well being of my baby, I would have paid the $1000 if I had to, but it just goes right along with my path where nothing is easy. In the process of all the phone calls and trying to return the diamond-studded progesterone, I also locked my keys in the car. In the rain. Uh huh.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and messages of support. Along the same lines of "thinking I'm all better because it's easier that way", I have noticed a lot of people coming back out of the woodwork to congratulate me. I don't really feel like congratulations are in order yet, I want to be congratulated when I know I get to bring the baby home, but I appreciate it anyway. It's what you say when someone gets pregnant, and it's what you say again when the baby is born, unless the baby dies. Then, unfortunately sometimes for the parents, you say nothing at all. I also appreciate so many of you who have apologized and recognized that you havent said much until there was something happy to talk about again. I know it's not easy, not for the bereaved, and not for those who dont know WHAT to say, and especially a bit impersonal if the only real way you had to contact me was on facebook. I just wish I would have known you were praying for me all along. There were so many times I felt so alone, and yet I had so many people praying for me that I didnt even know about.

My baby died for no reason, you all know how strongly I feel about that. I feel just as strongly that beauty can come ashes. So I'm telling you this with the kindest sincerity: when someone dies, and you're afraid to say the wrong thing... just simply say "I'm sorry, I'm thinking of you." You can even say "I dont know what else to say!" It's not uncomfortable for the person you're saying it to, even if it's uncomfortable for you.

Two and a half more weeks until my next scan, where hopefully the heartbeat will be visible. And just a few more hours until my bloodwork comes in again.. hopefully with good news that the levels are rising.

Tonight's freakout: a crumb sized dot of superglue on my finger. Again, can't you just see it on the American Journal of Obstetrics Full term stillbirth linked to drop of superglue on mother's finger at 5 weeks gestation

Buckle up; gonna be a bumpy ride.

Motorcycles don't have seatbelts..