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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

i'm not normal.

article: "New Mom Body Bummers"



magazine: "American Baby"





"..Remember, though postpartum aches and pains may be frustrating, they're only temporary- and the fleeting souvenirs of bringing your amazing newborn into the world. And, thankfully, she's here to stay."



Well, that's an empty guarantee, eh?



I should know better than to read these magazines for normal pregnant people. I should be reading "Trying Again" and "Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss." Am I trying to be normal? To read the magazines that I so dreamily read through the first time? I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I've already named this baby. I've already bought things for this baby. I've already planned some things for March and April. I'm counting this baby.



And then I have this horrifying feeling that it's all too good to be true. Will this one be "here to stay?" Will this one plan my funeral in 60 years? I have practiced for 7 years as a policewife on just not thinking of all the bad things that could happen while my husband is at work. But you can never become "used to it." I didn't even get the chance to act as a real mother before every mother's biggest worry, worst nightmare, the one she tries not to think about, came true for me. I'm terrified. I don't want any more of my babies to die. Terrifed.



Screw "American Baby" for making promises they can't keep. I'm supposed to put my faith in my awesome God, not some stupid magazine for the society that denies that babies ever die. But faith in God doesn't protect me from the feelings, worries, and emotions that make me human. God understands what happened, but I don't, and I shouldn't be expected not to grieve for what I lost and worry for what I still have to come.


Anyway, my first trimester screen came back normal.. I use the doppler anywhere from 0-2 times per day, and it's always between 147 and 164. Everything looks healthy and on time. My next appointment is October 6... the anatomy scan ! Normal results for a totally non-normal feeling Mommy.

3 comments:

  1. What a great post, Beth, love it. So, so true... thinking of you and your little birdie!

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  2. I'm glad everything is looking good! And I understand exactly what you mean...I always have these same thoughts. I wish I could push them away, but sometimes it's just not possible.

    (((hugs)))

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  3. Hooray for good news from your screening. Every little bit helps!

    I read those magazines with such monologue running through my head. It'd probably shock people if they knew what was going through my mind as I read.

    Always with a touch of, "Oh really?"

    I often get aggravated when people tell me just to have faith and that I need to give it to God. I have faith. I don't have to give it to Him because I am well aware of the fact that it's His whether I give it to him or not.

    But none of us wants to suffer; none of us wants to hurt. And if we are really honest Christians, we know that the life of a Christian was certainly not guaranteed to be free and easy.

    So I think it is more a matter of not having faith that it will work out the way I want or feel it should, but that I'll survive it. That's realistic, and really all I can muster up most days.

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