dreams

.i dreamed of kathlyn last night. this is about the 4th or the 5th time i've dreamed of her. each time, she has been dead, or alive but i knew she was about to die. my brain wont allow, even for a second of my unconscious, for my heart to think she's alive. my brain knows my heart would shatter once again to have to wake back up from that. so even in my dreams, she's still dead. despite that, the feel of her 7 pounds in my arms was a temporary cure for my grief. i wish i could hold her like that every night.



the details of the dream are too strange to share. all my dreams lately are very strange; i guess those are "pregnancy dreams". but in the dream, even though she was dead, she cried, stretched, and spit up. it's not really that strange that she spit up, because the whole time i was holding her in real life on july 30, i was afraid her meconium would expel (what a thing to be thinking of when bonding for the one and only time with your daughter).



i heard her cry... i have never, ever heard that before, not for real, not in my imagination or my dreams. and, i saw her eyes. since i never saw them in real life, my dreams have never showed them to me. my dreams have even teased me before, where i was about to see her eyes and at the last second she closes them. but there they were... such a shining, sparkly, icy blue. they were amazing. i put a new diaper on her. and a pair of green and pink kitty cat pajamas. and swaddled her in a pink, white, and yellow flower blanket. and held her. i remember thinking in my real conscious (i knew i was dreaming) what a gift it was to hear those cries, see her stretch and get an idea of her body movements, see her eyes, and dress her.. things i never got to do. and i just wanted to hold her to my chest, heart to heart, baby blue eyes on my shoulder, and never let go.



i close my eyes.. only for a moment and the moment's gone..