July 30

Today wasn't supposed to mean anything. Tomorrow was supposed to be her birthday.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm supposed to be getting last minute stuff together for the memorial tonight. I wish I could sleep longer. As of now, she was gone. I suppose I don't know that for sure, but so they say, it often happens during maternal sleep. (Um, how am I EVER supposed to sleep during my third trimester?!) I found out at 11am. I spent 7 long hours in a hospital staring at the wall and crying, and she was born by c-section at 6:28. My guests are set to arrive at 6:30. I should have started earlier so we could do the balloon release at 6:28. It's ok.. it means we'll be releasing them at the time we were holding her. Releasing these balloons *does not* symbolize letting her go. I will never, ever let go. It was hard enough to let go of her physically this night a year ago. I will be talking about her more often than every day for the rest of my life. She's still my baby. My little angel baby forever. Those were the words I whispered to her right after she was born. "I'm so sorry my baby. My little angel baby forever." I will never forget her closed eyes and perfect nose peeking out from behind the blanket with her sweet pink and white hat as the nurse cradled her to show me. I was still lying flat on the operating table, so I couldn't get a good look. But God, she was beautiful.

The text message that so many of you still don't believe:

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. We lost our angel Kathlyn Joy before she had the chance to bless this earth. We don't know why. No calls please."

I was told from those who received that text that there were still people who didn't know yet congratulating me on facebook on "my big day tomorrow" after she was already gone. Most people deleted them after they found out, so I never saw them. And every day since then, I get at least 50 if not 100 messages a day. Today, between 1am and 8am, I have already received 49.

Thank you for carrying me in your hearts, so I may have the strength to carry her in mine.

I love you my princess. Send me something pink today so I know you're safe. And get all your little baby angels to help you catch the balloons.