Our Blessings

Sunday, July 18, 2010

tuesday's ultrasound / approaching birthday

I had a very healthy ultrasound on Tuesday... such a relief! I've been working every day since then, so I didn't get a chance to post until now. The heartbeat was instantly visable and it was 108.. poor LC's was only 84 at this point in her pregnancy :( I am now past the point that I lost her. It is such reassuring news, but makes me all the more devastated that she never had a chance. Such conflicting emotions.. I wouldnt have my little birdie if little cherry was still ok... I love them both so much though. I want them both. I prayed for them both. I need them both. I long for them both. I will love them both forever.

As Kathlyn's birthday approaches I am spending more time planning and planning and planning and buying things for her memorial. It's actually a positive experience for me. I miss her beyond any words could describe.. it's the paradox of grief and guilt (thanks Franchesca).. feeling and looking better only makes the bereaved feel we are denying our angels. But it's ALL for her. There are K's everywhere in this house, in my art, on my body (jewelry), hanging from my purse and keys. I have to change my outfit if there's no pink. Her picture is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last when I go to bed. I cry morning, day, and night, inside and outside of my heart.

July 16, one year from the unsuccessful version procedure, came and went. My doctors gave two valient tries to get her to turn head-down, but she was stubborn. She never brady'd or decelled even the slightest bit. She was untouched, healthy, strong. I had a four hour NST after the procedure, and scheduled her c-section for Friday, July 31, 2009, at 39 weeks. She was on her way! She had two healthy NSTs on July 21 and July 28 as well. What happened my dear? Mommy is so, so sorry. I wish you had brady'd on July 16, 2009, sent for an urgent section at 36 and a half weeks, and this week we would have celebrated your first birthday with a pink party dress and hairbow and sandals and pink cupcakes.

I'm so sorry my baby. I didn't know.


  1. So glad birdie is blossoming. Always remembering Kathlyn and Baby Cherry with you. xo

  2. I'm very glad the US was good!! I know her memorial will be a wonderful celebration for her. I'm sorry that she isn't here with you now.

  3. Glad to hear about your healthy appointment. So, so happy to hear about little birdie! Sounds like quite the celebration/remembrance you are planning for Kathlyn, beautiful!

  4. I found your blog in my travels (do all of us babylost mamas spend endless weeks researching and devouring everything we can find on the subject?)

    I know this is an old post, but I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my little girl about three weeks ago...she died a day before her 38th week. Perfect, healthy baby. Healthy mama too. No idea what happened. The not knowing is the hardest.

    Moms like you give me hope that it gets better with time. I hope that I am blessed with a take-home baby someday. In the meantime, it's just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.