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Sunday, July 11, 2010

crying

I have cried every day for the past 345, precisely. Some days it has been just a few tears before bed or before getting up, some days it's while watching or listening to something, or writing or reading or talking or driving, some days it's repressed with all my might at an inappropriate time, and some days it's sobs heard round the world with enough tears to dehydrate. Some days it lasts only a minute, some days, hours or simply every waking moment Sometimes it's in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up already crying. Sometimes I'm alone and tell no one, sometimes I call someone at that moment or after I'm calm again. Sometimes I'm not alone, whether at home or out, and people know I'm doing it, and sometimes even at a crowded table, no one notices.

Grief is not measured by how many times you cry, but for her, i have cried an ocean. Wouldn't you? HAVE you?


Today I felt like I had nothing to do (because I dont, imagine that). I just wanted a lazy or busy Saturday with my daughter. To combat this heartbreak, I slept and slept and slept, and by the time I gathered myself, it was after 8:30pm and everyone already had plans for the night and already eaten dinner. At least this is what I assume, because not a single person answered their phone, except my forever loyal husband. I told him I was lonely, and he said how it would just be one more night of work and we'd have 3 days together. We hung up the phone and I burst into tears. I want my baby. I want this pregnancy to be ok. I want my husband to be home. I feel so alone. I had trouble deciding if this was grief or hormones because lately my cries have been the softer, quieter kind, but this time I could not control the volume or the depth.. and what reason did I have to do that anyway? The dogs, also forever loyal, came to the bed check on me and I said "let's go see Daddy." I got dressed, put them in the car, and off we went. I saw him for only 10 or 15 minutes, if that, had a piece of pizza and a salad on a restaurant's outside patio, walked through the city streets being complimented about my beautiful dogs, realized again how I dont miss the bar life at all, and that I'd much rather be complimented for having the most beautiful baby girl anyone has ever seen. I have come to realize that everyone I know without a daughter truly believes that she is. why isnt she here?! WHY?! She died for no reason! her name was torn right from my heart, leaving a fresh wound that should have rendered it unbeatable like hers, yet it beats on somehow, with something more and something less to it. i bought some new sunglasses the other day, with a sweet pink butterfly on the side rim, and they've already cracked on the lens, and yet they are still perfectly functioning; the crack is not directly in my line of site, but I know it's there, and I know people notice it easily.

Now I'm back in bed where I lay only 5 or 6 hours ago. I saw my husband, gave the pups a little extra attention, picked up ice cream on the way home, and all that's left to do is sleep and cry.

2 comments:

  1. Crying seem so incredibly natural and a huge part of my life now. It comes and goes, but is always behind the surface just waiting to come out. Thinking of you!!

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  2. Nope...not a single day since Matthew died without tears...as you said, some more than others...but never without them. It's so tiring...don't be too hard on yourself for sleeping--you are growing a human at the same time you are grieving--which is hard in itself.
    I'm so sorry they aren't with you...

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