ride, part two

I wrote a note on September 2 that I consider to be one of my best, called "ride". Anytime someone wants to read my entries who hasnt before, and I'm telling them that it's very long, I always alert them to a few of my favorites and that's always one of them.

John and I went on the bike again for the first time this season. It's obviously way too cold in the winter. I was reminded of that ride we took in September, and how we are one on the bike. I said in that entry "if he dies, I die." As he guided the bike out of the garage, it crossed my mind, as it often does, how easily he could die on that thing. And that this time, if he crashed, I would die too. I seem to be preoccupied with (and, terrified of) the subject. At the risk of upsetting a few of you (ok, maybe a lot of you), I dont think I'd really mind if I died, but the idea of John or this new baby dying is something I absolutely will not be able to bear. So there is a sense of relief that I was getting on the bike with him: if he dies, I die too. As opposed to the many times he rides on the bike without me: he dies alone.

I am "saying" this so matter-of-factly, as if in a normal every day conversation about groceries or housework. Just an every day thing. I'm terrified of it happening, but I understand the reality that none of us are safe. My two greatest losses in life, I had absolutely zero time to prepare for. They snuck up on med and attacked without warning. Imagine surviving a strike of lightning or getting hit by a train that you didn't see coming.

I always love the motorcycle rides... I'm alone with my husband and the wind and sky. I don't have to do anything, and I can think about whatever I want or nothing at all. I "wrote" most of the original "ride" while I was on the bike. This time, it was mostly just song lyrics running through my head.. things Kathlyn might be saying to me.

It was March 9, the day of that ride. March 9, exactly one year from the day we found out we were having a little girl. There was a time when I would have had to write about that on the very day, to mark the one year milestone, but I just didnt get to it. After the ride, dinner with friends, I was simply exhausted and went to bed. I definitely suffer from the early pregnancy fatigue.

I suppose that's another sign of my healing, that I dont have to mention the anniversary of finding out we would be buying a lot of pink, until a few days have passed.

But, I saw my doctor today, the second time this week, and he gave me yet another reason to love him. (My favorite doctor, by the way, the different one from who I saw the other day, the one who's going to Iraq.) He asked how I was feeling about everything, the pregnancy, my anxiety, etc, and I told him that the depression still finds its way to the surface. I said how everyone notices and points out how much better I'm doing and how much better I look, and with the therapy and the new pregnancy, everything must be ok now, right? His response was something I've said myself... and something that is extremely sensitive and compassionate and totally surprising coming from a man: he said "they do that because they WANT you to feel better, because they care about you, but also because it's MUCH easier on THEM if you're better now. It's easier to handle." Wow,seriously, what do I need a therapist for?? Can't I just have him?

I know I *am* doing better. He pointed it out too, and the other doctor had told him already, "she looks great" and he was so happy to see it for himself. I told him I was so sad that he was leaving, how I wanted him and the other doctor (the one I saw Monday) to do my c-section and he said "yea, I know, we wanted that too" which is also just so nice to hear. It means so much to me that he's upset that he'll miss the birth too. I love that they've already discussed it behind the scenes and I can tell that they really care about me. He assured me that even though he's leaving, he's still going to be the one making the plan for me, and the other doctors will follow it after he leaves.

He also said that my blood levels came back consistent with very early pregnancy, and he was reassured that there would have been no reason to see anything on ultrasound on Monday. It was redrawn today to make sure it is still rising, so it was good that I was neurotic and wanted to go back 2 days later! My progesterone level came back slightly low. Nothing that would concern him too much, but for me, he's taking extra extra precautions, so he gave me the choice for a progesterone suppplement, if I wanted it, and of course I said yes, because it will significantly decrease my chances of miscarriage. When I went to pick it up, it was a whopping $365 per month, for 3 months. I said to the pharmacist, knowing full well it wasnt her doing, "JEEZ! This is so my baby doesnt die!! How could it not be covered?!" After 17 phone calls, I'm going to be taking a different brand that I have to drive an hour to a freakin apothecary to get. Anything for the well being of my baby, I would have paid the $1000 if I had to, but it just goes right along with my path where nothing is easy. In the process of all the phone calls and trying to return the diamond-studded progesterone, I also locked my keys in the car. In the rain. Uh huh.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and messages of support. Along the same lines of "thinking I'm all better because it's easier that way", I have noticed a lot of people coming back out of the woodwork to congratulate me. I don't really feel like congratulations are in order yet, I want to be congratulated when I know I get to bring the baby home, but I appreciate it anyway. It's what you say when someone gets pregnant, and it's what you say again when the baby is born, unless the baby dies. Then, unfortunately sometimes for the parents, you say nothing at all. I also appreciate so many of you who have apologized and recognized that you havent said much until there was something happy to talk about again. I know it's not easy, not for the bereaved, and not for those who dont know WHAT to say, and especially a bit impersonal if the only real way you had to contact me was on facebook. I just wish I would have known you were praying for me all along. There were so many times I felt so alone, and yet I had so many people praying for me that I didnt even know about.

My baby died for no reason, you all know how strongly I feel about that. I feel just as strongly that beauty can come ashes. So I'm telling you this with the kindest sincerity: when someone dies, and you're afraid to say the wrong thing... just simply say "I'm sorry, I'm thinking of you." You can even say "I dont know what else to say!" It's not uncomfortable for the person you're saying it to, even if it's uncomfortable for you.

Two and a half more weeks until my next scan, where hopefully the heartbeat will be visible. And just a few more hours until my bloodwork comes in again.. hopefully with good news that the levels are rising.


Tonight's freakout: a crumb sized dot of superglue on my finger. Again, can't you just see it on the American Journal of Obstetrics Full term stillbirth linked to drop of superglue on mother's finger at 5 weeks gestation

Buckle up; gonna be a bumpy ride.

Motorcycles don't have seatbelts..