back and forth

On Friday when I got home from work, I really dont know what made me decide to take a pregnancy test. John was in bed having trouble sleeping, and I was kneeling on the bathroom floor squinting at the test when the faint little 2nd pink line appeared and I think my reaction was that I laughed. I went to our room to tell him, and he gave me a thumbs up. Everyone has been asking "what did John say?!" and I guess he is just a man of few words when it comes to emotional sentiments. The most profound and emotional thing he said was later, when I asked "is this too good to be true? do you believe there will be a baby in our house this year?", he said "seeing is believing." So I know he's nervous and cautious too. When he got home from work, he said he had told a few of his coworkers... that to me, was proof that he's excited too.

I'm having a hard time trusting this whole thing... John hit it square on when he said "seeing is believing." How can I possibly buy anything for this new baby when there is no guarantee that s/he'll come home with us this time? How can I possibly NOT buy anything though... if my sweet little cherry baby were to die (please God, no!) and I have a million things for Kathlyn in the house and nothing for that baby?? That's just as heartbreaking. I am being pulled in so many directions. I remember sitting in the hospital bed on July 31, and maybe even on the 30th before I delivered, that I "won't be able to do this again." "This" referring to being pregnant. THIS. How am I doing THIS?! It's been less than 4 days. Time is creeping by.

I made a few calls after I found out. I had just worked the entire night, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. My mom burst into tears. My friends mostly screamed and said "are you serious?!" I got a lot of congratulations, but I wish those were actually in order. I remember another mom wanting to say, Congratulations for what?

On the way to the doctor today, John and I exchanged some banter in the car and I caught myself laughing. What a sad thing, when you notice your own laughter because its occurances are so few and far between. I was wondering if John was thinking it is nice to have his wife back. That's what everyone said for weeks.. that John lost his baby and most of his wife. At the doctor's office, everyone smiles at me and points outloud that I'm smiling too. For awhile there, that occurance, especially in that office, was also very few and far between. They are all so happy for me. It seems that hippa does not apply to me (I dont mind at all, prefer it that way) and the news of my pregnancy has spread through that office like wildfire. Except to that lab technician, who asked if this was my first pregnancy. I said no, second. And that was the end of the conversation. Phew.

But I'm still fighting this depression. If I had any worries myself (and I admit that I did) that a new pregnancy would mean a replacement baby, I don't have to worry about that anymore. (How nice to scratch ONE worry off the list). It is tearing me apart because when I realize it's *not* a replacement baby, I think to myself "but I want Kathlyn!" And then I have the guilt that I'm rejecting my new baby. I love this baby too! I want them both! It's all just so back and forth all the time. I'm sleeping a lot again, which is expected in early pregnancy, but I know my mind needs the break too.

I also know this is not a replacement baby that just causes "all to be well now" because the depression and aches for Kathlyn are still very prominent. I "forget" that I'm pregnant, and at times decide I just don't feel like getting up or doing anything. I'm not interested in cleaning or going out or exercising or playing with the dogs or spending time with John. 70 degrees and sunny? So? What's your point? Am I supposed to enjoy 70 degrees and sunny? Because I really don't care. The feelings of obligation to enjoy 70 degrees and sunny just make me want to pull the covers over my head and sleep more. I still prefer the rain. My therapy, my family, my friends, going back to work, my meds, my new baby, not a single one of them cures my grief for my baby girl. It's still not ok that she died, and it never will be. It's still a daily battle for me.

This pregnancy has already been starkly different from the first one. Two hours after I found out... I proceeded to throw up all over the bathroom. This was not pregnancy nausea and vomiting though, I think this was something I caught from work.. I haven't thrown up in seriously 10 years, since I was at Rutgers. I have never thrown up from drinking, never caught a stomach bug from the hospital, never threw up in Katie's pregnancy... but I think my immune defenses are down and that's why this happened. Was that a preview to the next 33 weeks? I hope not. That was miserable. Not quite as miserable, but still totally sucks, is the sinus infection I've also caught from work. I recognize this mucus, I've been suctioning it out of patients' trachs for 2 weeks and now it's in my own nose. Sorry for the visual, but my coworkers understand. What a lovely way to remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my little rainbow-after-the-storm baby.. fluids coming out every opening of my body.

If you're still reading after all that, I know you're in it for the long haul.. the back and forth, the good, the bad, the ugly. Be warned, I'm a nurse, I'm depressed, I have a dead baby, and absolutely no modesty left. Fair game for pretty much anything.


Based on my last period, my due date would be October 31.. Halloween. The day of the dead. Thanks, but no thanks. No more tricks for me, I've earned the treat. I know it's not accurate anyway, because my ovulation was delayed, so I'm guessing my due date is more like Nov 14. My doctor knew I'd still want to be seen today though, so he let me come in and even let me have an ultrasound, which he performed himself.

That room. That was the room. The last time I was in that room, my life turned upside down, and hasn't flipped back yet. I can still see my remains splattered on the floor. Stained. I had to relive that moment today. This was the table I laid on. That was the wand that couldn't picture my baby's heart beating. That was the chair my mom was sitting in. This was the pillow. That was the screen I stared at, hoping.

I wondered if I should tell my doctor that was the same room. There are actually two u/s rooms.

I didn't mention it.

I wonder if he thought of it himself?

It doesn't matter if he did or not. He is amazing. He tolerates my millions of questions and understands why I ask them even though I know the answer to most of them. Such as, is it ok to use bacitracin? Seriously. Who THINKS of that?! Can you just see it now: Full term Stillbirth linked to Triple Antibiotic Ointment use During Pregnancy. as the latest article in the American Journal of Obstetrics.

The most comforting thing he said was about how he knows it's not quite to the same magnitude, but that he and the rest of the team of doctors are nervous just as I am. They want so badly for it to work out too, so they will make a plan together and do everything they can to ensure it works out differently this time.

Part of me is so heartbroken though, because the doctor I saw today is actually my second favorite (a close second, though) even though he's the one who delivered Kathlyn. My true favorite wasnt available today, but I better get used to it because he's going to be deployed to Iraq when I deliver! :( :( :( When the doctor today told me that, he added "and I'm not going to Iraq to deliver your baby" which is hilarious because I had already said a few months ago to one of the nurses "if he's going to Iraq, I'm going with him!" so I guess this doctor sensed that I might joke like that! I really wanted both of them to deliver since there are always two during a c-section, so I will have to pick someone else as my second doctor instead. John, my wonderful man of few words, said "I really think he wants to deliver anyway, since he did last time and it was so hard, he wants to give us a happier delivery." I have to agree with that, I think this doctor would be more than honored to deliver me again. And I'm definitely going to let him, I just cannot help that my heart literally aches when I think about my true favorite not being here. I love him, I trust him, I wanted to share this experience with him, so I'm very sad. I still want to see him as much as possible before he leaves and I want him involved in as much planning and decision making as possible.

There wasn't anything to see on ultrasound, which of course makes me nervous. But I should know better. I'm only 4 weeks, maybe less, so I knew we wouldnt see a heartbeat today, but I was hoping to see SOMETHING! But there was just barely something that might be the beginnings of a sac. And he said everything else looks healthy, which is nice to hear after a c-section. If my bloodwork numbers come out on the low side, that will also indicate that I'm very early in pregnancy and there's no reason to think there'd be anything to see today. I have another scan in 3 weeks.. I will probably be 7 weeks at that point. Last time at 6 weeks, we saw the heartbeat.

It will be a long, long 3 weeks. And then 30 more after that. Praying more often than every second.