time away

We had a nice time in Charleston this weekend. It's nice to get away from work, the house, the chores, and spend some quality time with our friends and our faith. For the first time in 8 months, I did not resent the sun. I found on the way home though, as it poured rain, for that to be comforting too.

I honestly think if I wasnt pregnant, I would not have enjoyed myself. At all. Because Charleston on the Church Marriage Retreat was constant reminders of my pregnancy last year. This was supposed to be the first time we left Kathlyn overnight. If I had no prospects of that hope again, I would have been devastated. I "announced" my pregnancy, again like last year, as we went around the room to introduce ourselves, even though in that church, my story pretty much preceeds me. Regardless, I got a round of applause. My pastor told me when I saw him again today that I have more people praying for me than maybe he's known anyone to ever be prayed for, and that means a lot coming from such a popular pastor.

It was very different to have just the adults in my church and none of the babies. I love those babies from the bottom of my broken heart... to not have them there feels very strange. I would say part of me was relieved... it wasnt just babies everywhere and a reminder that mine is missing while the others are being fawned over and passed around (by me included, I love to hold them too). But then again, it's a horrible reminder that she's missing, when they're ALL missing. What would it be like without any of them? It would be nice for maybe a day to just be the adults, but it's just not the same. It's so much more terrible than it is a relief... LIFE IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT THE BABIES.

This is the life I have ahead of me. I missed those three baby girls, someone else's children, over one weekend; imagine the emptiness in my heart every day for as long as I live, without my own flesh and blood.

What's it going to be like, when I have one of my own (pretty please!??!?!), and yet one is still missing. It's as they all say, the baby-bereaved: Life is just full of sad-happy moments. So is the joy to finally raise a crying, hungry, pooping, living child, and yet a minutely reminder of what was missed the first time around.

I am waiting impatiently for... well, pretty much every milestone in pregnancy. I want to see my baby's heartbeat, even though I'm quite sure it will be the same room where I saw my first baby's heart, but not beating. I want to know what the gender is. I want to know that it's healthy. I want to see the belly growing. I want to feel this baby kick, and kick, and kick, and always kick so I never have to wonder if it's alive. This baby has already been named (not telling), although pending approval from Daddy on the new girl's name. We had a name picked out, quite a lovely one, but a movie coming out soon, the star will be named the gorgeous, exotic, never-heard name that I had picked out for the middle. I wanted it to be something no one had ever known anyone with that name... now it's gonna be "oooohhh! after the girl in that movie!!!" Actually, no. And that's part of the reason we're not telling the name ahead of time, because I got too many unsolicited opinions on my names. I want to do some of the things differently this time... so the name will just be between us.

I have pictures to show, and a sweet story about writing Kathlyn's name in the sand in Charleston, but uploading is a pain and I don't feel like it right now. I'm too busy being worried.