second baby's first ultrasound

Photos here.


I have been looking forward to today for 3 weeks... well actually... for 8 months. But 3 weeks since the appointment was made I was counting the days. The ultrasound tech and room were both different from when we lost Kathlyn, but I know that tech remembers me too. She was training the new one. (The one who delivered the news no one should ever have to hear, doesnt work there anymore.) Despite the fact that she was training, she said absolutely nothing the entire actual scan. I was shaking so hard the tissue paper under me was rattling.

Last year, at my first ultrasound, I was 6 weeks, she zoomed right in on the baby, and immediately the heartbeat, which was 110. She said "that's good, that will go up." She measured the baby, labeled her as "baby" and differentiated the yolk sac.

This time, I saw a perfect circle, but she grazed right over it and measured my ovaries about 4 times each. I was sure the baby was dead. Why focus on the ovaries unless you were wondering what went wrong. She zoomed back in on the baby, zoomed in again, and again, and again, as if she was looking for something more that just the sac, and it felt like a million years until I saw the heartbeat. She clicked on "early gestation." then she clicked on "HR" (heartrate) and the little EKG strip appeared at the bottom for her to measure the beats. (The strip I so desperately looked for on July 30, 11am, with Kathlyn, and never saw.) The first measure was 86.

Fuck.

The second measure, 94. She stopped the ultrasound, I say again, after absolutely NO words of reassurance, because she had none.

She printed the pictures, didn't give me one, and said "the baby is measuring behind and the heartbeat is low... so we'll see what the doctor says." I hugged John and he tried to tell me not to panic. We went into the next room and I burst into tears and laid down, thinking WHY?! WHY GOD?! WHY AGAIN!? HAVENT I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ADVERSITY?! WHY CANT IT JUST BE OK THIS TIME?! I was so sad I didn't get a picture and was thinking the worst must be about to happen; but not that I'm not used to having pictures of my dead child all over the house already. I still want a picture if the baby dies!

I know Dr. Finlon was seeing everyone else so he could see me last like they always do. He came in, shook John's hand, and gave me a hug, and handed me my picture, which is a blob but it's MY blob and I'm in love with it. He said "we know this is going to be a rollercoaster the whole time." He told me he wasnt blowing smoke, that he acknowledges and understands the anxiety, but that it's just that I'm 6 weeks instead of 7, the heartrate should be over 100 but we're close, and the shape and size look normal. (sometimes the sac or baby can look "distorted" or something.) He just expects to see one week normal growth next week when I have another scan, and at that time we'll set the accurate due date based on the two scans. He said he won't lie or give false hope, that I have the same 15-20% miscarrage risk that everyone has. My "unfortunate obstetric history" doesnt raise my risk for miscarriage, and miscarriage and stillbirth happen for different reasons (most of which are unknown.) I forgot to ask if my HCG or progesterone should or could be redrawn to make sure they're in the right direction, and I forgot to get my pap that was due. I think he just knew I'd been through enough and we can do it next week. A pap smear! Just what I want for my 30th birthday! I will take 1000 pap smears every birthday for the rest of my life, over a miscarriage. I also forgot most of my questions, the only one I remembered was the stupid "ask a doctor before taking these PRENATAL vitamins if you are pregnant." Of course, it's fine.

Part of the problem with the tech, was that based on my last period, I was due Oct 31, so she looked at that and saw that I should be 9 weeks, and saw this tiny 6 week size baby. She didnt know what we and the doctors already know... that we know that's inaccurate because we know I ovulated much later than that.

So That's part of why she scared me and was so quiet... because SHE was probably scared too.


I told him I was impressed the other day when I called with a question, and one of the doctors I dont know as well was the one to answer, but she made it clear that she was familiar with my case right away. I am so attached to my favorite two or three doctors, and I told him that, but that I was happy to see was familiar with my case too, and he said "they all are." It's a huge practice... so that is very good to know. When scheduling my next appointment, he wrote a request for me to see him or the other favorite specifically. Last time, I just saw whoever was on. It's comforting to know they'll let me see who I want, but also that I'm in good hands with the others too.

Such an emotional day... but what else is new...

Keep growing my little cherry... Mommy loves you so much!