little pink birdie

i'm so in love.

it's a girl. a sister. a daughter. a healthy baby with every organ of the right shape and size working as it should. she has a name, but we aren't sharing it yet. asking will not make me share it any faster. i will share when i am
ready <3 if you're curious, the boy's name would have been shane william davis. i still love it and hope i guess to use it later :)


i am so in love with this baby. i was thinking on the way home from the scan how much i really do. it's amazing to feel that strong love for kathlyn a second time. i never doubted that i would love all my children the same; i've heard a lot of people wonder how they could love more children as much as the first. i have never felt this before. such a strong love for two individuals at once. i love them both so much.



it doesnt come without guilt and ambivalence though. i never got to love my little cherry with this intensity. i loved her, i loved the idea of her, and i wanted her as badly as i want the other two, but i never got to see her looking and moving like a real baby. i never knew her. it feels so sad and unfair. but i truly believe i will know her someday.. all beause of the Glory of God. it's also very scary to love my lady-bird this much.. i can probably never reach a place where i'm convinced this isn't just too good to be true. will i really get to take her home? i just blindly assumed i would take kathlyn home. i can't do that now. this time with my new daughter is so beyond precious.



Please God, please let me take this one home, and I will raise her to know You. Thank you for my children. I know they are Yours, but I love them so much.



I prayed that same prayer when I was pregnant with Kathlyn. If it's possible, I might be more devastated if I lose this baby. I shiver at the thought; it is hard to imagine there is a "worse" than what i've already been through.



i walked into a store today, and this little baby just kathlyn's age, unmistakably looked right at me and said "baby!" i heard her parents later say that she was 15 months. kathlyn would be 14 right now. i wonder if it was a coincidence.. but whatever it is that made her say that, i know kathlyn is ALWAYS right by me.



yesterday i had a less pleasant encounter in a store. i was looking at the most darling pink puppy outfit (pink puppies, cherries, birdies, love them :) and this woman walked into the store, speaking quite loudly on her cell phone as she walked. rude, if you ask me. no one really needs to hear your conversation in the confines of this tiny mall store. here's what i heard:



"yea, i'm in gymboree. i know, it's so tempting to be in here, they just have the CUTEST stuff for girls. i'm always in trouble since i have two. can you believe that? ME.. i cant believe i have TWO girls, i spend so much money, i guess that was God's punishment to me for not being good, to have two girls."



you have GOT to be kidding me.



THIS is my example of "clueless". people who have no freaking idea what they have, what they take for granted, and what idiotic and selfish things come out of their mouths. i would give my four limbs to have my two girls, my three girls, whatever, just to have ALL my children present with me so i can overspend on clothes. your PUNISHMENT?! really?! if 2 girls is punishment, what word describes when one of your girls dies and you only have one left?



i remember another sad mommy, who lost her first baby, writing about when she was pushing her child on a swing and there were 2 mothers talking about "how hard it is to have two children". she had to walk away. it's MUCH harder to have two children, but only get to raise one of them... than it is to chase around two at once.



i couldnt walk away though. i had to buy the pink puppy outfit. along with a purple lambie outfit. for my baby girl.