worry

I dont know if this is because of tomorrow specifically, but I've had a lot of worries this week. The only reason I say it's not totally about tomorrow is that I've always had these worries. they're just manifesting all at once right now.



round ligament pain, decreased kicking, not kicking at all, deli meat, fish, hot dogs, soft cheese, soft serve ice cream, listeriosis, artificial sugar, refined sugar, caffeine, not enough water, not enough folic acid, too much vitamin A, constipation from too much iron, anemia from not enough iron, toxins in plastic, styrofoam, sleeping on your back, not sleeping enough, gingivitis, bleeding gums, anti-depressants, infection exposure at work. all these worries. in additon, worry itself is a problem.



but on top of that, what about the laundry list of things that could actually be wrong tomorrow?



i know - worrying about things doesnt help or change whether they will happen or not. because what about all that could be right and perfect tomorrow...



the raw truth is, kathlyn had nothing of those things wrong. nothing. makes it very difficult to rest easy or to feel safe. a healthy report tomorrow will be such a blessing.. but it wont make the worry stop.



i'm trying.. i'm really really tryng.



last night i had to put down the grief and pregnancy books and picked up a parody. it's called "what to expect when you're expected" and it's written from the point of view of a fetus, to a fetus.



hah.



the first line of the book was a preface from the stork, and it starts "first of all, fuck you" and i burst out laughing in the store. i knew this dark humor would be just what i needed in times like these. the traditional pregnancy magazines and books have proven to be too much for me (remember the line "these body blunders (like weight gain, leg cramps, other annoying ailments of pregnancy) will go away, but thankfully, the baby is here to stay!") - just can't read that anymore.



there's a part where the fetus is saying that Mommy will need lots of new clothes, and that she can either lose weight and need yet *another* set of new clothes after you're born, or choose to remain 40 pounds heavier for the rest of her life and keep wearing maternity clothes. and how Daddy will especially love shopping with her Sundays in the fall.



my personal favorites though -

"Should Mommy give up coffee for me? -

This is a matter of some controversy.. some studies have shown no link between caffeine and pregnancy.. so the consesus is that you're in no danger of Mom's coffee drinking, as long as it's in moderation (under forty cups a day). Frankly, this is one indulgence you might want to cut Mommy some slack on. She's already given up booze, marijuana, and horse tranquilizers for you, so it's a lot to expect of her to give up all chemical enhancement whatsoever. Yes, the caffeine may keep you up all night, but what, like you've gotta work tomorrow?"


hahah, that's so wrong. but it makes me laugh.

(click images to enlarge)


obviuosly my anxiety isn't "baseless", as it isn't for any of us bereaved mothers, but somehow, the dark humor of laughing at myself and my urges to call the office every day, helps just a little.. since I know I'm totally guilty of all of that. i bring pens and notepads to each appointment and i've brought printed articles too. he also talks of "anxiety as a more creative approach to useless worry" and taking a months-long tour through the "american museum of things that could theoretically happen but are extremely unlikely."

right.

whatever gets me through though.. prayer, my supporters, sick humor, or total denial of the horror that pregnancy can turn into (aka "hope").. i'll get thru it somehow. oh, and of course, with the help of unsolicited advice from clueless passer-bys, too.




8 more hours..


excerpts and photo from What to Expect When You're Expected by David Javerbaum