how it's gonna be..

I know this was to be expected.. everyone did. The nurses at my OB office have said they are surprised actually how *little* I've called so far. It's because of the doppler... anytime I needed reassurance that the baby was ok, that she was alive, I just used the doppler. Otherwise, I bet I would have been in there twice a week the entire first 24 weeks.



When she finally started kicking, I was constantly praising how often and strong her kicks are.. she kicks so much more often than Kathlyn ever did.. it makes me feel so guilty.. what if something was wrong with Kathlyn the whole time.. what if she was just weak? I didn't know.. I have nothing to compare it too. I didn't know.. I just didn't know.. would have done anything to save her... I didn't know she needed saving. I cried over this many times.. so happy that Glory's kicks seem so healthy but in so much regret for my precious firstborn. I saw Dr. F on Tuesday and he said every baby is different and I should NOT feel guilty over it... all Kathlyn's tests and checks were normal. She WAS a strong healthy baby.. we just dont know what happened at the end.. a horrible, unfathomable tragedy that strikes many full term babies.



So how exactly are all these reports that Glory is "strong, perfect, and looks great" supposed to reassure me? Kathlyn looked that way too. This is why I actually wanted her to have a defect or disease.. something we can rule out with Glory and the rest of my children. Not just "she was fine, and then died for no reason at full term." Fuck. YES, that merits a nasty curse word from a Christian woman. SHE DIED FOR NO REASON - FUCK!



2 days ago, I had to start eating my words about Glory being a good kicker. Normally, when I'm in the middle of something, and realize she hasnt kicked in awhile, if I lay down on my left, she'll deliver. She's so good to me. If I'm already laying down or asleep, and I wake up and she's not kickng... if get up, move around, and then lay down again, she'll deliver. Wednesday night, I was addressing Christmas cards, stuffing envelopes, sticking stamps, and I realized how quiet she was. Laid down. Nothing. Poked her. Nothing. Walked around, got a drink, laid down again... one little flutter that was entirely unconvincing. (It also doesnt help that I could feel Kathlyn kicking after we knew she had died.) Doppler to the rescue... HB 130s 140s.. She hates that thing.. it makes her kick and she turns away from it. My poor sweetheart has been subjected to that thing since she was 10 weeks old. I try not to use it now that she's kicking and I know she dosnt like it. So I tried to do a kick count.. 3 kicks in 20 minutes.. good average.. and I fell asleep before I could finish.



Thursday morning I got my glucose and bloodwork results.. everything was normal except my platelets are low... it's because I take aspirin in case i had a clot in my cord and that's what happened to Kathlyn. Will repeat before delivery and probably have to come off the aspirin. ugh.. how do we avoid a clot close to full term if I dont have the aspirin on board? Stressful. All of this. But anyone having surgery has to come off anti-coags before hand...so I figured that might happen anyway.



I got a great kick count in then.. 9 kicks in 15 minutes when I got that call about the bloodwork. I went back to bed beacuse I was supposed to work Thursday night. Woke up at 3pm.. nothing. Quiet. Still. Even after getting up for a drink. Come on baby... please?! Doppler again.. HB 130s-150s.. kicking at it as usual. I called a friend for reassurance. but she still thught I should go in. It's not just "oh she kicked once, she's ok now. It's a serious pattern change over less than 2 days. Except that I NEED my hours at work.. I need a certain amount in order to earn my full maternity leave. But at what cost? What if I go to work, and she's NOT ok?! My "maternity leave", again, wont be maternal at all.. so I called the office and the instant I say she's not kicking... the nurse doesnt even ask the doctor... with my history.. it's straight to the hospital. Good! I deserve that attention!



As soon as they strap the NST monitor around me, she goes nuts. Of course! Make a liar out of me. But it's such a musical sound.. kicks so hard that you cant even hear the heartbeat over them when she does it ... sweet sweet relief. So as we're talking and waiting for the doctor, in normal fashion, she squirms away from the monitor because she hates it as much as the doppler. So they were trying to find her heartbeat... FUN MEMORIES. Can't find it anywhere... praise God she was kicking... I dont do well with the whole monitor-searchng-for-heartbeat process. Done it twice and that as two times too many. They could hear the placenta too though, (which they couldnt with Kathlyn.. another sure sign it was over.) So the doctor came in and felt around for her, couldnt tell exactly where she was, so he did an ultrasound. SHE'S BREECH NOW. UGH!!!! She was so perfectly head down at 26 weeks. It doesnt matter at all for delivery that she's breech... I'm havng a section regardless.. and since she's moved, thats why we had such a drastic change in movement... we could see her legs kickng into the aminotic fluid, and I couldnt feel it, because sh's not kicking the uterus. Maybe thats why I couldnt feel Kathlyn as much, because she was breech too. So much for my strong frequent kicks from Glory.. they were so reassuring :( So the doctor was saying that she looks great, she's very active, what we got on the NST was perfect, plenty of fluid, all a good report. He said 1/3 of babies are breech at this point. I asked if breech babies are more likely to be stillborn.. more likely to compress the cord.. it's just so hard since we dont have a reason, I feel like Kathlyn maybe laid on her cord? Or tried to flip and cut off circulation? He said, emphatically, no, it's not more likely for stillbirth, but he knows he cant convince me and he kinda wishes I didnt know she was breech then :-/ He also said she could still turn back. After he left the room, I cried and said "I dont want her to be breech, I dont want her flipping back and forth, she's going to get tangled in her cord" and the nurse said "no she's not!"



Kathlyn, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. And Glory, I'm sorry too, that I'm a worried and overprotective mother. I love you both so much.



I have to hand it to those nurses, again. I saw a lot of them (I was there on shift change) and at least a few of them remember me.. they were saying "dont feel bad, you did the right thing, come in any time, better safe than sorry, we're 24 hours, we understand, etc etc." One of them said "see you when it's time!" and I said "no, I think you'll see me a few times before then" and we both laughed, and she said "and that's ok!"



8 weeks to go... let's try for less than 8 hospital trips, eh?