Tomorrow I'm having another ultrasound.. my first "growth scan". This is the 4th or so visit since, but first ultrasound since I had the big 18 week anatomy scan where we found out she's a she :) This was a relief for me.. not because I didnt want a boy.. I would have loved my son with all that I am.. but I was so afraid of the task of taking down Kathlyn's things.. her bedding, wall decor, curtains, and packing up her clothing like it's not needed and not loved anymore.
Today I did some nesting and turns out, it's still hard. We took down the "K D" from above her crib and put the new baby's name up. I took the nameplate off the door and put the new baby's nameplate up there too (though there is still a Kathlyn Painting perched above the doorframe, where it will stay forever and ever Amen.) The holes from the K D are still there, of course, and we dont have any more of the yellow paint to cover them, so it makes John not want to move them. He also meticulously put them up there over 18 months ago, and with his hardwood floor project coming up, he doesn want to make NEW holes on a DIFFERENT part of the wall for a "Kathlyn's Wall Area" of sorts. But you can't have it say "K D" over the new baby's crib. So do you move the crib altogether? Should it be in a new place for a new baby anyway? Am I dissing Kathlyn by moving her stuff, or dissing birdie by not making it her own? UGH. It's frustrating and sad.. I said to John in my frustration "why did our baby have to die?" Changes to her untouched and unseen nursery is yet another part of the cruel reality. John was busy trying to figure out how to hang everything. I made a sniffling sound, just because I'm a little congested. He looked back to see if I was crying. I wasnt. Not on the outside. But on the inside, I was. On the inside, I always am. Always. It's just a matter of when it physically comes out, which is less often than it used to be, but still every day. Usually when I'm alone and just quietly for a minute. But just because the physical sobs are less often, doesnt mean it hurts any less. I still need the thoughts and prayers. I still need you to ask about Kathlyn. I still need to hear her name. She still counts. She absolutely cannot be erased just because her sister is almost here. I’m going to talk about her as often as I want, and dare not be the person who thinks my new baby will be overshadowed by her memory. They are both my daughters!
John and I traveled for Thanksgiving and I knew the whole time I would be imagining what it would be like to be traveling with a toddler and how tired I’d be but how much everyone would fawn over her. I didn’t get to show her off to John’s side of the family the way I wanted to. So I brought her memorial baby book and some pictures and I wore her photo necklace so she could be close to my heart. Everyone was so sweet and just loved looking at the book and many of them read it from front to back and cried. It means so much to me when people do that. I can’t be the one who cries ALL the time… it’s so tiring.. I need some to bear some of the burden and cry for me sometimes… and these people, though family, hardly know me or my daughter and still cried for us. It was very comforting.
Thanksgiving Day though.. that physical display of emotional holiday tears came at the absolute worst time it possibly could have… right as we were serving ourselves buffet style and about to sit at the table.. And when I say “the table” I mean 4 tables full of adults.. I was powerless to dam up the impending flood of tears. I could feel it building for about an hour, so I went and sat quietly by myself for a few minutes to just relax in a rocking chair and feel my sweet rainbow kicking… but there were so many people, I wasn’t alone for long and everyone was full of holiday cheer to be reuniting around family and I was the big Thanksgiving Grinch, though hiding it well. ~ I want my baby! It’s not fair! No one got to meet her! She would have been afraid of everyone at first and terrifed clinging all over me, but would have warmed up eventually! I hate this! I want her! ~ So when it was time and I got up to fix my plate, I thought I would calm down, but I could barely compose myself while serving up turkey and cranberry and stuffing and bread and cheese dip. I sat at the table next to John, leaned away from everyone and towards his ear and said “I’m sorry this is coming now, I can’t help it, why now?? I’m sorry” and I got up and fled for the back hallway and rooms. I don’t know if he said anything before leaving the table, probably not, but he left our plates and dutifully followed me, which honestly I wasn’t sure he would do. He wanted to know what happened, what brought this on… NOTHING. Nothing new. It’s a holiday and my baby has died. I want her back and my heart is broken. He was so sweet and gentle; I thought he’d be frustrated with me, but he wasn’t. He did want me to try to focus on family and our blessings and especially our biggest blessing kicking about and growing inside me in the secluded darkness of that very hallway that very minute as we grieved. She is our hope, our joy, but she doesn’t replace my Kathlyn. I just needed to cry for her. And I needed to hear John say that he was sad too.. He said of course he was. And I said “I just need to hear it.. I can’t do this alone, I can’t be the only one who’s sad.” He said he just CAN’T dwell on it.. Or else he’ll be a mess of tears too.. And that he “can’t be the only one who’s happy.” So together, we press on. Happy and sad together. Back to our cold, waiting food plates. I warmed mine back up in the microwave, and John held my hand at the table. On Sunday, he felt the baby kick for the first time. Together… we do it together. I could not do this without him.
Together, we could not have done this without our supportive family and friends and church and without our God. God has gotten us through this. God has gotten me through this. God has helped John help me get through this. All the glory to Him…
And so we are naming our precious new baby Glory Joy Davis, after our wonderful God, and after her beautiful sister. Without God, we’d have neither of them. They are His for eternity.. The strongest prayers of my life are thanking Him for saving my Kathlyn, and thanking, BEGGING Him, to let me take care of Glory.. But she’s still His. His Glory, my Glory, our Glory.
the dragonfly didn't move from above the crib.. the K and the D will be elsewhere in the room..
I'm sorry that the timing of your tears was difficult, but an so glad that John was wonderful in supporting you.
ReplyDeleteI really liked what you said about sometimes needing others to cry for you - it does relieve some of the burden of grief.
Glory Joy. What a beautiful name for Kathlyn's baby sister.
((hugs))