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Sunday, June 6, 2010

rarely so sleepless

the past two nights, I slept 14 and then 12 hours. Now, it's after 8am Sunday morning, and I havent slept yet. I want to go to church at 11. But maybe I should just stay awake and go at 9:30. then waste the rest of the afternoon and evening asleep. oh wait, i forgot, i dont care. every day is a waste without kathlyn, awake or asleep.

i claim that i "never have trouble sleeping" so i'm very unnerved right now. normally, i can sleep in noisy broad daylight no matter how long i've already been asleep or how long i've been awake. so i figured maybe writing will be enough of a release to make me tired.

once again, there has been a large space since my last note. i dont really have anything new to say anymore. i want my babies. im afraid john is going to die. i hate the universe. the CD is on repeat.

i also had a disappointing occurance at work which caused a massive facebook friend purge. im not getting into details because this isnt high school, but basically it was time for the professional and personal line to be cut. i share my deepest and darkest here, which is something i've become fabulous at hiding in front of my patients and families at work. it became apparent that i needed to be better at hiding it from the co-workers, as it was making some of them uncomfortable. poor souls! kathlyn's death was really hard on them! that's too bad they were uncomfortable with my sad affect at work. it's been really hard for me too. i hope it's all better now.

except it's hard for me *everywhere*. they are uncomfortable at work, then get to go be comfortable in their perfect lives at home and i get to struggle with sleeping too much or not at all.

sarcasm is the 8th stage of grief. actually, it's a subset of anger.

i've typed that before. CD still on repeat.

i dont know what else to say. i still live with my raw truth daily, fighting demons hourly. and now that it's becoming time to start trying again, the stress level is rising even more. john and i were doing our grocery shopping (on a saturday night, how boring are we) and as we were loading the car, suddenly i became royal and snapped at him for no reason. i apologized later in the car, saying that i want to start trying again but im so afraid the baby will die. im terribly conflicted. this is more than a control issue. more than a faith issue. more than a desire. more than grief. more than heartbreak.

i dont know *what* it is.

oh, and when i want your opinion, on whether i should start trying again now or wait, i'll give it to you.

sincerely,
sleepless in stage 8

3 comments:

  1. Beth, I've been thinking of you all afternoon and I've revisited this post a couple of times in the hope of coming up with something to say in response.

    All I can is, I'm so sorry. I've always been one to retreat into sleep too. Not matter how noisy or how bright my surrounding are.

    I'm sorry that your co-workers were uncomfortable. As you say, at least it is something that they can retreat from or chose not to read. You don't get that choice.

    And it's no easy decision to take this whole ttc after loss(es). That's one for only you and John to decide upon.

    Thinking of you and your family, all four of you xo

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  2. Beth, I have always slept a lot and more so when I am really depressed.I can sleep better in the daytime than I can at night. During some of my darkest days, I would come home from work on Friday and tune out my family, and sleep nearly all weekend. I regret that, but it was how I coped at the time. Your sleep patterns may be helping you cope now.
    I can't make the decision for you, but if it were me, I would try again. I might start the adoption process going, too. I wanted a baby so badly after Meredith died, and even though the pregnancies with my other children were rough, I am so glad that I kept on trying.(((HUGS)))

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  3. Sleep is fickle for me too...exhausted when I don't want to be...can't sleep to save my soul when I am dying to. Just fickle and mean.

    Isn't it sad that something as common sense as not offering advice on when to start (or not) trying for another baby has to be written so people understand that it's NOT THEIR BUSINESS?

    That seems like such common sense...must be nice to be all those know-it-alls with all the answers.

    Thinking of you!

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