Only 1 pink line.
It's ok. I took it pretty well, considering my usual reaction to disappointing news. Probably because I'm 99% sure I still ovulated, so at least my body did something right. And because medically, I should wait one more month anyway.
What's more disappointing is that today marks 10 months. So many mommies of fullterm stillborns have their rainbow around the same time they lost the first one the year before. And I'm not even gonna be PREGNANT by a year later!? Ugh. And don't tell me not to compare. Because if I was comparing in the opposite direction and saying "well, thank goodness I havent had 2 and 3 fullterm stillborns like some people" then I'd be told "see, good girl, always look at the positives and count your blessings." Hm. No. If I can't compare, then I can't compare positive or negative. But honestly, I can't help my feelings, no matter whether you tell me I "should" or not. I'm comparing.. and I want an easier time having my rainbow than I've had. I don't think that's too much to friggin ask. Then again, I didnt think my healthy firstborn daughter was too much to ask for either, but I was horribly mistaken. And my poor little Cherry girl didn't even stand a 2nd trimester chance :,(
Also disappointing that I have ZERO possibility of having a baby in 2010 unless I have a micropreemie, and no one would be dumb enough to wish for that (although it would rank in comparision to another one dying). I was supposed to have a baby mid-2009, and now I'm not having one until 2011, or later? What is that?!
No selling angry here, we're all stocked up.
my journey to conceiving, carrying, birthing, exploring adoption, and raising my subsequent children after losing my firstborn after a full term pregnancy, and my second pregnancy after 7 weeks. this is loss, heartbreak, faith, hope, my children, my cherries on top, my joy.
Our Blessings
About Me
- Beth
- I had my dream job, my dream husband, a loving family, awesome church, strong faith.. my children would be the cherries on top.. the recipe for a perfect life. Just when I felt safe, it all came crashing down with the death of my first daughter in 2009, and a miscarriage 8 months later. 18 months to the day of Kathlyn's funeral, our Glory was born. We were reminded that Joy can still be found in life. I love more than I've ever loved, I miss more than I've ever missed.
dare to hope
Argh Beth. Well, it is good news that you ovulated but I'm so sorry it was only one line.
ReplyDeleteI wish it has been easier for you and it is terribly hard not to compare. It is very difficult to watch those months drift past. xo
I have been following your story from England, I stumbled across one of your blogs whilst trying to find help for my dear friend who lost her baby at full term. I check in now regularly to see that you have a happy ending and I feel a fraud for even commenting as I haven't gone through what you have. You just write with such raw pain and are clearly such a kind, warm person who deserves her baby, alive in her arms. I am a nurse too, sorry if I shouldn't have commented as I don't 'know' you, but I wanted to let you know that you have touched many people and I have cried for you without ever even meeting you. (ok I do sound a bit loopy now- but it is true!). Please keep writing, I hope it helps you and strangers care too. x
ReplyDeleteLifting you up!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the one line Beth. I have been coming to your blog since before you got pregnant with Cherry, and I am so sorry she is gone. I have a cherry purse and wallet that I have had for a few years, and I have only used it a few times, and have taken very good care of it. It's been my favorite purse for awhile, I had a cherry obsession a few years ago. It is an adorable set, and I would love to send it to you if you would like it. If not, I understand. My email is angelaedmonds@live.com
ReplyDeleteHugs to you,
Angela
No baby in 2010 here, either.
ReplyDeleteI miscarried for the 2nd time after our 4th child Isaac was born and died April 8, 2009. We should have had a Christmas baby....
And I don't know your additional pain of having no children, but I do know how much it has pained me that so many women I know never lost "rainbow" babies. They've been aided in their grief by the promise of new life. It's so hard to still be grieving a dead newborn, in addition to a miscarriage, in addition to the fear our dreams won't come true, as well.
Thinking of you.....