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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

ruined.

i wish my life wasn't ruined. point blank. i wish my life wasn't ruined.



don't take this to mean i dont recognize my blessings, because i do. i have one of the most wonderful husbands a woman could ask for. my mother is one of my best friends and always has been... we've never had "rough patches" or anything, and i'm also very close to my brothers and we were all the center of my dad's world before he died. i had basically a picture perfect childhood. i even feel very close to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins even though some of them i saw less than once a year. they're all just a group of very compassionate, loving, and fun people to be around.



but in 2009, my life was ruined. with all those other close relationships, all i ever wanted was a daughter. (and what depresses me on top of that, was that my mom had the picture perfect life and young motherhood, only for the 2nd half of her life... her retirement with her wonderful husband and grandchildren... also to be ruined when my father died.)



i am so in love with my new baby. i dreamed last night that i thought she was dead, and i was screaming and screaming.. i just screamed for days and no one could handle it.. people were abandoning me because i was beyond help... and then someone brought me an ultrasound machine and there she was... alive and moving, and she looked just like my baby pictures. such a relief. i live that every day... screaming inside at the thought of losing her... and then sweet relief with a swift kick or the doppler.



but it's still ruined. losing a firstborn just ruins everything. i never got that feeling where i can have a picture of myself and my husband and all my kids and just look at the picture and say "i'm so blessed!" i can still feel blessed, and i do... i feel blessed just *knowing God* .. but it will always be that picture "i'm so blessed.. BUT..." But Kathlyn isnt here. how can it ever be ok without her?! i wanted "I'm so blessed" period, point blank. no buts. it's ruined now. ruined until my life is over and i'm in heaven.. then it will be "ok." basically then i feel like my life is already over, because it can never be ok here. i sitll have a lot more i wanna do before i die... well no, not a lot more actually. i just want to raise a child. there's nothing more i want. i've done everything else. i have a husband, job, and family that i love and get a lot out of. the cherries on top are my children.



i know so many of you who have lost your firstborns. i'm not saying it's less dificult if you lost a child somewhere else along the sibling line, and i'll probably get slammed for this, but at least you had a time in motherhood where you had all your children with you and it wasnt ruined and you werent a jaded mother at the time like i'm going to be. i feel sorry for Little G and i've had a ton of people... new friends, old friends, family, coworkers, and my therapist, to name a few... worried that my love for kathlyn will make her feel overshadowed and less loved and less worthy. my next children will think they can never live up to kathlyn, who was simply perfect and pure. it's such a fine line... i love and want all my children all the same... how do i express it so they dont get hurt? and so that i dont get hurt feelng like i've denied my katie-cat her proper place in the family? it's sibling rivalry at a whole other sickening level.



for those who have lost a newborn.. or any child really.. have you ever come to a point where you feel like your life isnt ruined? does it ever feel ok? can you feel blessed without the "buts" ?



sometimes i still can't believe this happened to me. i have lost a child, before i even knew what it was like to have one.

4 comments:

  1. Beth, I absolutely understand. Every single word.
    xo

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  2. I lost my first to an ectopic pregnancy at 6 weeks gestation and it was devastating because I had no idea what my fertility future held. I was so depressed for what seemed like such a long time. I was scared every single minute that I would never have a biological living child of my own. Like you all I wanted was a baby as I already had the perfect family, husband, job etc.

    I can see how losing your first born can ruin things for you. While my loss was so early I can still relate to the empty feelings of not ever knowing and the constant what ifs.

    I went on to have 2 healthy boys before losing Claire and am so thankful for them yet still so sad for her. I think the huge difference for those who lose their first early on and those that lose their second, third, eighth is that we have had to move forward at a faster pace because of the other members of our family...

    And many days I resent that.

    Not that I wish any less for my living children, I just wish I could have stayed in bed for days and mourned my baby. I felt like I had to bounce back faster than I was ready to do because of my family.

    All this to say that I get it. I can totally empathize and appreciate just how difficult losing your first born is especially in your case when you were so close to having your little Kathlyn join you.

    My heart aches for the constant pain you feel... and aches even more knowing that the pain will never go away... nor should it really.

    We grieve because we love. Kalthlyn, Cherry and Baby G are lucky little one to have a mommy that loves so deeply.

    xo

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  3. My 4th was stillborn, and I've always felt that it would have been so much harder if she was my first. I had my other three to distract me and to keep me going.

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  4. I know I don't know you, so I hope my comments are okay!

    My little one was my first child too. And to lose my first baby after a "picture perfect pregnancy" (my OB's words), well, it's shattered my ability to believe in any reassurance, or to believe that the next time will be, can be, any different. It makes you so afraid.

    Life ruined. Yes. Me too.

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