I also wanted to add something else about today, the date I am writing these blogs, although in the other entry, when I said "today" it was referring to the other little girl's birthday which is June 27.
June 28 or 6/28 is very significant to me. Kathlyn was born at 6:28 and I see that number almost every day of my life whether it's on the clock (either morning or evening, sometimes I catch both in the same day!) I see it on signs, addresses, everywhere.
I got my current car on 6/28/10, the same day I found out I was pregnant with Glory. I wanted to be pregant again before the 1 year mark, and I made it. And she is Glorious.
So today, as I make an effort to pick writing back up, it's 6/28. All day.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Writing helps heal
Somehow I went the entire year of 2014 without making a post. It was a very busy year for me; I was learning how to juggle raising two children. And I still am! They are the biggest blessings I could have ever asked for: a boy and a girl, my little salt and pepper shaker set. They take absolutely every ounce of my energy, and as much as I want to write, as much as it helps me heal, most of the time once I have a second to sit down, I just fall asleep.
Kathlyn is still in the very forefront of my mind most of the day. I think of her and miss her every time our family is together, wishing it was completely full. When I was younger, I suppose I thought the "perfect family" would have been 2 boys and 2 girls. But now that I have it, and don't have it at the same time, 2 girls and a boy would really have been what was perfect for me. I just always dreamed of having a daughter, a little princess to dress up and play with and laugh with. I wanted a boy too because it would seem the manly husband I wanted, would want a boy too. 2 girls, sisters, like I never had, and a boy for the dad. Perfection.
I suppose it was too good to be true. Maybe someday I'll have another girl... that sister I wish Glory had, and could grow up with instead of be cheated out of. But I was told by my high risk doctor not to have any more children. My regular doctor seems to think it would be ok. We're still deciding. I would rather make the decision on my own that I'm done having children, with my heart and my mind, rather than my stupid apparently doesn't always work reproductive system. Thanks a lot. Thanks for housing my first two yet not allowing them to make it out alive to this side. And thanks for the "no more for you!" It's just infuriating.
And then on the other side, what a sacred space it was, for giving me the most perfect girl and the most perfect boy.
These constant up and down emotions I have, they are exhausting.
Tonight we had a good family night. We went to a movie, came home and got everybody settled in bed. I signed onto facebook while nursing Alex like I usually do, and something popped up that made me so sad. I am not typing this out to upset that person's family or to begrudge them in any way, because that's not what this is about. I would not trade this family's friendship or the support they have given us the past 6 years. But it was a picture of a little girl who turned 6 today (although it was really yesterday by date, because it's past midnight now). I knew it was today; I had already thought about it. I already bought her a gift for the party that's next week. I know July is coming, Kathlyn's month. I still cry for her all the time, but not every day. It's usually in my quiet moments alone, in bed, looking at her picture or praying about her. But there she was, the other little girl, with a sweet post from her mom about the wonderful girl that she is, with her beautiful smile and beautiful curly hair. I remember the day they brought her home and stopped by our bible study group to say hello. She was strapped in her carseat and I was largely pregnant. I cried that night, gave them a hug and said I was so happy for them and that "I'm next!!!" And a month and 3 days later, I was certainly next. They were born in the same room at the same hospital, into the same doctor's hands, at the same height and same weight. This little girl is my true shadow baby and I have honestly and wholeheartedly enjoyed watching her grow up, although there were many, many more tears of sorrow during and after seeing her for the first few years and especially first few months.
Kathlyn, I am so, so sorry. I want to sit you at the table with a pretty bow in your hair and take your 6th birthday picture. I bet we would have trouble deciding which party theme to have... because I bet we've already used Ponies, Frozen, Minnie, Hello Kitty, and all the popular ones. I wish I knew which one you'd pick. I wish I knew if you'd want a nail polish party or American Girl, rollerskating or swimming, horses or puppies. I miss you with all my heart, sweet girl. I long for the relationship you'd have with your sister and brother. I wanted to watch YOU grow, not just those other amazing two, and not just all your little friends around you who get 6 candles and a kindergarten graduation this year. I am surrounded by blessings, Kathlyn, but tonight, I cry for you, for what might have been. You are still my baby. Sleep tight and wait for Mommy.
Thank you for reading.
Kathlyn is still in the very forefront of my mind most of the day. I think of her and miss her every time our family is together, wishing it was completely full. When I was younger, I suppose I thought the "perfect family" would have been 2 boys and 2 girls. But now that I have it, and don't have it at the same time, 2 girls and a boy would really have been what was perfect for me. I just always dreamed of having a daughter, a little princess to dress up and play with and laugh with. I wanted a boy too because it would seem the manly husband I wanted, would want a boy too. 2 girls, sisters, like I never had, and a boy for the dad. Perfection.
I suppose it was too good to be true. Maybe someday I'll have another girl... that sister I wish Glory had, and could grow up with instead of be cheated out of. But I was told by my high risk doctor not to have any more children. My regular doctor seems to think it would be ok. We're still deciding. I would rather make the decision on my own that I'm done having children, with my heart and my mind, rather than my stupid apparently doesn't always work reproductive system. Thanks a lot. Thanks for housing my first two yet not allowing them to make it out alive to this side. And thanks for the "no more for you!" It's just infuriating.
And then on the other side, what a sacred space it was, for giving me the most perfect girl and the most perfect boy.
These constant up and down emotions I have, they are exhausting.
Tonight we had a good family night. We went to a movie, came home and got everybody settled in bed. I signed onto facebook while nursing Alex like I usually do, and something popped up that made me so sad. I am not typing this out to upset that person's family or to begrudge them in any way, because that's not what this is about. I would not trade this family's friendship or the support they have given us the past 6 years. But it was a picture of a little girl who turned 6 today (although it was really yesterday by date, because it's past midnight now). I knew it was today; I had already thought about it. I already bought her a gift for the party that's next week. I know July is coming, Kathlyn's month. I still cry for her all the time, but not every day. It's usually in my quiet moments alone, in bed, looking at her picture or praying about her. But there she was, the other little girl, with a sweet post from her mom about the wonderful girl that she is, with her beautiful smile and beautiful curly hair. I remember the day they brought her home and stopped by our bible study group to say hello. She was strapped in her carseat and I was largely pregnant. I cried that night, gave them a hug and said I was so happy for them and that "I'm next!!!" And a month and 3 days later, I was certainly next. They were born in the same room at the same hospital, into the same doctor's hands, at the same height and same weight. This little girl is my true shadow baby and I have honestly and wholeheartedly enjoyed watching her grow up, although there were many, many more tears of sorrow during and after seeing her for the first few years and especially first few months.
Kathlyn, I am so, so sorry. I want to sit you at the table with a pretty bow in your hair and take your 6th birthday picture. I bet we would have trouble deciding which party theme to have... because I bet we've already used Ponies, Frozen, Minnie, Hello Kitty, and all the popular ones. I wish I knew which one you'd pick. I wish I knew if you'd want a nail polish party or American Girl, rollerskating or swimming, horses or puppies. I miss you with all my heart, sweet girl. I long for the relationship you'd have with your sister and brother. I wanted to watch YOU grow, not just those other amazing two, and not just all your little friends around you who get 6 candles and a kindergarten graduation this year. I am surrounded by blessings, Kathlyn, but tonight, I cry for you, for what might have been. You are still my baby. Sleep tight and wait for Mommy.
Thank you for reading.
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