Wednesday, November 30, 2011
raw truth
I'm get really tired of listening to people talk about how hard it is to have 2 children. you know what, I have 2 children too. and I agree, it's really fucking hard.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
rummaging
i went through my attic today. twice. because the first time, glory was not allowing me to put her down :) i love it when i can't do something (not being sarcastic!) because my baby needs me. i have waited my whole life for that. so the second time i went through the attic was just now, at 5am. she does let me put her down to sleep, but that's about the only time.
among various other vintage 80s toys (the ORIGINAL care bears, ponies, and rainbow brite), term papers and flashcards and notes and photos from high school (we were so unnecessarily dramatic over absolutely nothing), i found the following: ticket stub from the roof of the World Trade Center, a keychain that says "I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time" (made me laugh!), the shoe and sock i was wearing when my foot got run over by a car, my retainer (nasty!), and a little family history book my grandma wrote for me, that I'm going to read to her when I visit in October. i did NOT find what i was looking for.. a small metal license plate for a child's bike that says "i brake for smurfs" lol. how vintage! i know it's up there somewhere! i might break down and buy it on ebay for $2 to $10. it's so classic. apparently it came from a cereal box. i really wanted to put it in the back of my car while the smurfs movie is popular right now. we had 2 or 3 different ones, but that one was my favorite. whatever, i know at least half of you are looking it up on ebay right now.
i also found some of my books from when i was a baby/young child that i set aside for glory... after being properly cleaned, of course. and i was thinking the whole time i was going through these boxes how much fun glory will have when i let her go through them. i'm going to try my best not to go through them again until then, because if you go through that stuff too often, you just know what's in there and it's not exciting to find it all again. but everything, and i mean everything, that i get excited about for glory also gets clouded with missing kathlyn and how much fun she would have had, all 3 of us would have had, doing it together. kathlyn is in heaven. and none of us can fathom what that's like. but isn't quality time with mommy and sister a little piece of heaven too? how come she couldnt have both? she should have been able to come here and do this part first, then get the glory of heaven after she lived her life like the rest of us. i miss her so much. and it's not that glory falls short in any category at all. i am happier with her than i've ever been in my life, and that is a groundbreaking statement considering the 18 months of utter misery i had before her arrival. going from far beyond rock bottom to absolute blissful cherry on top.. it's exhausting.
as i was rummaging through all these things i found a little trinket that my brother gave me for christmas when i was about 4 or 5. he bought it with his own money from the christmas fair at school. (i have an awesome memory, yes). it's a little girl on a keychain and it says "super sister."
i always wanted a sister. my best friend growing up had two sisters and i just had two mean older brothers. i also loved babies, and i was the youngest, so i never got to play with a baby sibling either. i have been telling john that i would really like to have another girl.. a sister for glory. one that she gets to grow up with, because it's not fair. people have said that it won't hurt glory, she never knew kathlyn so she won't grieve her. but i know what it's like to long for a sister. except really, i never had one, so i never lost one. glory has one, one that she'll never know. one that she'll long for. that's not to say that if we have another girl, all will be well and right in the world, because then kathlyn and glory and the new baby will miss the experience of having TWO sisters each. but i still want it for glory. i'm getting to raise a daughter like i always wanted and i know i'm so blessed for that. so i want that super sister for glory. i put the little girl back in that box for us to rummage back out in a few years. even if we don't have anymore children, glory will know she's a super sister already. i'm scratching my head right now as why i put it back in the box. i think maybe it belongs in her room.
among various other vintage 80s toys (the ORIGINAL care bears, ponies, and rainbow brite), term papers and flashcards and notes and photos from high school (we were so unnecessarily dramatic over absolutely nothing), i found the following: ticket stub from the roof of the World Trade Center, a keychain that says "I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time" (made me laugh!), the shoe and sock i was wearing when my foot got run over by a car, my retainer (nasty!), and a little family history book my grandma wrote for me, that I'm going to read to her when I visit in October. i did NOT find what i was looking for.. a small metal license plate for a child's bike that says "i brake for smurfs" lol. how vintage! i know it's up there somewhere! i might break down and buy it on ebay for $2 to $10. it's so classic. apparently it came from a cereal box. i really wanted to put it in the back of my car while the smurfs movie is popular right now. we had 2 or 3 different ones, but that one was my favorite. whatever, i know at least half of you are looking it up on ebay right now.
i also found some of my books from when i was a baby/young child that i set aside for glory... after being properly cleaned, of course. and i was thinking the whole time i was going through these boxes how much fun glory will have when i let her go through them. i'm going to try my best not to go through them again until then, because if you go through that stuff too often, you just know what's in there and it's not exciting to find it all again. but everything, and i mean everything, that i get excited about for glory also gets clouded with missing kathlyn and how much fun she would have had, all 3 of us would have had, doing it together. kathlyn is in heaven. and none of us can fathom what that's like. but isn't quality time with mommy and sister a little piece of heaven too? how come she couldnt have both? she should have been able to come here and do this part first, then get the glory of heaven after she lived her life like the rest of us. i miss her so much. and it's not that glory falls short in any category at all. i am happier with her than i've ever been in my life, and that is a groundbreaking statement considering the 18 months of utter misery i had before her arrival. going from far beyond rock bottom to absolute blissful cherry on top.. it's exhausting.
as i was rummaging through all these things i found a little trinket that my brother gave me for christmas when i was about 4 or 5. he bought it with his own money from the christmas fair at school. (i have an awesome memory, yes). it's a little girl on a keychain and it says "super sister."
i always wanted a sister. my best friend growing up had two sisters and i just had two mean older brothers. i also loved babies, and i was the youngest, so i never got to play with a baby sibling either. i have been telling john that i would really like to have another girl.. a sister for glory. one that she gets to grow up with, because it's not fair. people have said that it won't hurt glory, she never knew kathlyn so she won't grieve her. but i know what it's like to long for a sister. except really, i never had one, so i never lost one. glory has one, one that she'll never know. one that she'll long for. that's not to say that if we have another girl, all will be well and right in the world, because then kathlyn and glory and the new baby will miss the experience of having TWO sisters each. but i still want it for glory. i'm getting to raise a daughter like i always wanted and i know i'm so blessed for that. so i want that super sister for glory. i put the little girl back in that box for us to rummage back out in a few years. even if we don't have anymore children, glory will know she's a super sister already. i'm scratching my head right now as why i put it back in the box. i think maybe it belongs in her room.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
the easy part
Glory is 1 month old today! How is that possible?! Time when I was pregnant went so, so slow, and now it's moving at the speed of light. She still looks and feels and acts like a brand newborn though... probably because she's only 4 days past her actual due date. She has her 1 month check later today and I'm definitely anxious to see what she weighs.
I've had a few people ask me, my therapist included, if I've been, or if I'm going to be writing about Glory. My simple answer is this.. I guess I'd rather be with her than write about her. Even right now, I wasn't thrilled about putting her down to write anything. I *do* put her down... sometimes :) But not very often. I don't know HOW I'm going to go back to work. Ever. I have never been separated from her except for a few minutes to run into Target or the grocery store while my mom or John stayed in the car with her. Yesterday, I was going into the store and told my mom to drive across the street to mail some letters, then come right back to pick me up.. but then I said nevermind. I wanted her to wait in the parking lot for me. I didn't want her driving away with Glory. She had to at least be as near as right outside the store I was in. Seriously... going to work??? HOW?!
Yesterday we were in Old Navy and the woman behind me in line said "aw, that's a little baby. how old is she?" I said "4 weeks." She said "they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up", referring to her toddler aged son in her cart. I was just half-grinning, I guess... the check-out clerk said "how old is he?" and she said "almost 2."
uh-huh. I have another daughter. and she'd be "almost 2" too. I think it's a little rude.. or weird at best, to give advice to a complete stranger.. let alone how audacious it is to tell the mother of a newborn how easy she has it. I wonder how many hours of sleep SHE got the past few nights, because we could perhaps compare notes. I imagine the conversation could have gone a little different if I'd chosen to speak more than two words to her (the two words being "four" and "weeks".)
her - how old is she?me - four weeks.
her -they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up.
me - this isn't my first.
now technically, although she's not my first, i don't know what it's like to have an almost 2 year old or what it was like to have a newborn until now. regardless.. she was making assumptions about my life. and how easy it is because i dont know yet how hard toddlerhood is. please, no lectures about her good intentions. after all, i spared her her own fat foot in her mouth, although i dont know why i spared her, she's the one who got personal in the first place. my mom said "because it's hard to talk about it all the time". i said "it's hard NOT to talk about it".. and she said "it's just hard."
anyway... perhaps...
me - this isn't my first.
her - oh ok, how old is your other one?
me - she'd be almost 2, too, but she died the day she was born. [edit - she was born the day she died.]
her, mortified - oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!
and she may or may not have asked me what happened. some people do, some don't. I imagine she would have asked, because she'd want to know if she's immune to it, if it's something that only happens to other people. Either way, she could have gotten a free lesson on assuming what other people have been through. Just because I'm walking around happy and blessed with my beautiful newborn, I'm not a new mom. And maybe this is the easy part, but only because it's ALL "the easy part" when your child is actually alive. I'm sure her little guy keeps her running. I'm hoping and praying that in about a year, I'll experience "the hard part" of raising a toddler, too. But I promise her, it's harder to be without your toddler than it is to have the luxury to be utterly exhausted by them.
I wrote about Kathlyn all the time in my early grief, because I felt like I couldn't do it alone. I needed an outlet, I needed people to listen. I still think about her every minute, but the grief thoughts are the same and I ran out of new things to write. But I think I miss her more now that I have Glory, which I didn't think was possible. I miss her more now because I'm learning exactly what I missed. Those eyes staring up at you while you're nursing. That soft skin. Those baby noises. Pushing the stroller. Taking photographs. Dressing her up. Watching her with John. Just plain looking at her. I want it with Kathlyn. I want to be doing this the second time around. I want to be a seasoned pro at the newborn thing and be learning the toddler thing. A question that's also come up recently is "how many children do you want?" when we talk about having more. (not quite as hard as the ever popular "how many children do you have?" that comes from complete strangers). I've always been the kind of person who would love to have a lot of children.. my dad was one of seven. But now, really, I would give anything to just have the two I already had. My Kathlyn and my Glory. With a cherry on top.
.
I've had a few people ask me, my therapist included, if I've been, or if I'm going to be writing about Glory. My simple answer is this.. I guess I'd rather be with her than write about her. Even right now, I wasn't thrilled about putting her down to write anything. I *do* put her down... sometimes :) But not very often. I don't know HOW I'm going to go back to work. Ever. I have never been separated from her except for a few minutes to run into Target or the grocery store while my mom or John stayed in the car with her. Yesterday, I was going into the store and told my mom to drive across the street to mail some letters, then come right back to pick me up.. but then I said nevermind. I wanted her to wait in the parking lot for me. I didn't want her driving away with Glory. She had to at least be as near as right outside the store I was in. Seriously... going to work??? HOW?!
Yesterday we were in Old Navy and the woman behind me in line said "aw, that's a little baby. how old is she?" I said "4 weeks." She said "they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up", referring to her toddler aged son in her cart. I was just half-grinning, I guess... the check-out clerk said "how old is he?" and she said "almost 2."
uh-huh. I have another daughter. and she'd be "almost 2" too. I think it's a little rude.. or weird at best, to give advice to a complete stranger.. let alone how audacious it is to tell the mother of a newborn how easy she has it. I wonder how many hours of sleep SHE got the past few nights, because we could perhaps compare notes. I imagine the conversation could have gone a little different if I'd chosen to speak more than two words to her (the two words being "four" and "weeks".)
her - how old is she?me - four weeks.
her -they never tell you this is the easy part. and then they grow up and become like him and you can't keep up.
me - this isn't my first.
now technically, although she's not my first, i don't know what it's like to have an almost 2 year old or what it was like to have a newborn until now. regardless.. she was making assumptions about my life. and how easy it is because i dont know yet how hard toddlerhood is. please, no lectures about her good intentions. after all, i spared her her own fat foot in her mouth, although i dont know why i spared her, she's the one who got personal in the first place. my mom said "because it's hard to talk about it all the time". i said "it's hard NOT to talk about it".. and she said "it's just hard."
anyway... perhaps...
me - this isn't my first.
her - oh ok, how old is your other one?
me - she'd be almost 2, too, but she died the day she was born. [edit - she was born the day she died.]
her, mortified - oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!
and she may or may not have asked me what happened. some people do, some don't. I imagine she would have asked, because she'd want to know if she's immune to it, if it's something that only happens to other people. Either way, she could have gotten a free lesson on assuming what other people have been through. Just because I'm walking around happy and blessed with my beautiful newborn, I'm not a new mom. And maybe this is the easy part, but only because it's ALL "the easy part" when your child is actually alive. I'm sure her little guy keeps her running. I'm hoping and praying that in about a year, I'll experience "the hard part" of raising a toddler, too. But I promise her, it's harder to be without your toddler than it is to have the luxury to be utterly exhausted by them.
I wrote about Kathlyn all the time in my early grief, because I felt like I couldn't do it alone. I needed an outlet, I needed people to listen. I still think about her every minute, but the grief thoughts are the same and I ran out of new things to write. But I think I miss her more now that I have Glory, which I didn't think was possible. I miss her more now because I'm learning exactly what I missed. Those eyes staring up at you while you're nursing. That soft skin. Those baby noises. Pushing the stroller. Taking photographs. Dressing her up. Watching her with John. Just plain looking at her. I want it with Kathlyn. I want to be doing this the second time around. I want to be a seasoned pro at the newborn thing and be learning the toddler thing. A question that's also come up recently is "how many children do you want?" when we talk about having more. (not quite as hard as the ever popular "how many children do you have?" that comes from complete strangers). I've always been the kind of person who would love to have a lot of children.. my dad was one of seven. But now, really, I would give anything to just have the two I already had. My Kathlyn and my Glory. With a cherry on top.
.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
made it to february!
after posting these 5 status updates on facebook in a row early this morning... i made a long note after the day was through so i figured i should update here too... i have neglected this blog so much :(
appointment at 10:30. been awake since 5.
pray for dr. F today because im a total basketcase right now.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF BABIES ARE BORN ALIVE AND HEALTHY.
aren't they?! :/
God please wrap your arms around me.. and Glory.. and John.. and my OB. please.. calm my heart and mind. being a basketcase is so exhausting.
===================================================================================
first of all, thank you to everyone who messaged me today in response to my little meltdown of text messages to facebook this morning. i get a lot of messages, texts, and calls every day but today there were more than usual and i appreciate that so much. i am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the extra friendships and attention i have gotten over the past year and a half. when i just typed "a good way" at first i typoed "a god way" and I dont think that was a coincidence. God is at work in my life and He gives me little things that help me get through. now i'm just waiting for THE BIG THING... my long awaited Glory. i've been pregnant since 2008. isn't it time?!
those 4 agonizing hours i spent awake early this morning were with God.. I've resorted to just begging.. it goes around and around and around... please let me keep her.. don't You want me to be happy now?! what good will i be if she dies too.. i will spend the rest of my life kicking and screaming on the floor because if i can't be a mother i dont want to be anything... why God, why would you make me the person who loves children so much if i wasnt meant to have any of my own, why?! then i just feel like i'm bargaining with Him, or threatening Him somehow, let me keep her or else.. and who am i to threaten Him? i know He's not intimidated by me, but im afraid He thinks I dont trust Him and so I dont deserve her. what a terrible thing to think! I trust Him... but I think trusting Him only means knowing that He'll always be there.. not necessarily that we'll get what we want. last week i emailed someone when i was having a really hard time with this, someone who i consider to be one of the most faithful Christians I know, well-read on the bible, very kind and wise and she told me when I'm afraid, to read Psalms... and it helps.. it really does. those writers are just crying and pleading and begging too and together we find comfort, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years apart... it's the same God. I read Psalm 30 every day now -- God has restored my health and rescued me from death.. got me through 2010 and into a healthy pregnancy... weeping lasts for the night, but morning will come, and my mourning turns into joy.
i've told the horror story so many times... Kathlyn had a healthy NST on July 28, 2009, and then died out of the blue on July 30. this makes it nearly impossible for healthy reports from the doctor to reassure me for longer than a few hours afterwards. i remember just after it happened, Dr. F (or one of them... but i think it was him) saying it's extremely unusual to lose a baby within a week of a healthy NST. something drastic must have happened... something that killed her instantly. or, she just died for no reason. just like that. alive one second, dead the next. there is no way to predict or prevent drastic or reasonless deaths. i knew that very day, july 30, 2009, that i wanted something to be wrong with my sweet girl. somethig wrong with her heart or an infection or a big, huge, ugly, nasty, obvious knot in that cord. when i saw blood coming from her nose, i asked if something was wrong with her brain. (a ridiculous question, but i was in shock to say the least). if there was something wrong, we could rule it out this time. nothing wrong with Glory's heart, or cord, or brain, or any of her organs. but nothing wrong with kathlyn's either?! where is my reassurance?! there is none. i'm riding solely on faith... and as i went in circles with God early this morning and as i do most days... forgive me my loving God, but it's not enough and fear is winning. they tell you as a pregnant woman if you "feel like something is wrong" to tell someone.. use your instinct. but I told Dr. F today that my instinct is so clouded by what happened in the past, something i cant get over. what if my instinct is telling me something is wrong and im ignoring it?! i cried my eyes out about this during my appointment, but they just cant justify an amnio to check lungs and an elective 35 week delivery on a healthy baby.. her NST was picture perfect and could not have been more reactive. she's doing just what she's supposed to do. the definite reassuring part is that it looks like my stress is not affecting her... her heart is healthy even when mine is breaking and my mind is overcome with fear. and when i asked God to calm me, i know He did.. because when I was in bed, i know my BP was through the roof, i was short of breath with a horrible dizzy headache.. but at the appointment my BP was 118/72 and absolutely no cause for concern. i think a high BP and nonreactive NST, although might buy me an earlier delivery, would also frighten me to the core... so i am very, very careful not to wish for that. she's healthy and i want it to stay that way.. i want to have her while it's that way! i want to have her before she dies. and when i'm in a rational state of mind, i dont want to to have a preterm baby either because that puts her at risk for a whole new set of extra problems. just please, please God, keep me healthy and calm and keep that baby healthy and alive inside me. i also have to remember, i keep saying, "i want to have her early while i know she's alive!", early meaning NOW... but i AM having her early... 37 and a half weeks... which is 2 weeks away. i made it to february. and they're letting me come twice this week for extra reassurance and another ultrasound! (they said my fluid was borderline high last time... something they kept from me, im sure because there was no reason for me to worry extra over that, but still, yikes, every little thing is scary). so i get to look forward to seeing that beautiful face and seeing and hearing that beautiful healthy heart.
thank you hearing and seeing a piece of my beautiful broken healing heart too.
.
appointment at 10:30. been awake since 5.
pray for dr. F today because im a total basketcase right now.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF BABIES ARE BORN ALIVE AND HEALTHY.
aren't they?! :/
God please wrap your arms around me.. and Glory.. and John.. and my OB. please.. calm my heart and mind. being a basketcase is so exhausting.
===================================================================================
first of all, thank you to everyone who messaged me today in response to my little meltdown of text messages to facebook this morning. i get a lot of messages, texts, and calls every day but today there were more than usual and i appreciate that so much. i am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the extra friendships and attention i have gotten over the past year and a half. when i just typed "a good way" at first i typoed "a god way" and I dont think that was a coincidence. God is at work in my life and He gives me little things that help me get through. now i'm just waiting for THE BIG THING... my long awaited Glory. i've been pregnant since 2008. isn't it time?!
those 4 agonizing hours i spent awake early this morning were with God.. I've resorted to just begging.. it goes around and around and around... please let me keep her.. don't You want me to be happy now?! what good will i be if she dies too.. i will spend the rest of my life kicking and screaming on the floor because if i can't be a mother i dont want to be anything... why God, why would you make me the person who loves children so much if i wasnt meant to have any of my own, why?! then i just feel like i'm bargaining with Him, or threatening Him somehow, let me keep her or else.. and who am i to threaten Him? i know He's not intimidated by me, but im afraid He thinks I dont trust Him and so I dont deserve her. what a terrible thing to think! I trust Him... but I think trusting Him only means knowing that He'll always be there.. not necessarily that we'll get what we want. last week i emailed someone when i was having a really hard time with this, someone who i consider to be one of the most faithful Christians I know, well-read on the bible, very kind and wise and she told me when I'm afraid, to read Psalms... and it helps.. it really does. those writers are just crying and pleading and begging too and together we find comfort, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years apart... it's the same God. I read Psalm 30 every day now -- God has restored my health and rescued me from death.. got me through 2010 and into a healthy pregnancy... weeping lasts for the night, but morning will come, and my mourning turns into joy.
i've told the horror story so many times... Kathlyn had a healthy NST on July 28, 2009, and then died out of the blue on July 30. this makes it nearly impossible for healthy reports from the doctor to reassure me for longer than a few hours afterwards. i remember just after it happened, Dr. F (or one of them... but i think it was him) saying it's extremely unusual to lose a baby within a week of a healthy NST. something drastic must have happened... something that killed her instantly. or, she just died for no reason. just like that. alive one second, dead the next. there is no way to predict or prevent drastic or reasonless deaths. i knew that very day, july 30, 2009, that i wanted something to be wrong with my sweet girl. somethig wrong with her heart or an infection or a big, huge, ugly, nasty, obvious knot in that cord. when i saw blood coming from her nose, i asked if something was wrong with her brain. (a ridiculous question, but i was in shock to say the least). if there was something wrong, we could rule it out this time. nothing wrong with Glory's heart, or cord, or brain, or any of her organs. but nothing wrong with kathlyn's either?! where is my reassurance?! there is none. i'm riding solely on faith... and as i went in circles with God early this morning and as i do most days... forgive me my loving God, but it's not enough and fear is winning. they tell you as a pregnant woman if you "feel like something is wrong" to tell someone.. use your instinct. but I told Dr. F today that my instinct is so clouded by what happened in the past, something i cant get over. what if my instinct is telling me something is wrong and im ignoring it?! i cried my eyes out about this during my appointment, but they just cant justify an amnio to check lungs and an elective 35 week delivery on a healthy baby.. her NST was picture perfect and could not have been more reactive. she's doing just what she's supposed to do. the definite reassuring part is that it looks like my stress is not affecting her... her heart is healthy even when mine is breaking and my mind is overcome with fear. and when i asked God to calm me, i know He did.. because when I was in bed, i know my BP was through the roof, i was short of breath with a horrible dizzy headache.. but at the appointment my BP was 118/72 and absolutely no cause for concern. i think a high BP and nonreactive NST, although might buy me an earlier delivery, would also frighten me to the core... so i am very, very careful not to wish for that. she's healthy and i want it to stay that way.. i want to have her while it's that way! i want to have her before she dies. and when i'm in a rational state of mind, i dont want to to have a preterm baby either because that puts her at risk for a whole new set of extra problems. just please, please God, keep me healthy and calm and keep that baby healthy and alive inside me. i also have to remember, i keep saying, "i want to have her early while i know she's alive!", early meaning NOW... but i AM having her early... 37 and a half weeks... which is 2 weeks away. i made it to february. and they're letting me come twice this week for extra reassurance and another ultrasound! (they said my fluid was borderline high last time... something they kept from me, im sure because there was no reason for me to worry extra over that, but still, yikes, every little thing is scary). so i get to look forward to seeing that beautiful face and seeing and hearing that beautiful healthy heart.
thank you hearing and seeing a piece of my beautiful broken healing heart too.
.
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