made it to february!

after posting these 5 status updates on facebook in a row early this morning... i made a long note after the day was through so i figured i should update here too... i have neglected this blog so much :(

appointment at 10:30. been awake since 5.

pray for dr. F today because im a total basketcase right now.

THE VAST MAJORITY OF BABIES ARE BORN ALIVE AND HEALTHY.

aren't they?! :/


God please wrap your arms around me.. and Glory.. and John.. and my OB. please.. calm my heart and mind. being a basketcase is so exhausting.

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first of all, thank you to everyone who messaged me today in response to my little meltdown of text messages to facebook this morning. i get a lot of messages, texts, and calls every day but today there were more than usual and i appreciate that so much. i am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the extra friendships and attention i have gotten over the past year and a half. when i just typed "a good way" at first i typoed "a god way" and I dont think that was a coincidence. God is at work in my life and He gives me little things that help me get through. now i'm just waiting for THE BIG THING... my long awaited Glory. i've been pregnant since 2008. isn't it time?!



those 4 agonizing hours i spent awake early this morning were with God.. I've resorted to just begging.. it goes around and around and around... please let me keep her.. don't You want me to be happy now?! what good will i be if she dies too.. i will spend the rest of my life kicking and screaming on the floor because if i can't be a mother i dont want to be anything... why God, why would you make me the person who loves children so much if i wasnt meant to have any of my own, why?! then i just feel like i'm bargaining with Him, or threatening Him somehow, let me keep her or else.. and who am i to threaten Him? i know He's not intimidated by me, but im afraid He thinks I dont trust Him and so I dont deserve her. what a terrible thing to think! I trust Him... but I think trusting Him only means knowing that He'll always be there.. not necessarily that we'll get what we want. last week i emailed someone when i was having a really hard time with this, someone who i consider to be one of the most faithful Christians I know, well-read on the bible, very kind and wise and she told me when I'm afraid, to read Psalms... and it helps.. it really does. those writers are just crying and pleading and begging too and together we find comfort, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years apart... it's the same God. I read Psalm 30 every day now -- God has restored my health and rescued me from death.. got me through 2010 and into a healthy pregnancy... weeping lasts for the night, but morning will come, and my mourning turns into joy.



i've told the horror story so many times... Kathlyn had a healthy NST on July 28, 2009, and then died out of the blue on July 30. this makes it nearly impossible for healthy reports from the doctor to reassure me for longer than a few hours afterwards. i remember just after it happened, Dr. F (or one of them... but i think it was him) saying it's extremely unusual to lose a baby within a week of a healthy NST. something drastic must have happened... something that killed her instantly. or, she just died for no reason. just like that. alive one second, dead the next. there is no way to predict or prevent drastic or reasonless deaths. i knew that very day, july 30, 2009, that i wanted something to be wrong with my sweet girl. somethig wrong with her heart or an infection or a big, huge, ugly, nasty, obvious knot in that cord. when i saw blood coming from her nose, i asked if something was wrong with her brain. (a ridiculous question, but i was in shock to say the least). if there was something wrong, we could rule it out this time. nothing wrong with Glory's heart, or cord, or brain, or any of her organs. but nothing wrong with kathlyn's either?! where is my reassurance?! there is none. i'm riding solely on faith... and as i went in circles with God early this morning and as i do most days... forgive me my loving God, but it's not enough and fear is winning. they tell you as a pregnant woman if you "feel like something is wrong" to tell someone.. use your instinct. but I told Dr. F today that my instinct is so clouded by what happened in the past, something i cant get over. what if my instinct is telling me something is wrong and im ignoring it?! i cried my eyes out about this during my appointment, but they just cant justify an amnio to check lungs and an elective 35 week delivery on a healthy baby.. her NST was picture perfect and could not have been more reactive. she's doing just what she's supposed to do. the definite reassuring part is that it looks like my stress is not affecting her... her heart is healthy even when mine is breaking and my mind is overcome with fear. and when i asked God to calm me, i know He did.. because when I was in bed, i know my BP was through the roof, i was short of breath with a horrible dizzy headache.. but at the appointment my BP was 118/72 and absolutely no cause for concern. i think a high BP and nonreactive NST, although might buy me an earlier delivery, would also frighten me to the core... so i am very, very careful not to wish for that. she's healthy and i want it to stay that way.. i want to have her while it's that way! i want to have her before she dies. and when i'm in a rational state of mind, i dont want to to have a preterm baby either because that puts her at risk for a whole new set of extra problems. just please, please God, keep me healthy and calm and keep that baby healthy and alive inside me. i also have to remember, i keep saying, "i want to have her early while i know she's alive!", early meaning NOW... but i AM having her early... 37 and a half weeks... which is 2 weeks away. i made it to february. and they're letting me come twice this week for extra reassurance and another ultrasound! (they said my fluid was borderline high last time... something they kept from me, im sure because there was no reason for me to worry extra over that, but still, yikes, every little thing is scary). so i get to look forward to seeing that beautiful face and seeing and hearing that beautiful healthy heart.



thank you hearing and seeing a piece of my beautiful broken healing heart too.

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