just anxiety

It's been a long time. Such a long time. I feel like I need to update the look of this thing.. the music player doesn't work anymore, some of the links and photos are broken. I feel like I need to write tonight but I don't even know which blog I should write on. There was a point where I had so much to say, that I had 3 blogs. I am saddened that I haven't written to Kathlyn since her 2nd birthday. It doesn't matter though, and I know that, because I talk to her every day, multiple times. My heart is still just as broken as it was 3.5 years ago; I feel her absence in everything I do, everywhere I go, with every breath I take, but I just don't use writing as an outlet like I used to.

 Today is Monday. On Friday, a crazy, heartless psychopath broke into an elementary school and killed 26 people, 20 who were children. Although really, the other 6 people, they were someone's children too. Some of those adults were really young. I know the teachers who died were in their 20s, though the administrators may have been in their 40s or 50s. But I wonder if THEIR parents, in the angry stage of their grief, will resent the "this is such a horrible thing, ESPECIALLY because it was children!" Those adults I'm sure had just as many loved ones as the children. Of course it is extra sickening for innocence to be attacked, I'm just saying, the families of those 6 adults will have just as much heartbreak.

I just read this comment on the bottom of an article on yahoo - "The breaking news portion of this event is over, now begins the media's seemingly ghoulish delight in rehashing a horrific event from every possible angle. Leave the people to mourn their dead in peace." It's so true. and after you see what I've been through this weekend, you may possibly scold me for reading an article at all.

On Saturday, I started feeling sick and weak, and I had this horrible episode which almost brought me to the emergency room. I was terribly short of breath, lightheaded, with a tight chest and racing heart. It was terrifying. when you have a 1 year old though, it's not that easy to coordinate a trip to the ER. do I drive myself, while John stays with her? does he drive me, and we bring her? that's the worst idea. ask someone to watch her? that would have been the best idea, but I wasn't sure I really needed to go or not. so I went to sleep. I slept for hours, basically the rest of the day and all through the night and all morning and afternoon into Sunday. I still felt weak, but no more chest tightness. all day I still felt so shaky and weak though, with short bouts of shortness of breath. I felt like I couldn't get out a sentence. bending down to pick up a toy exhausted me. we managed a trip to get some groceries, but I was feeling so bad while we were there, that we drove past 2 urgent care centers on the way home; they were both closed. so I slept another 3 hours after we got home, and decided (with the help of 2 good nurse friends who turned out to have the exact same opinion) just to call my regular doctor in the morning. at the doctor, my exam, numbers, and chest xray were all normal, except my blood pressure was 144/92. the other day i actually had it checked and it was 100/62. big difference! so it's anxiety. "just anxiety." fantastic. I used to feel this way all the time after Kathlyn died... quick heart rate, lightheaded, tight chest, short of breath.. definite panic attacks and i do NOT want to feel that way all the time anymore.. it was awful.... except now i also have this weakness which im not sure where that's coming from. the doctor said maybe with this "dose of reassurance" that there's nothing wrong with my heart and lungs, maybe i can feel better.

I know EVERYONE is shaken by the shooting but the reality is, children die every day everywhere. crime occurs every day everywhere. I have had that reality spit in my face that we cannot protect our children no matter how much we love them or how much we try. there have been lots of platitudes about how now there are 20 children who will never graduate, never get married, never have children of their own, but that is the same for all the rest of the children who died on Friday in this country and around the world and every day since then. i am NOT NOT NOT taking away the grief of those families or the severity and horror of this event. they have a lifetime of sadness and struggle ahead of them, i can tell you that from personal experience. but as that other commenter stated, maybe we should let these people mourn in peace and not bombard them with media. it has caused my PTSD to surface and show it's ugly face. ironically, the appointment to see my medical doctor caused me to cancel my weekly appointment with my therapist, which is probably what i really needed.  my heart beats fast for those families, children, and staff of that school. PTSD will rule their hearts and minds forever now too.

 Death Barged In
 by Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno

Death barged in In his Russian greatcoat slamming open the door with an unpardonable bang, and he has been here ever since. He changes everything, rearranges the furniture, his hand hovers by the phone; he will answer now, he says; he will be the answer. Tonight he sits down to dinner at the head of the table as we eat, mute; later, he climbs into bed between us. Even as I sit here, he stands behind me clamping two colossal hands on my shoulders and bends down and whispers to my neck, From now on, you write about me.