rain for cherry

went to a craft fair the other morning after work. a pretty pink snowflake/snowman handmade quilt caught my eye.. thought it might be nice with our outside winter pregnancy photos in December.. also a scarf with the same pink snowman print.. after chatting with the sweet lady who made them, found out she lost a baby girl at the... end of her pregnancy over 20 yrs ago and pink sunsets make her cry :,) sweet, sweet coincidences.

I look to the outside right now as a downpour begins. I love the rain. the rain expects nothing from me, and are gloomy like me. sunny days I feel expected to go outside and enjoy them and comment on how nice the day is. I dont care for that. I prefer the pretty, calming, yet sometimes sad and angry rain.

my little cherry's due date is approaching and for whatever reason I had October 24th in my head as her delivery date. she was due Nov 20th, my mom's birthday. well, the doctor's had her written as Nov 21, but I changed it to the 20th to match my mom. so that would have made Oct 24th, 36 weeks and that is when I wanted to have her.

so yesterday, I couldnt help but think of my sweet second baby when I thought of the date. Oct 24, 2010.

it's so strange though, and I've said it a million times, I love my little birdie so much too, and she wouldnt exist if I had a baby yesterday. it's just a swirl of emotions that dont calculate. how could I not long for all 3 of my children?

so let it rain today for my little cherry baby, the baby I never got to know, but for the 3-4 weeks I was aware of her living existance, and wanted so badly.. the one and only ever you - you are loved.

history of loss

I have always known that I have numerous cousins who have been lost to miscarriage in the 70s and 80s. There were also at least two who were born later term, April and Alethea, who I believe both lived for a short time after birth. I am sad now that I never included them whenever I listed all my cousins on my dad's side (there are approximately 20). They count too.



I also always knew that my great grandfather, William (who my dad is named after), was a triplet, and that one triplet died. I dug a little deeper today, and I see that William, Anna, and Samuel were born on August 24, 1881. It was UNHEARD of to have triplets back then... my great-great grandparents James and Keziah were embarrased and felt like a circus. So when Samuel died, they just said they had twins, because it was "less weird" to have twins than triplets. Poor Samuel, and poor Mommy Keziah who felt ashamed to speak of her baby, and probably didn't have a proper funeral to heal some of her heartbreak. I REMEMBER SAMUEL TODAY, my great-great uncle.



I never ever knew though, that my great-grandfather William had a stillborn named Charles. This would have been my grandfather James' brother, my father's uncle, my great uncle. My grandfather James "Opa" was born in 1917, so it had to be around that time. My mother didn't know about this baby - he is not in our family history book, though Samuel is. I REMEMBER CHARLES TODAY, my great uncle.



My mother and I were just talking about this recently, it's ironic. Her father is an only child, but I said that I wondered if there were other babies anywhere who were stillborn or miscarried or died as infants that were just never ever spoken of. Maybe my mom had an uncle or cousin or great uncle somewhere on her side. Times were different then, babies died all the time (although I'll argue that they still do), but no one spoke of them like we do now. I have come to believe that probably 100% of women in history have miscarried at some point.. a lot just don't know it. And now here, a stillborn baby that was never spoken of, my Great Uncle Charles.



I pray that my great grandmother Eleanor and great great grandmother Keziah had grand, long awaited reunions with their babies upon their deaths.



<3 Baby Samuel <3 Baby Charles <3

October 15

Kathlyn Joy Davis, July 30, 2009, and my 2nd little cherry on top, carried lovingly under my heart until April 14, 2010. Missing my babies today on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, October 15, and every day.


This is where I'll be tonight...





for my wonderful friends who have allowed me to be weak, made me strong, cried with me, and made me smile.




Love to all the babies gone before us.. it's just too unbearable to even describe how it feels and so terrible how often it happens.

We will see them again..

little pink birdie

i'm so in love.

it's a girl. a sister. a daughter. a healthy baby with every organ of the right shape and size working as it should. she has a name, but we aren't sharing it yet. asking will not make me share it any faster. i will share when i am
ready <3 if you're curious, the boy's name would have been shane william davis. i still love it and hope i guess to use it later :)


i am so in love with this baby. i was thinking on the way home from the scan how much i really do. it's amazing to feel that strong love for kathlyn a second time. i never doubted that i would love all my children the same; i've heard a lot of people wonder how they could love more children as much as the first. i have never felt this before. such a strong love for two individuals at once. i love them both so much.



it doesnt come without guilt and ambivalence though. i never got to love my little cherry with this intensity. i loved her, i loved the idea of her, and i wanted her as badly as i want the other two, but i never got to see her looking and moving like a real baby. i never knew her. it feels so sad and unfair. but i truly believe i will know her someday.. all beause of the Glory of God. it's also very scary to love my lady-bird this much.. i can probably never reach a place where i'm convinced this isn't just too good to be true. will i really get to take her home? i just blindly assumed i would take kathlyn home. i can't do that now. this time with my new daughter is so beyond precious.



Please God, please let me take this one home, and I will raise her to know You. Thank you for my children. I know they are Yours, but I love them so much.



I prayed that same prayer when I was pregnant with Kathlyn. If it's possible, I might be more devastated if I lose this baby. I shiver at the thought; it is hard to imagine there is a "worse" than what i've already been through.



i walked into a store today, and this little baby just kathlyn's age, unmistakably looked right at me and said "baby!" i heard her parents later say that she was 15 months. kathlyn would be 14 right now. i wonder if it was a coincidence.. but whatever it is that made her say that, i know kathlyn is ALWAYS right by me.



yesterday i had a less pleasant encounter in a store. i was looking at the most darling pink puppy outfit (pink puppies, cherries, birdies, love them :) and this woman walked into the store, speaking quite loudly on her cell phone as she walked. rude, if you ask me. no one really needs to hear your conversation in the confines of this tiny mall store. here's what i heard:



"yea, i'm in gymboree. i know, it's so tempting to be in here, they just have the CUTEST stuff for girls. i'm always in trouble since i have two. can you believe that? ME.. i cant believe i have TWO girls, i spend so much money, i guess that was God's punishment to me for not being good, to have two girls."



you have GOT to be kidding me.



THIS is my example of "clueless". people who have no freaking idea what they have, what they take for granted, and what idiotic and selfish things come out of their mouths. i would give my four limbs to have my two girls, my three girls, whatever, just to have ALL my children present with me so i can overspend on clothes. your PUNISHMENT?! really?! if 2 girls is punishment, what word describes when one of your girls dies and you only have one left?



i remember another sad mommy, who lost her first baby, writing about when she was pushing her child on a swing and there were 2 mothers talking about "how hard it is to have two children". she had to walk away. it's MUCH harder to have two children, but only get to raise one of them... than it is to chase around two at once.



i couldnt walk away though. i had to buy the pink puppy outfit. along with a purple lambie outfit. for my baby girl.

worry

I dont know if this is because of tomorrow specifically, but I've had a lot of worries this week. The only reason I say it's not totally about tomorrow is that I've always had these worries. they're just manifesting all at once right now.



round ligament pain, decreased kicking, not kicking at all, deli meat, fish, hot dogs, soft cheese, soft serve ice cream, listeriosis, artificial sugar, refined sugar, caffeine, not enough water, not enough folic acid, too much vitamin A, constipation from too much iron, anemia from not enough iron, toxins in plastic, styrofoam, sleeping on your back, not sleeping enough, gingivitis, bleeding gums, anti-depressants, infection exposure at work. all these worries. in additon, worry itself is a problem.



but on top of that, what about the laundry list of things that could actually be wrong tomorrow?



i know - worrying about things doesnt help or change whether they will happen or not. because what about all that could be right and perfect tomorrow...



the raw truth is, kathlyn had nothing of those things wrong. nothing. makes it very difficult to rest easy or to feel safe. a healthy report tomorrow will be such a blessing.. but it wont make the worry stop.



i'm trying.. i'm really really tryng.



last night i had to put down the grief and pregnancy books and picked up a parody. it's called "what to expect when you're expected" and it's written from the point of view of a fetus, to a fetus.



hah.



the first line of the book was a preface from the stork, and it starts "first of all, fuck you" and i burst out laughing in the store. i knew this dark humor would be just what i needed in times like these. the traditional pregnancy magazines and books have proven to be too much for me (remember the line "these body blunders (like weight gain, leg cramps, other annoying ailments of pregnancy) will go away, but thankfully, the baby is here to stay!") - just can't read that anymore.



there's a part where the fetus is saying that Mommy will need lots of new clothes, and that she can either lose weight and need yet *another* set of new clothes after you're born, or choose to remain 40 pounds heavier for the rest of her life and keep wearing maternity clothes. and how Daddy will especially love shopping with her Sundays in the fall.



my personal favorites though -

"Should Mommy give up coffee for me? -

This is a matter of some controversy.. some studies have shown no link between caffeine and pregnancy.. so the consesus is that you're in no danger of Mom's coffee drinking, as long as it's in moderation (under forty cups a day). Frankly, this is one indulgence you might want to cut Mommy some slack on. She's already given up booze, marijuana, and horse tranquilizers for you, so it's a lot to expect of her to give up all chemical enhancement whatsoever. Yes, the caffeine may keep you up all night, but what, like you've gotta work tomorrow?"


hahah, that's so wrong. but it makes me laugh.

(click images to enlarge)


obviuosly my anxiety isn't "baseless", as it isn't for any of us bereaved mothers, but somehow, the dark humor of laughing at myself and my urges to call the office every day, helps just a little.. since I know I'm totally guilty of all of that. i bring pens and notepads to each appointment and i've brought printed articles too. he also talks of "anxiety as a more creative approach to useless worry" and taking a months-long tour through the "american museum of things that could theoretically happen but are extremely unlikely."

right.

whatever gets me through though.. prayer, my supporters, sick humor, or total denial of the horror that pregnancy can turn into (aka "hope").. i'll get thru it somehow. oh, and of course, with the help of unsolicited advice from clueless passer-bys, too.




8 more hours..


excerpts and photo from What to Expect When You're Expected by David Javerbaum

I Will Carry You

I am going to see Angie Smith speak tonight, author of "I Will Carry You", the story of sweet Audrey Caroline. Her husband and his band, Selah, will also be there ♥

I Will Carry You by Selah

Scouting For Hope