During your pregnancy with your rainbow baby, were you afraid to do the things you did while pregnant the first time? (or whichever pregnancy it was that your baby died.) Did you feel that either it's a bad omen, or somehow that it would contribute to the baby's death again?
I know everyone will tell us that it wasn't our fault that the baby died. We'lll even reassure each other of that, and then in the next sentence be sure that we ourselves DID have something to do with our own baby's death. I'm the mother. Any mother would feel responsible for something bad happening to their child, especially under our own supervision, and even when not. It's the mother's job to protect the child. It's the female's body's job to carry and deliver offspring. And so far, I'm batting zero. If you don't understand how I could think it's partially or totally my fault (or my body's fault), then you obviously haven't been through it.
I'm very excited because my brother is coming to visit this weekend. He wanted to come this weekend instead of for Kathlyn's birthday so that he could have me all to himself :) We decided to go stay in a cabin in the mountains for the weekend for some beautiful views, cool breezes, and some light hiking. John and I took the same trip when I was 33 weeks pregnant with Kathlyn, and I never, ever thought I'd be able to go back there again. It would just be too sad. But I decided that instead of being too sad, it would be nice to go somewhere to experience a happy time we had with Kathlyn. Still sad, because everything is sad without her, but a bittersweet sad.
What was I thinking?!
The hikes were not very strenuous. I was so big, they couldn't be. But did I do too much?? Too much uphill?? If that was the case, wouldnt she have died right then and not 6 weeks later? I don't know! How can you know?!
We did some swimming. Not really "swimming", but we dipped in some knee and waist deep water to cool off. I even thought at the time "this can't be very clean" but I know my closed amniotic sac protects germs from entering the body and going near the baby.
But what if there WAS an infection from the water? What if it took 6 weeks to kill her, but by the time the autopsy was done, the infection had died down? Would I have been sick too?? I don't know! How can you know?!
And now I'm going to do this AGAIN!?
It's such a shame, because everything enjoyable I try to do causes me to question if it's going to cause me, or someone I love, to die. TO DIE. THIS IS MY WORRY. WHAT IF SOMEONE DIES?
Oh Dear God. I'm not using Your name in vain. I'm constantly talking to You. Please don't let anyone die, please not my new baby. I'm doing everything I can for this baby's safety. I want to enjoy my brother's visit and the beautiful scenery of Your Blue Ridge Mountains. That breeze... I love that cool fresh air breeze. I've been looking forward to that cool breeze. A cool breeze cannot make someone die. (can it?!)
It's exhausting.
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I think Little Birdie would like to be somewhere his/her sister went.
ReplyDeleteIf breezes, a light hike, and lake/river water up to your knees could kill...we'd all be dead.
Please try to enjoy. You and Little Birdie deserve it.
I worried about EVERYTHING. You might remember from all my frantic fb status updates. I think the sub pregnancy was the hardest thing I've ever done. Thinking of you and asking the universe to bring birdie safely into your arms. xo
ReplyDeleteI think it's a natural thing after loss to worry like that. As far as being afraid to do things...I guess to a point. I wasn't as vigilant on some of the normal pregnancy things your supposed to avoid like caffeine or lunch meat. But then there were other things I was more careful on like taking more folic acid.
ReplyDeleteOh this was SO me this week!!!! What happened with Matthew had absolutely NO environmental/health issue WHATSOEVER, and I have no reason to believe there's anything like that with Luke...but you better believe that every time I put my body in the pool (and it wasn't that often!), I thought, "Wonder what's in this water? Is there enough chlorine to kill anything? Is it too much chlorine?" I worried about too much salt water; I worried about how long food had been sitting and waiting to be served. I wondered about whether or not the water on the cruise would be strong enough to rinse out the detergent I brought and used to rinse things out?
ReplyDeleteExhausting indeed.
xoxo
WOW! YES!! while pregnant with my rainbow girl I thought everything I did in the last months of Dresden's pregnancy might kill her too! The swimming thing.. I totally thought that! I wouldn't even go in the same body of water because a month before he was born, I swam in there.. and as good as it would of felt on a hot July day, I just couldn't do it! I wouldn't drink apple cider, all sorts of things. My husband had those feelings too. I would think it's totally normal after what you've been through.. Pregnancy after loss is hard work - maybe we need all these extra thoughts to make it go faster?! I hope yours goes quickly and you have that beautiful rainbow baby in your arms soon!
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