Today wasn't supposed to mean anything. Tomorrow was supposed to be her birthday.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm supposed to be getting last minute stuff together for the memorial tonight. I wish I could sleep longer. As of now, she was gone. I suppose I don't know that for sure, but so they say, it often happens during maternal sleep. (Um, how am I EVER supposed to sleep during my third trimester?!) I found out at 11am. I spent 7 long hours in a hospital staring at the wall and crying, and she was born by c-section at 6:28. My guests are set to arrive at 6:30. I should have started earlier so we could do the balloon release at 6:28. It's ok.. it means we'll be releasing them at the time we were holding her. Releasing these balloons *does not* symbolize letting her go. I will never, ever let go. It was hard enough to let go of her physically this night a year ago. I will be talking about her more often than every day for the rest of my life. She's still my baby. My little angel baby forever. Those were the words I whispered to her right after she was born. "I'm so sorry my baby. My little angel baby forever." I will never forget her closed eyes and perfect nose peeking out from behind the blanket with her sweet pink and white hat as the nurse cradled her to show me. I was still lying flat on the operating table, so I couldn't get a good look. But God, she was beautiful.
The text message that so many of you still don't believe:
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. We lost our angel Kathlyn Joy before she had the chance to bless this earth. We don't know why. No calls please."
I was told from those who received that text that there were still people who didn't know yet congratulating me on facebook on "my big day tomorrow" after she was already gone. Most people deleted them after they found out, so I never saw them. And every day since then, I get at least 50 if not 100 messages a day. Today, between 1am and 8am, I have already received 49.
Thank you for carrying me in your hearts, so I may have the strength to carry her in mine.
I love you my princess. Send me something pink today so I know you're safe. And get all your little baby angels to help you catch the balloons.
Friday, July 30, 2010
1 year without her
Happy Birthday to the most beautiful baby girl in the history of the world. Kathlyn Joy, Mommy is so sorry. You are still my baby and I love you forever.
I am heartbroken to go to bed because then it will be exactly a year from when, and where, she died. In my belly, in my arms, in my heart, inside ALL OF ME, and she slipped away suddenly without my knowledge and against my permission.
Kathlyn Joy Davis
July 30, 2009
6:28 pm
7 lb. 1 oz.
20 inches
I am heartbroken to go to bed because then it will be exactly a year from when, and where, she died. In my belly, in my arms, in my heart, inside ALL OF ME, and she slipped away suddenly without my knowledge and against my permission.
Kathlyn Joy Davis
July 30, 2009
6:28 pm
7 lb. 1 oz.
20 inches
Friday, July 23, 2010
after
the last few weekends, i have been sleeping all through the day to recover from long nights at work. by the time i get up, it's way too late to do anything or see anyone. tonight i got up early (after only 4-5 hours sleep, less than half of what i need) to go have dinner with friends. i enjoyed myself, though I miss john (who's working) and of course kathlyn. as everyone was winding down, finishing their meal, ready to go, i get more and more uneasy. i anticipate being back home, alone, with all night ahead of me and nothing to do. i want my baby.
july has been ok for me. i've been planning her memorial gathering and my mom's coming, my house will be sparkling clean once she gets her hands on it, and everything i'm doing is kathlyn centered. i do best that way.
im dreading august. most sad mommies say the days leading up to the birthday are the worst, then the actual day isnt so bad. for me, i will be nuclear winter. august means the year is over. no more firsts. it will be the "second everything without her." grief doesnt expire after a year. it just restarts. with a bang. the nuclear kind. stop. stop. right now. august can't come. it's still kathlyn's year.
just like this lonely depression is possibly worse after a nice dinner. i have nothing to do right now. i'll have nothing to do in august.
i'm still seeing my therapist twice a week, with no plans to lengthen the time between appointments anytime soon. it so tiring, expensive, and time consuming, but when there's a week without a second appointment, i panic. all i have to do is wait a few days between visits and i can go back. i can make it.
although sometimes i feel like i start out in an ok mood, and then end up drudging up all the anger and hurt when i wouldnt have otherwise needed to talk about it in that moment. she tells me that i should try to keep writing since it helped me so much in the past, but i dont write as often because i have nothing new to say and i repeat myself. but she says that is how people get through traumas... talk about it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, and then maybe it will hurt a little less. if the anger and hurt are coming out, that means they needed to. at some point, they needed to. there's still so much of it. probably way more than 2 hours a week's worth.
on the way to my appointment this morning after work, i drove past some abortion protesters. there were signs with pretty babies that said "i was saved, my mother decided not to abort, honk for life" etc etc. and then there were the signs with pictures of aborted babies. ugh. i didnt have time to stop, but i thought maybe after the appointment i would. i talked about it some, and decided i wouldnt stop because i didnt want to get all worked up and then not be able to sleep. i didnt have to drive past them again to get home, so i knew it would be fine.
so much for that. they had spread. i did have to pass them again, so i couldnt stop myself. i pulled into a parking lot for KFC and walked my awake-for-20-hours--pregnant-sensitive--just-had-therapy--still-in-scrubs-from-last-night self up to a man with a megaphone and one with one of the disturbing signs and showed them a picture of my daughter. i said "this is my daughter" and he said "oh! how cute! how old is she?!" and i said "she's dead in this picture" and his expression of course completely dropped. i said "can you tell?" and he said "oh, yea, i can now." what the flip is that?! anyway, he's wrong. in that picture i showed, you can't tell. i told him my story and how im sensitive and discrete about showing her pictures, how i only show the ones where you can't tell anything is wrong (very, very few people have seen EVERY unretouched picture), and that his photograph is completely and utterly disturbing. they claim that it stops people from aborting, so if that's really true, then fine, you've convinced me about halfway, but i dont know if i believe it. why not show a photo of an adoptive family instead? education, instead of shock value. i asked how many people stop and complain, and he said "you're the first one... today." hah. it was 1030am. he also said no pro-life person had ever stopped to complain. i rule. i give them credit though. he asked to say a prayer for me and he prayed for my little birdie :)
one thing that struck me was when i said we don't know what happened to our daughter, he said "i dont know either, but i know God is good." good for him not making a claim about a plan or a reason for everything. God is good. one of my new good friends had her rainbow-after-the-storm baby today after a rocky pregnancy. her son is doing great! :) she's getting lots of uplifting comments, such as "God is so good!"
That He is. but if He's good, He has to be good all the time. He was good for 138 other mothers today along with my friend. but that 140th mother who had a stillborn this morning.... what about her? wasn't He good for her too? isn't He there with her like He's been there for me?
I don't support abortion for any reason. I'm not ok, even after a year since my daughter's death, and I never will be. I'll never be ok with losing my little cherry. Right now, little birdie is ok. God is so good, no matter what we go through. Now, if I could only convince myself of that all the time. If I could only remember that when I'm dreading the end of dinner. Or when I'm in bed alone. Or when I'm mad at someone for innocently saying something dumb. Or all through August and year number 2 without her.
july has been ok for me. i've been planning her memorial gathering and my mom's coming, my house will be sparkling clean once she gets her hands on it, and everything i'm doing is kathlyn centered. i do best that way.
im dreading august. most sad mommies say the days leading up to the birthday are the worst, then the actual day isnt so bad. for me, i will be nuclear winter. august means the year is over. no more firsts. it will be the "second everything without her." grief doesnt expire after a year. it just restarts. with a bang. the nuclear kind. stop. stop. right now. august can't come. it's still kathlyn's year.
just like this lonely depression is possibly worse after a nice dinner. i have nothing to do right now. i'll have nothing to do in august.
i'm still seeing my therapist twice a week, with no plans to lengthen the time between appointments anytime soon. it so tiring, expensive, and time consuming, but when there's a week without a second appointment, i panic. all i have to do is wait a few days between visits and i can go back. i can make it.
although sometimes i feel like i start out in an ok mood, and then end up drudging up all the anger and hurt when i wouldnt have otherwise needed to talk about it in that moment. she tells me that i should try to keep writing since it helped me so much in the past, but i dont write as often because i have nothing new to say and i repeat myself. but she says that is how people get through traumas... talk about it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, and then maybe it will hurt a little less. if the anger and hurt are coming out, that means they needed to. at some point, they needed to. there's still so much of it. probably way more than 2 hours a week's worth.
on the way to my appointment this morning after work, i drove past some abortion protesters. there were signs with pretty babies that said "i was saved, my mother decided not to abort, honk for life" etc etc. and then there were the signs with pictures of aborted babies. ugh. i didnt have time to stop, but i thought maybe after the appointment i would. i talked about it some, and decided i wouldnt stop because i didnt want to get all worked up and then not be able to sleep. i didnt have to drive past them again to get home, so i knew it would be fine.
so much for that. they had spread. i did have to pass them again, so i couldnt stop myself. i pulled into a parking lot for KFC and walked my awake-for-20-hours--pregnant-sensitive--just-had-therapy--still-in-scrubs-from-last-night self up to a man with a megaphone and one with one of the disturbing signs and showed them a picture of my daughter. i said "this is my daughter" and he said "oh! how cute! how old is she?!" and i said "she's dead in this picture" and his expression of course completely dropped. i said "can you tell?" and he said "oh, yea, i can now." what the flip is that?! anyway, he's wrong. in that picture i showed, you can't tell. i told him my story and how im sensitive and discrete about showing her pictures, how i only show the ones where you can't tell anything is wrong (very, very few people have seen EVERY unretouched picture), and that his photograph is completely and utterly disturbing. they claim that it stops people from aborting, so if that's really true, then fine, you've convinced me about halfway, but i dont know if i believe it. why not show a photo of an adoptive family instead? education, instead of shock value. i asked how many people stop and complain, and he said "you're the first one... today." hah. it was 1030am. he also said no pro-life person had ever stopped to complain. i rule. i give them credit though. he asked to say a prayer for me and he prayed for my little birdie :)
one thing that struck me was when i said we don't know what happened to our daughter, he said "i dont know either, but i know God is good." good for him not making a claim about a plan or a reason for everything. God is good. one of my new good friends had her rainbow-after-the-storm baby today after a rocky pregnancy. her son is doing great! :) she's getting lots of uplifting comments, such as "God is so good!"
That He is. but if He's good, He has to be good all the time. He was good for 138 other mothers today along with my friend. but that 140th mother who had a stillborn this morning.... what about her? wasn't He good for her too? isn't He there with her like He's been there for me?
I don't support abortion for any reason. I'm not ok, even after a year since my daughter's death, and I never will be. I'll never be ok with losing my little cherry. Right now, little birdie is ok. God is so good, no matter what we go through. Now, if I could only convince myself of that all the time. If I could only remember that when I'm dreading the end of dinner. Or when I'm in bed alone. Or when I'm mad at someone for innocently saying something dumb. Or all through August and year number 2 without her.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
tuesday's ultrasound / approaching birthday
I had a very healthy ultrasound on Tuesday... such a relief! I've been working every day since then, so I didn't get a chance to post until now. The heartbeat was instantly visable and it was 108.. poor LC's was only 84 at this point in her pregnancy :( I am now past the point that I lost her. It is such reassuring news, but makes me all the more devastated that she never had a chance. Such conflicting emotions.. I wouldnt have my little birdie if little cherry was still ok... I love them both so much though. I want them both. I prayed for them both. I need them both. I long for them both. I will love them both forever.
As Kathlyn's birthday approaches I am spending more time planning and planning and planning and buying things for her memorial. It's actually a positive experience for me. I miss her beyond any words could describe.. it's the paradox of grief and guilt (thanks Franchesca).. feeling and looking better only makes the bereaved feel we are denying our angels. But it's ALL for her. There are K's everywhere in this house, in my art, on my body (jewelry), hanging from my purse and keys. I have to change my outfit if there's no pink. Her picture is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last when I go to bed. I cry morning, day, and night, inside and outside of my heart.
July 16, one year from the unsuccessful version procedure, came and went. My doctors gave two valient tries to get her to turn head-down, but she was stubborn. She never brady'd or decelled even the slightest bit. She was untouched, healthy, strong. I had a four hour NST after the procedure, and scheduled her c-section for Friday, July 31, 2009, at 39 weeks. She was on her way! She had two healthy NSTs on July 21 and July 28 as well. What happened my dear? Mommy is so, so sorry. I wish you had brady'd on July 16, 2009, sent for an urgent section at 36 and a half weeks, and this week we would have celebrated your first birthday with a pink party dress and hairbow and sandals and pink cupcakes.
I'm so sorry my baby. I didn't know.
As Kathlyn's birthday approaches I am spending more time planning and planning and planning and buying things for her memorial. It's actually a positive experience for me. I miss her beyond any words could describe.. it's the paradox of grief and guilt (thanks Franchesca).. feeling and looking better only makes the bereaved feel we are denying our angels. But it's ALL for her. There are K's everywhere in this house, in my art, on my body (jewelry), hanging from my purse and keys. I have to change my outfit if there's no pink. Her picture is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last when I go to bed. I cry morning, day, and night, inside and outside of my heart.
July 16, one year from the unsuccessful version procedure, came and went. My doctors gave two valient tries to get her to turn head-down, but she was stubborn. She never brady'd or decelled even the slightest bit. She was untouched, healthy, strong. I had a four hour NST after the procedure, and scheduled her c-section for Friday, July 31, 2009, at 39 weeks. She was on her way! She had two healthy NSTs on July 21 and July 28 as well. What happened my dear? Mommy is so, so sorry. I wish you had brady'd on July 16, 2009, sent for an urgent section at 36 and a half weeks, and this week we would have celebrated your first birthday with a pink party dress and hairbow and sandals and pink cupcakes.
I'm so sorry my baby. I didn't know.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
crying
I have cried every day for the past 345, precisely. Some days it has been just a few tears before bed or before getting up, some days it's while watching or listening to something, or writing or reading or talking or driving, some days it's repressed with all my might at an inappropriate time, and some days it's sobs heard round the world with enough tears to dehydrate. Some days it lasts only a minute, some days, hours or simply every waking moment Sometimes it's in my sleep. Sometimes I wake up already crying. Sometimes I'm alone and tell no one, sometimes I call someone at that moment or after I'm calm again. Sometimes I'm not alone, whether at home or out, and people know I'm doing it, and sometimes even at a crowded table, no one notices.
Grief is not measured by how many times you cry, but for her, i have cried an ocean. Wouldn't you? HAVE you?
Today I felt like I had nothing to do (because I dont, imagine that). I just wanted a lazy or busy Saturday with my daughter. To combat this heartbreak, I slept and slept and slept, and by the time I gathered myself, it was after 8:30pm and everyone already had plans for the night and already eaten dinner. At least this is what I assume, because not a single person answered their phone, except my forever loyal husband. I told him I was lonely, and he said how it would just be one more night of work and we'd have 3 days together. We hung up the phone and I burst into tears. I want my baby. I want this pregnancy to be ok. I want my husband to be home. I feel so alone. I had trouble deciding if this was grief or hormones because lately my cries have been the softer, quieter kind, but this time I could not control the volume or the depth.. and what reason did I have to do that anyway? The dogs, also forever loyal, came to the bed check on me and I said "let's go see Daddy." I got dressed, put them in the car, and off we went. I saw him for only 10 or 15 minutes, if that, had a piece of pizza and a salad on a restaurant's outside patio, walked through the city streets being complimented about my beautiful dogs, realized again how I dont miss the bar life at all, and that I'd much rather be complimented for having the most beautiful baby girl anyone has ever seen. I have come to realize that everyone I know without a daughter truly believes that she is. why isnt she here?! WHY?! She died for no reason! her name was torn right from my heart, leaving a fresh wound that should have rendered it unbeatable like hers, yet it beats on somehow, with something more and something less to it. i bought some new sunglasses the other day, with a sweet pink butterfly on the side rim, and they've already cracked on the lens, and yet they are still perfectly functioning; the crack is not directly in my line of site, but I know it's there, and I know people notice it easily.
Now I'm back in bed where I lay only 5 or 6 hours ago. I saw my husband, gave the pups a little extra attention, picked up ice cream on the way home, and all that's left to do is sleep and cry.
Grief is not measured by how many times you cry, but for her, i have cried an ocean. Wouldn't you? HAVE you?
Today I felt like I had nothing to do (because I dont, imagine that). I just wanted a lazy or busy Saturday with my daughter. To combat this heartbreak, I slept and slept and slept, and by the time I gathered myself, it was after 8:30pm and everyone already had plans for the night and already eaten dinner. At least this is what I assume, because not a single person answered their phone, except my forever loyal husband. I told him I was lonely, and he said how it would just be one more night of work and we'd have 3 days together. We hung up the phone and I burst into tears. I want my baby. I want this pregnancy to be ok. I want my husband to be home. I feel so alone. I had trouble deciding if this was grief or hormones because lately my cries have been the softer, quieter kind, but this time I could not control the volume or the depth.. and what reason did I have to do that anyway? The dogs, also forever loyal, came to the bed check on me and I said "let's go see Daddy." I got dressed, put them in the car, and off we went. I saw him for only 10 or 15 minutes, if that, had a piece of pizza and a salad on a restaurant's outside patio, walked through the city streets being complimented about my beautiful dogs, realized again how I dont miss the bar life at all, and that I'd much rather be complimented for having the most beautiful baby girl anyone has ever seen. I have come to realize that everyone I know without a daughter truly believes that she is. why isnt she here?! WHY?! She died for no reason! her name was torn right from my heart, leaving a fresh wound that should have rendered it unbeatable like hers, yet it beats on somehow, with something more and something less to it. i bought some new sunglasses the other day, with a sweet pink butterfly on the side rim, and they've already cracked on the lens, and yet they are still perfectly functioning; the crack is not directly in my line of site, but I know it's there, and I know people notice it easily.
Now I'm back in bed where I lay only 5 or 6 hours ago. I saw my husband, gave the pups a little extra attention, picked up ice cream on the way home, and all that's left to do is sleep and cry.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
kindness
I met such a nice man today at BJs. I asked him if he would pick up my 50lb bag of dogfood and put it in my cart, and he was so nice that he came out to my car to load it up for me too! this was not an employee doing his job, just a random nice guy in the store. he told me he was a nurse, so that explained some.. we're natural helpers :) but it reminded me how much I love being pregnant.. everyone is so nice to you!
Friday, July 2, 2010
the last of the "one year ago today" markers
July 2, 2009, I was hospitalized for shortness of breath and decreased kicks. I was sent home because I could breathe better after a good meal and hydration. My 3 hour NST was perfectly normal. I was just fine. Kathlyn was just fine.
I wish she wasn’t. I wish they had seen 1 second of distress and taken me for an emergency c-section for my 35 and a half weeker. I wish today was Kathlyn’s birthday. I wish she was my little 4th of july weekend baby. She would be fine. She would be 1. She would be healthy. I would be taking her for granted. I would be counting the days until it was “the day she left the NICU” instead of “the day she died and was born.” We would be happy.
My precious little girl, what happened?
I wish she wasn’t. I wish they had seen 1 second of distress and taken me for an emergency c-section for my 35 and a half weeker. I wish today was Kathlyn’s birthday. I wish she was my little 4th of july weekend baby. She would be fine. She would be 1. She would be healthy. I would be taking her for granted. I would be counting the days until it was “the day she left the NICU” instead of “the day she died and was born.” We would be happy.
My precious little girl, what happened?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
